In-laws and "our house"

juliel85 · September 2013

Thank you all for your advice. I decided to delete my original post to protect my family. Things are getting better and we have taken much of your advice - it's not perfect, but it's workable. Thanks again!

Maybride2 · September 2013

Either offer to buy the house from them or start looking for a house that you afford to buy on your own. I wouldn't want to live in their house with all of the attached strings either.

Spin313 · September 2013

On paper, is it their house, or joint ownership... Do they have keys?

You should all sit down and tell them that you love them, appreciate all they have done, but you are feeling like there is a lack of privacy and you want to talk about expectations. It's going to be uncomfortable no matter what you say, but you need to do it...sooner rather than later.

R.Wilsonny · September 2013

Spin313 said:
On paper, is it their house, or joint ownership... Do they have keys?

You should all sit down and tell them that you love them, appreciate all they have done, but you are feeling like there is a lack of privacy and you want to talk about expectations. It's going to be uncomfortable no matter what you say, but you need to do it...sooner rather than later.

This.

How much had you guys saved prior to this move and did you use any of that towards the down payment on this place? Or did your IL's put all of the money down? Is there any way you guys could rent this place out and go back to your original plan of buying somewhere else? Would the money you had saved be enough for a down payment?

The way I see it, you could either do this, or you need to just speak up and tell them you need your privacy. You should tell them that regardless though otherwise they are going to keep overstepping boundaries.

R.Wilsonny · September 2013

And ps - I have another couple that I'm friends with who went through similar situation - it was a nightmare and in the end they just moved to another place.

juliel85 · September 2013

It is THEIR house. They wouldn't take any of our money for the down payment because they view this as an investment property they will sell whenever we are ready to move. We cannot afford this house on our own, that's why they bought it in the first place. However, the issue really isn't money - even if we did have enough to cover the down payment or offer to buy it outright, that would not solve the issue. It might make it slightly easier for us to ask for our privacy, but I know they would be offended that we feel we need to buy a house in order for that to happen.

I know the solution is to talk to them. I just don't know how to handle it tactfully.

Disneygeek77 · September 2013

Well there might not be an easy and tactful way to handle it. Just say that this isn't what you had in mind when you entered into this agreement. If they ask why, then tell them to truth, you don't have any privacy. They will most likely be upset, but that is ok. The world won't end if they are upset. Actually, I feel that upsetting your parents is just part of growing up. My parents were upset when I told them we weren't going to spend Christmas morning with them, and my husband had to upset his parents when he told them they can't dictate our every move when we visit them.

Maybe have set up times that they come to maintain the home and also have set up times to visit like Friday nights or for Sunday dinner.

MLE2010 · September 2013

Our you paying rent? My advice will follow but I have to know this.

juliel85 · September 2013

MLE2010 - yes, we are paying rent.

Sillygirl45 · September 2013

This could die down as they get used to you guys being closer to them. I would start making plans with your parents and by yourselves. Stick to your plans. It they show up and you were on your way out, go. Just because they are there doesn't mean you have to entertain them.

Your H needs to talk to them. I don't think you should get involved. I think it's best when H deals with his family and I deal with mine. He needs to sit down with them and just tell them you guys appreciate their help so much and you love being so close to both your families, but your really used to having privacy. It would be great if they could call before they come over and ask to make plans, not just assume you're available.

If this is a phase because they are excited to have you close, you'll be fine. If not, I have a feeling you'll end up moving. Good luck!

CowgirlK39 · September 2013

I'm not sure if this is true in all states, but if know here in NY a LL cannot just stop on over, even if it is their house. They need to make the renter aware of why they are coming over and when they are going to do so. Perhaps that is a way you can go about this. First, have your DH handle it, by speaking to his parents as of they were any other LLs. He should explain that for all things involving the property, they need to behave as LLs and request a time to come over. For all other family related things, then they can act as parents. If they do not agree to this, simply inform them that this is not the living situ for you two and you will have to move. Good luck!

JemmaWRX · September 2013

Well, it's their "investment property" and you are paying rent. This doesn't exactly qualify as a gift in my mind. Generous and mutually beneficial, sure. But it's not like this was a totally selfless act on their part. They are your landlords, you're the tenants. Not that this answers your question per se, but it should mitigate any feelings of guilt you guys have.

When they say they need to come over have you guys ever said "Sunday doesn't work"? It seems like a good place to start, right? If they still insist, can't you guys leave? Also, are these legitimate visits? Is the maintenance actually warranted or is it just a bullshit excuse on their end?

Your husband just needs to be honest. And he should talk to them alone. "Mom, Dad, we can't thank you enough but we're having a hard time getting alone time. Sunday is really the only day we have to reconnect so we would like to have that time alone. Can we do maintenance visits and dinner one Sunday a month going forward?"

Trixeetrix · September 2013

This is a tough situation to be in. It's hard to give advice when I am not sure exactly how your relationship is with them. If you are all pretty close for the most part I would think that having "the talk" is the best option. I am sure they may be a little hurt but if you put it gently that being a newly married couple you need "private" time I am pretty sure they will understand after the initial shock. I feel that your H should have this conversation (although you can be present) because if it comes out of your mouth it could backfire and be viewed as "she doesn't like us" type thing.

SusanH. · October 2013

You are a tenant. They need to respect that. Would they honestly be over if you were a stranger renting their home?

Your DH needs to sit down with his parents and tell them that the two of you need some privacy and that if you don't get it, your marriage may not make it. I am assuming they like you and do not want your marriage to fail.

If that doesn't solve it, MOVE. You can rent from anyone.

Leftie22 · October 2013

Ugh, this is tough, and why you don't mix family and money. It's easy to say they should act like landlords, but you know they're still family and that won't fly. My DH was in a similar situation when I met him, and it was awful. We both owned houses, but I owned mine free and clear, no help from my parents. He owned his, but his parents had paid his downpayment and helped with renovations, and they also were over there ALL the time. There was no way I was signing on for that as an independent 30 year old. DH moved in with me, refused to sell his house and instead rented to his brother, which was an equally terrible solution. We ended up selling it finally when we needed to financially after having a kid. We managed to lose tons of money, and piss off his entire family in the meantime. You need to find your own place. Even if you and your ILs agree that they're just "landlords", there will be hurt feelings and money resentment at some point. Sorry, that's just the way it is, and it sucks. Rent somewhere free and clear.

kss20 · October 2013

My FI's parents bought him a house to stay in while he was in med school so he wouldn't have to pay rent. Ironically, he is now paying THEM rent. >:(

When I managed to find a job near my FI's med school, I moved into that house, too. They are always lecturing us on things we need to do to the house and how we can't have any more pets (we got a dog and they were pissed.) It's irritating because there are all sorts of strings attached to them doing this nice thing for us.

That is why if it had been up to me we would have NEVER taken this house. We're staying here for a few more months until we need to move to a different state for my FI to do rotations and I already told FI that we are not taking any more handouts from anyone. Because ultimately, they paid so they get to run the show sometimes, and as adults that really shouldn't be the case.

My suggestion- buy them out or move.

cakergirl · October 2013

Though I know the obvious answer is to cut the strings, sell the house, move out, etc in the meantime, you and your husband need to set boundaries and become "busy". For example, tell the. You are going to visit your parents this Sunday because you haven't seen them in ages. Tell them you have a lot of school work to do and that you will both be in the library and unreachable. Find ways to spend your time that doesn't involve them. Set boundaries. Perhaps the firsts Sunday of the month you spend with them, the last Sunday of the month you spend with your parents, and all the other time you do things for yourselves. And also, out an end to the "projects" for the house. Absolutely do not under any circumstances discuss or complain about any changes that need to be made, updates that need to be done etc wit them. If you do it will just encourage them. If they keep coming up with things to do around the house, be firm, tell them you don't want it done that way, don't like it, or just don't have time to bother. You and your husband need to sit down and set some boundaries, and HE needs to discuss it with them

SparkySharky · October 2013

It doesn't sound as if you've even tried to set boundaries with them. Try that first before doing anything drastic (like move or try to buy the house). You aren't likely to hurt their feelings. I'm sure they're excited to have you back and thinking to themselves, "Well, if they didn't want us over, they would surely say something." You don't seem to have any other complaints about them, so there's no reason to think they will react poorly. I think your unwillingness to express yourself (as opposed to the overwhelming notion of "setting boundaries") is your own shortcoming and one that will continue to cause you problems until you decide how you're comfortable expressing yourself.

Btw, your husband wants to talk to them and he should. Give him a couple of things that you'd like to make sure he conveys on your behalf - like, "we're so used to having just each other" or "we need more downtime" or "I'm sure you don't realize it, mom, but Julie cares a lot about what you think and it puts pressure on her to have to keep the place immaculate," etc., etc. But just a couple. Most men can't remember more than that

and you want to keep him focused on what's most important to you.

sheepystitious · October 2013

I think you should speak with them with your husband being the main communicator about setting boundaries. If that doesn't work, give it a set amount of time, but look for another place close by, something not so tied to them. They can always rent out their investment property.

In-laws and "our house"

Re: In-laws and "our house"

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

In-laws and "our house"

Re: In-laws and &quot;our house&quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: In-laws and "our house"