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thanksgiving
The back story: My brother in law moved out with a girl about 2 years ago when he didn't have two nickels to rub together. Less than 6 months into it she was cheating on him and made an excuse of why she needed to move make in with her parents ( the reason she moved out). My brother in law paid the deposits and lost them all, close to 2,000. They broke up and the family was so upset with her and made nasty comments when her name was mentioned.
Fast forward two years and my brother in law is secretly dating her again because he knows his family wont approve. On his RSVP he puts his name and hers. I threw a fit but in the end decided to let him bring her under the condition that he was suppose to speak with her and she was suppose to make an effort with me, my husband, and his family. She did not give us a gift at our wedding ( which I do not care about, I wasn't expecting anything) because I was rude to her on my day and did not give her a hug ( which I do not remember but I know I acknowledged her). About a month ago my brother in law calls my husband and tells him they are moving back out together. We find out on facebook that it is less than a block away from us! He never told us and has yet to walk over, knowing I am home a lot by myself because my husband is in school.
For the past two years I have hosted Thanksgiving. It's been a rather large group, including both our parents, our siblings, my grandfather, and a few aunts, uncles, and cousins, close to 30 people if not more. I don't ask that they bring anything besides maybe a desert or appetizer. My family recently moved and are not coming home for the holiday and the 30 people has gotten to be too much. My husband is in paramedic school and has not seen his family since our wedding or had time to relax. We decide this year it'll just my husband's parents and two brother and my sister ( since my family moved). How do we tell my brother in law his girl friend is not welcome? ( She came the first year and was very rude to my family, his family and to me. She never even said thank you) I have caved a lot when it comes to my husband's family and how they treat me. I really feel strongly about this and I do not want her in my home.
Any suggestions on how we can go about this with minimal damage? I apologize for this being long.
Re: thanksgiving
Sorry for your troubles.
You could tell him, "Please do not bring Mary; she was quite rude the last time and I do not wish that type of scene to be a recurring one."
OR you can say, "I will warn you in advance: if Mary does not act like a gracious and thankful and polite guest, I will tell her to leave."
The choice is yours.
You could go away for the holiday with your H and avoid this entire scene altogether --- or go to a home where you are invited for dinner.
Dont' worry about this until about 2 weeks before the holiday. This is way too far in advance to start worrying about it now.
I'm with this. Although to add to it, your house = your rules. You shouldn't have to be subjected to an unwanted guest. The only thing though, if your BIL is living with this woman, I'm wondering if it would be considered rude to not invite her? Sucky situation to be in, but you have time to figure it out.
I'm actually anticipating my MIL's annual pitch of trying to get my H & I to stay for thanksgiving soon....we always spend the holiday with my family, but in fairness, both my birthday and my mother's are on the same day - and fall either on or around thanksgiving, so we celebrate that along with the holiday. Last year, MIL obviously looked at the calendar in advance and said that since my birthday falls the Monday after, we can spend the holiday with them. I told her no
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
It's pretty rude to invite someone to an event and tell them they can't bring the significant other that they're living with.
Also, it's been two years. He likes her enough to give her another shot. Why are you so sure that you know better?
If you're trying to maintain a relationship with BIL, why go stirring up trouble before it even happens? Do you think telling him you're fully prepared to kick out his girlfriend is going to make the event go more smoothly? Do you treat all your guests and their dates this way?
You need to have your H sit him down and explain that her actions of the past will make spending a Holiday with the family not a good idea. What a complete cluster of stupid. Your BIL sounds like an idiot. At some point you and the rest of the family will have to deal with this girl. Some people just do this, they can't help but be in awful relationships and foster the person on family. So you can deal with it or cut BIL out. If you want a relationship with BIL you will have to accept her or whoever he is with.
Are you really that shocked that BIL hasn't stopped by? Come on.
This woman has been repeatedly rude to not just my husband's family but me personally. When I first came into the family I was not allowed at certain family functions because none of my in law's boys had had serious gf and they did not know how to handle it. I was really hurt by this. Being the most long lasting in the family every time a new gf comes in I am nothing but nice and offer a little more support because I know how it feels. When is enough enough?! Do i continuously let this woman personally be disrespectful to me? I think I have given her plenty of chances. All I ask is that you say hello when you see me out and say thank you when you come to an event I've hosted. Is that asking to much?
I am not asking to have it both ways. We have lived in our home for 3 years and the whole family came to see it before we even moved in. His brother did not formally tell us where he lives. We are a very protective family and no matter what beef i have with my BIL i would do anything to help him and want nothing but the best for him.
Yes I have frustrations with my in laws but we have sat down and discussed them. The sole issue I have with inviting this woman to my home is she has repeatedly been disrespectful to me. So tell me how would you handle this?
Llumine: Your post really frustrated me. When I finally figured out how to read it since you reposted my original post highlighted things and then broke it down into sections. So let me brake it down for you. I have been with my husband for 5 years, we dated for two, been engaged and lived together for three, and recently just got married. In this time frame I have taken a lot of crap from my in laws, all of them parents and siblings. I come from a family where as soon as you started dating someone they are considered family. My in laws have all voiced their opinions of me to my face and behind my back. I still do everything for my family ( in laws bc i consider them family now) no matter how horribly they continue to treat me. And i got news for you. I don't know where you think you just married your husband!? You marry his whole family hunni down to every last crazy aunt and psycho cousin.
I know everything about my BIL because he told me himself. I did not pull this information out of the air. I do not think it's rude to ensure that people who have been disrespectful in the past be told how to behave on the most important day in your life. And the invitation was addressed just to him not a plus one because unless you had been dating for a while we could not afford plus ones. We did not know he was dating her until we got the response in the mail. I am not asking for my BIL to come over every night but he could shoot a text every now and then to see if were home on an afternoon and come say hello. How can we stop by when he hasnt even told us where he lives?
I have not been invited to plenty of family events because we were not dating long enough or engaged or even married.
When I say she was suppose to make an effort with us. That meant come around more. We have lots of events big and small and even just stopping by for a sunday football game. She is suppose to say hello and good bye when she sees us. She has not even done that. I recently saw her at a store and if I did not acknowledge her she would have looked right through me. Do you find this acceptable? My husband is not fond of my sister's bf but they both sure as hell say hello to each other if they see each other out.
I am hosting Thanksgiving because I have done so the last two years and I enjoy doing it. I have sat down with my in laws numerous times when we have had disagreements. I am not the type of person to choose my battles to keep the peace. When something is done over and over again to you i dont think its too much to stand up for yourself. How many times do you let someone poop on you before you finally wipe it off and say enough is enough? All this woman has to do is say " I am sorry if I disrespected you. That was not my intent. I apologize if I hurt your brother and i tend to never do it again but I respect that you feel protective of him" or something to that extent and this will all be over and will move on. Is that asking too much?
And word of advice if you have to put "this may be harsh" you probably shouldn't write it. We're suppose to be offering support not picking each other a part.
I want to give you a word of warning. Your last sentence will not go over well. No, this is a public internet forum and no we are not supposed to be offering advice. The primary purpose of this site it to increase revenue for theNest's parent company. Some people here do offer support, others offer advice, some their own personal experiences and opinions, some just want to start trouble, but mostly we are all here for entertainment. I don't necessarily agree with Ilumine, but she is allowed to state her opinion like anyone else and no she doesn't have to " support " you if she doesn't want to. She gave you some constructive criticism and she didn't sugar coat. I have never found her to be unnecessarily harsh or mean, but she is direct and will give her honest opinion. She told you what she thought you needed to hear not what she thought you wanted to hear. Just like you told his girlfriend. You told her what you thought she needed to hear, right ?
Second, you can go and read again what I first wrote to you. But I'll say it again, you can either put up with her to see your BIL or you can cut them both off. Whatever their past they are now back together and he isn't going to just leave her at home to spend time with you.
So what if her appreciation and manners aren't what you want them to be? Out of all the things you could bitch about her getting a hi or a thank you seems like you are just nitpicking her to bitch about her.
You have two choices here, I've given them to you. Let's be honest here also, all over the world on Holidays we have people who we'd rather not have in our homes and in our family come waltzing in the door. This isn't a new thing. When we marry into a family we don't always have to put up with BS from people just because they are family. I've cut my MIL off for her BSC BS because it's not healthy for me, my marriage or my child. I didn't marry her I married my H. She and his family are his problem not mine. I tried, and tried and then she did something so totally beyond forgiveness that I've given up. You don't screw around when certain things push you. Family is family but that doesn't give them a free pass to be assholes.
You need to think long and hard about this, you seem kind of controlling. Your BIL will pick who he is with and he doesn't need your or anyone else's blessing. If you really can't stand her then you'll lose BIL.
But if I lived a block from my Brother and knew his wife hated my SO, I sure as hell wouldn't be "formally informing" them of my move or stopping by to chat.