Family Matters
MtnLvr109
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I want to confront my MIL about unexpected pop-ins
Ever since my niece and nephew were born (they are 2 and 4), my MIL has helped take care of them after daycare while my SIL and BIL finish work (family ran business - I'm the only one who doesn't work there). Unfortunately, my DH and I live next door to my MIL and FIL, which is located on the family business property. Since MIL started helping out with the kids, I've had an issue with my her popping in with the kids when I get home from work. Sometimes I'm able to chat with them for a bit, and sometimes I'm not. Of course, the kids want to stay and hang out with me when she brings them over (uninvited and unexpected) and when I say no, the kids get very upset and cry. I hate that she puts me on the spot and in this position. I'm so tired of being put in this position, so I'm thinking about confronting her and telling her to stop bringing the kids by unexpected because their feelings just wind up getting hurt whenever I tell them it's not a good night for them to stay. This really frustrates me because I feel like she's putting me in a very awkward and difficult position. We do a lot with the in-laws so it's not like I don't see the kids on a regular basis. I love these kids, but I'm also not a pop-in babysitter. Also, I'm a big planner and if the kids want to come over, I'd like it to be planned out rather than unexpected and on the spot. Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in confronting her? I think that this all stems from the fact that we live next door (I know, we HAVE to move!!!!!) but we've got at least another year before we're able to move so I need to figure out how to deal with this.
Re: I want to confront my MIL about unexpected pop-ins
Get away from that living arrangement as fast as you can. THis is the same thing as living in the same household with them: you get no privacy and THEY call the shots because it is their home, even if you live there.
YOu and your H need to sit down and tell the 2 of them, "We do not wish you to visit if you are not invited. We need our privacy and I will bet if we popped in on the 2 of you at any time, you'd rightfully be pretty pissed off."
And if she continues to come over unasked?
DOn't get the door! Let her ring away.
Move and do it asap. That's the only way you will get away from this mess.
stop looking at it as a confrontation. Look at it as a conversation.
In a NICE, calm voice, "Hey, MIL. I appreciate being able to see the kids so often. but as there are days that just aren't good for me for you to stop by and THEY get upset when I say "no", I think it would really be a good idea, for their sake, if you were to call me ahead of time. I just hate to upset them.....".
In essence, put it on the kids.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
This is one of those situations I'd handle directly with her, don't involve your husband. It directly affects you, and it can be handled tactfully. If your husband has this conversation she might see it as you complaining about her with would result in more hurt feelings than addressing it yourself.
So I brought the whole thing up to DH last night and instead of taking my side (or even trying to understand my side) he gets annoyed and says that it wouldn't have hurt for me to spend some time with them for a little while that night. I get so frustrated because he just doesn't get that we see them ALL the time and I don't need that extra time with his family, we see them enough as it is. I mean, this is HIS family, not mine! I don't want to see them every single day! This family is cray cray!
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
He feels like I avoid them and that I hate them because I don't want to spend as much time with them. I'll admit that maybe I've been avoiding them a little lately, but they've literally invited us to stuff almost every day for the last month. Who wants to see anyone that much? Hell, I don't even want to see my own family that much and we get along great! It's just very overwhelming. Just because they don't have a life outside of themselves doesn't mean that I/we don't.
I made right with the whole niece and nephew thing and invited them over for a sleepover tomorrow night because I don't want them to feel like I don't want them around or part of our life but he keeps bringing that up saying that I was in the wrong. I've admitted that maybe I was a little in the wrong, but I've fixed it (on the kids end at least).
I tried to talk to him about this all again at lunch today and he blew up, became very defensive and said he can't magically come up with the money to move so if I want to move tomorrow I should go sell my car (I wasn't even hassling him about the move) or I should go stay at my mom's if I hate his family so much and can't deal with living next to them. I kept trying to tell him I don't hate his family but that's what it kept coming back to. I feel like he's just not willing to hear me out. I told him this has been a reoccurring issue in our relationship and we need to calmly talk about it if we want to solve the problem and move forward. He doesn't think talking about it will solve anything. I just don't know what to do. How can this marriage work if we can't agree on/compromise these types of issues?
He feels like I avoid them and that I hate them because I don't want to spend as much time with them. I'll admit that maybe I've been avoiding them a little lately, but they've literally invited us to stuff almost every day for the last month. Who wants to see anyone that much? Hell, I don't even want to see my own family that much and we get along great! It's just very overwhelming. Just because they don't have a life outside of themselves doesn't mean that I/we don't.
I made right with the whole niece and nephew thing and invited them over for a sleepover tomorrow night because I don't want them to feel like I don't want them around or part of our life but he keeps bringing that up saying that I was in the wrong. I've admitted that maybe I was a little in the wrong, but I've fixed it (on the kids end at least).
I tried to talk to him about this all again at lunch today and he blew up, became very defensive and said he can't magically come up with the money to move so if I want to move tomorrow I should go sell my car (I wasn't even hassling him about the move) or I should go stay at my mom's if I hate his family so much and can't deal with living next to them. I kept trying to tell him I don't hate his family but that's what it kept coming back to. I feel like he's just not willing to hear me out. I told him this has been a reoccurring issue in our relationship and we need to calmly talk about it if we want to solve the problem and move forward. He doesn't think talking about it will solve anything. I just don't know what to do. How can this marriage work if we can't agree on/compromise these types of issues?
The whole "you hate my family" thing is a very childish way to shut down a grown-up conversation. Everyone has the right to set boundaries and have private time. You weren't in the wrong for not accepting a pop-in visit when you weren't in the mood for it. You have the right to relax and be alone when you want!! My DH and I went to counselling because we couldn't agree on boundaries with his family and it helped him to realize that some of their behaviors and expectations were unrealistic and unhealthy. When you're raised in a family that does everything together, it can be hard to step outside it and realize that not everyone wants to be incorporated into the family "blob", and they have their own interests and relationships to attend to. Maybe try counselling with your DH, it really helped my DH. (And got him off my back about "hating" his family.)