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Emotional Infidelity - worthy of divorce?
I made a new account just to write this...
I'm currently at whits end trying to decide what to do.
I found my husbands secret dating profile and his texts to another woman. I found most of it accidentally and had to SERIOUSLY snoop to find the rest because he always deletes his texts, browsing history, etc.He denied everything, deleted all the evidence, and only NOW is telling me the "truth" which I can no longer believe because he's lied to me so much already.
After telling him I want a divorce he has become very remorseful and begs my forgiveness. He knows what he did wrong and wants to go to counseling. And to be honest, I'd really like to believe him and forgive him.
I love my husband more than anything else in the world. And if I do leave I'd be looking for someone just like him to be with. I do not believe he had a sexual affair but he is clearly keeping secret from me and his first instinct is to cover it up and lie to my face. And my biggest fear is that he'll betray me again and I just won't find out next time (clearly he's a pro at keeping secrets).
I'm only 25 and we've only been married one year, though we dated for 4. I'm just not sure this marriage can be saved. I just wish we could go back in time before this happened. I wish he had just told me the truth to begin with. I want to be with him so bad. How do you stop loving someone after 5 years? How could he do this to me? I KNOW divorce is the best option but it's become more and more difficult to actually go through with it.
Extra info: The dating profile was on a site catering to transvestites and he claims someone else put it up there and not him. But I found some clicked transvestite "casual encounters" from Craislist on his "most visited history" - which he deleted when I showed him. My husband is a new crossdresser, so it worries me that he may have changing sexual preferences that he's not telling me about. If he truly favors transvestites then he will clearly cheat in the future since that's not something I, a woman, can fulfill for him. He claims that he'll never crossdress again if it means losing me but I'm not sure I can believe that.
Again - HE HAS NOT SEXUALLY CHEATED ON ME. But I'm worried that he will
Re: Emotional Infidelity - worthy of divorce?
Whether this was something physical or it was not:
The fact is he cheated.
And cheating is a dealbreaker.
Just show him the door. There's no way back on this one.
It's very likely that this thing he's had with the other woman was going on long before you were married and if that's so, this constitutes fraud on his part; you could get the marriage annulled based on fraud on his part.
And even if this affair started after you were married -- wow, you are only married a year: this guy does not want a lifelong legal committment to one woman. Another reason why you are better off calling it quits and having the marriage dissolved.
A sex therapist might have input for you on this one:
My husband is a new crossdresser, so it worries me that he may have changing sexual preferences that he's not telling me about. If he truly favors transvestites then he will clearly cheat in the future since that's not something I, a woman, can fulfill for him. He claims that he'll never crossdress again if it means losing me but I'm not sure I can believe that.
He's not a "new crossdresser" -- you mean he's only come out as one, very recently. He's been doing this for years, is my take.
You also have no proof that he has not been sexually active with other women -- regardless, he cheated.
He's not supposed to have "friendships" with anybody else --- and this is the whole crux of it.
Say goodbye to him and do it posthaste. Once a cheater always one. And any married guy with a profile on any dating website is looking to physically cheat.
Your other big problem:
he's a liar.
You can't trust him again based on the fact he's lied to you. There's no sense in continuing here -- he's also remorseful because he got CAUGHT! That's the only reason why he's so sorry and so tearful. He sure wasn't thinking about getting caught when he signed up for that website.
Most men who crossdress are straight. The thing here is this: it's his infidelity, not his crossdressing. The fact he cheated is the problem. Get rid of him.
I have not been in this place. But, objectively, two things worry me about his post: the lack of honesty and the bit at the end.
I've heard that honesty is necessary to get past infidelity on here many times. Again, I don't know from experience, but it makes sense-you can't treat something if one person denies its existence.
He may simply be strongly curious about what the experience with another transvestite would be like. TBH, if it isn't a passing quirk it may be easier on both of you in the long run if he finds out in some fashion. Either he realizes that this is not what he wants or not; better to find out than to have both of you suffer-him from an always-there attraction and you from the consequence of that.
Stay strong. I'm so sorry.
You've been with him since age 19 or 20. THis is why it's not such a good idea to commit to a person at that age; as you can see, anything can get into the mix, plus you and he have maturity and changes ahead of you.
Maybe he is transvestite-curious --- maybe this will be a one time only thing -- again, see a sex therapist about this part ------ but the thing is this: as I said, he's not supposed to be seeking these "friendships"; he is married. (If he was single, he could be free to get all of this out of his system...or stay in the game; the choice would be up to him) And there's also the fact he lied to you -- you can't trust him anymore
crossdressers are NOT gay. They are almost always faithful. The site may be a way to express his feminine side with no intention of ever acting on it.
Take the cross dressing completely out of the equation,at least until you understand it better". Deal with the emotional affair with the other woman for now.
I think there's a lot going on here and it would be foolish to just cut and run. More info and a lot of talking are needed, IMO.
It's possible, but not really likely, that your husband just started having the desire to crossdress. What's a lot more likely is that he's had fantasies about it for a long time and only recently started acting on it, or you just found out he's been acting on it. I am guessing that you are religious and that no one in your social circle is public about any alternative sexual lifestyles (poly, kink, crossdressing, etc). If either or BOTH are true, I expect there's a lot of shame and fear of judgement on his part. If you guys have a happily vanilla sex life with no mention/inclusion of anything terribly unconventional, I bet he was terrified of telling you.
If you can separate from the other woman stuff for a minute, think about how his 'coming out as a crossdresser' might have gone? Would you have been accepting and happily obliging of exploring this with him? Having sex with him in drag? Watching crossdressing porn together? If the answer is no way in a million years, then you have less reason to figure out how to make your marriage better. He can't turn off this fetish and trying to do so leads to resentment or lying. Both don't work long term. Now, on the other hand, if you think you can accept this part of him and love him INCLUDING the crossdressing fetish, not try to pretend it's not there, then we can go on to the other woman stuff.
Lying and hiding things from you is not OK (ever in my book). However, if he hid this out of fear that you'd mock him, judge him, leave him, etc, then I would suggest getting into counseling and working on fixing your communication for the future. I think if you love him, he loves you, you both genuinely want to be honest in the future, you both want to make things better, and you can learn the skills to get there, you can put this marriage on the right track.
You don't know whether he has sexually cheated on you. I hate to be negative, but you have a big wall of denial up if you truly think you can know that for sure. You can't fix things if you don't admit the truth, and a big truth here is that it is now impossible for any sane woman to have full faith in his fidelity. Maybe he hasn't, but maybe he has.
What to do with that doubt is up to you. But doubt is the only rational response in this situation.
People find new kinks all the time, so him coming out as a cross dresser isn't unique. But when you marry someone and commit to a sexually monogamous relationship, you commit to bringing up your new kinks with THEM. Not with randoms on Craigslist.
There are many men who have discovered new sexual preferences and been honest and open with their partners about it. Who have respected their partners boundaries, and explored the kink within those boundaries. You sound like a very cool, accepting girl. You deserve one of these men, not the liar you are with.
Thanks for all the advice
I admit this is a very difficult situation. To clarify, I'm aware that most crossdressers are straight and I fully supported his exploring this side of himself. But there were other things that play into my suspicion of trans-curiosity (they're a bit too secretive to divulge, though).
This is definitely more than I was prepared for. And I doubt the trust will ever come back. I'd really just hoped there'd be another way
Well, I hate to be the one to say it, but you need to go to your Dr and get checked for STDs. You know there is no way you can say with certainty that he hasn't physically cheated on you.
When it comes to your health and your life you simply don't hope for the best, you must go get checked out.
Make an appointment tomorrow. Don't let fear stop you.
LOL. That's silly. I'm divorced so I clearly believe in leaving under some circumstances. I don't believe in second chances when there's been domestic violence or sexual assault. Period.
I don't think infidelity is always cause for divorce. I think it depends on the circumstances, the people, and what they really want. In some cases, it seems pretty cut and dry (like the recent post from the gal whose husband was taking their kid along to the mistresses house while he hooked up! I doubt that one is salvageable or worth salvaging.)
Then there is the huge world of grey. For starters, I believe it's important for couples to identify their personal boundaries, and acknowledge that they may change with time. If you are 1000% set on your SO NEVER flirting with other people, then ideally you're only going to get into relationships with people who can commit to that. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for misery, and according to many on this board, a reason for divorce. To me, divorce over a crush or flirtatious friend is ridiculous overreaction.
When it comes to infidelity, I think it's worth looking at the WHOLE situation. How are things between the couple? Are they still emotionally connected? Sexually connected? Are there kids? What precipitated the infidelity? When it came out how did the partners react? Were there complicating circumstances (which is what I saw in this original post. I never said to ignore this, I said it might be more complicated than the first reactions I'd read.)?
I enjoy that I tend to have a different view than most of the other posters. Even if you disagree, I think it's valuable to hear/read other views that represent other ways of thinking. Do I think the OPs H screwed up? Of course. But I also think there are multiple ways to proceed, and it's valuable to consider them.
The cross-dressing is not even a concerning part.
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SMH!
I'm so sorry to hear that your going through this! You two are in my prayers.
The cross-dressing thing is way out of my league to even understand or comment….
BUT,
If you are conflicted about whether you should leave or stay, then I say you should take some time apart. If there is a place that either one of you can go for a bit, please take that chance. During this time you should consider seeing a counselor, whether it is marriage counseling or individual counseling.