Relationships
ashmonster
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
unhappy marriage
I recently got married in march 2013. We have been together almost 3 years now and everything had been going good, like any relationship we have our ups and downs. Then my dad passed away in june and thats when my marriage started to hurt me. I felt like my husband didnt let me grieve for my father and I started a new job and I work 12-14 hour days so I kept my mind off of my dad. Then anytime I was home stress gor the best of us and we fight. It doesn't help that whenever he is irritable or upset he takes all of his anger out on me. Ive told him I feel like maybe we got married to soon and ive suggested counseling he knows how I feel but nothing is changing. He tries a little bit but then it goes right back to the fighting and its getting harder each day to be so stressed and stay like this. The last thing I want is a divorce but I dont believe in staying in marriage that is unhealthy. I feel like between my dad I realized I want to be in a relationship where I get taken care of instead of the other way around.
Any advice would be appreciated I know this is hard to describe because there's so much going on in this relationship and so many factors but do I keep trying and see if something starts to change or is it time for me to say this is it and seperate?
Any advice would be appreciated I know this is hard to describe because there's so much going on in this relationship and so many factors but do I keep trying and see if something starts to change or is it time for me to say this is it and seperate?
Ashley & james
3/16/13
Re: unhappy marriage
Willing to bet you have a couple of issues communicating and a couple communicating with him, also
Even if the crisis *only* affects your or it *only*affects him -- because you are a couple it it an OUR crisis.
I urge you both to go to counseling: go jointly and separately. Grief counseling would be good for you --- try the web; your local mental health association will know of groups. Churches and other faith-based groups also sponsor them. Try the web to find out where they are in your area.
At the very least you personally need counseling for your grief and to help with your communication/ marriage.
You both going to marriage counseling to work on communication, and any other problems, would help you both immensely.
I realize everyone is different, but OP, your H needs to go to counseling with you. I'm not even quite sure how you can convince your H that he needs to do it, but the reality is that counseling is an absolute must if you want this to work. Especially if he's taking anger out on you because that's not healthy. And it takes both people to make marriage work - not just you.
As others have stated, individual counseling for you will be good too so you can be able to process your grief. I'm really sorry for your loss
I agree with PP. Maybe if you start working on yourself in counseling, your H will see the strides you're making and decide that maybe it would be a good idea for him/both of you.
Good luck! I am glad he agreed to marriage counseling.
As an aside, when Judge Judy's (love her!) father passed away, she and her husband divorced about 1-2 years later. She has said a big reason for the divorce is the grief she felt, but didn't deal with, and didn't feel her husband was supportive enough. They actually re-married 4-5 years later and are still married today.
Click me, click me!
Dear hindsight's_a_biotch, & ashmonster,
My verbally abusive, bipolar alcoholic (ex now) didn't allow me to grieve over the loss of a dear friend. I would have liked a good cry with hubby holding me in his arms, soothingly stroking my back. Nope-he said, "get over it, he's gone, nothing you can do about it". I had got the news 3 months after my friends death & had I just married this man-who cleverly hid all his problems from me by only dating me 2 days per week. After the marriage-the monster emerged. No amount of council worked. Anger management did for a time, but the last straw came when I was 20 minutes late getting home. I got called all the usual ugly names (Bit*h, C*nt, stupid). I packed that night in secret. Left next morning after he left for work. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect. If he doesn't change permanently, make an exit strategy & go. Good luck what ever route you take.