MIL advice...Wedding gift list

sbju2012 · September 2013

Is it normal for parents to get a copy of the list of wedding gifts? The wedding was July 20 and my MIL has been asking on a weekly basis for a copy of the gift list. I feel like it is not necessary for her to have a copy of the list and i find it to be rude that she feels entitled to it. Our parents helped with the cost of the wedding but i don't feel that gives her the right to the list. Am I over-reacting? Is this a normal request? She is just generally a nosy person, so i feel the only reason she wants a copy is to find out how much friend's and relatives gave us. I find it to be an invasion of privacy. Am i overreacting?

anssett · September 2013

I don't think you're being unreasonable. My H and I did everything 100% ourselves so there was no question ever of who was in control. I'd suggest just telling her you're 'doing thank you notes and you've got everything under control. Thanks anyway.' It's a bit manipulative, but it's not her business.

artbyallie · September 2013

Nope. Stick to your guns and don't give it to her. Nosy bitch. I'm sure she wants to plan to give equivalent gifts to her relatives/friends at future weddings and that's just ridiculous.

R.Wilsonny · September 2013

artbyallie said:
Nope. Stick to your guns and don't give it to her. Nosy bitch. I'm sure she wants to plan to give equivalent gifts to her relatives/friends at future weddings and that's just ridiculous.

This! My MIL did the exact same thing when we had our wedding - wanted to know how much money we got. I refused to give that to her as it was none of her business.

bethann3181 · September 2013

artbyallie said:

I'm sure she wants to plan to give equivalent gifts to her relatives/friends at future weddings and that's just ridiculous.

We gave a gift list to my parents and DH's parents after our wedding for this reason, and I really didn't see it to be a big deal at all. While my parents are generous, we received a few gifts that were CRAZY generous. My parents wanted to make sure they gave a similar generous gift back to that family (more than their norm), as they had a wedding shortly after ours. I understand that feeling. I don't think it's a big deal.

Kimbus22 · September 2013

No. Not normal. She's nosy and crazy.

MLE2010 · September 2013

No, she doesn't get a list of who have what and how much they spent. This is completely tacky.

Do not give her that list, if you do then just wait for your baby shower.

EastCoastBride · September 2013

bethann3181 said:

artbyallie said:

I'm sure she wants to plan to give equivalent gifts to her relatives/friends at future weddings and that's just ridiculous.

We gave a gift list to my parents and DH's parents after our wedding for this reason, and I really didn't see it to be a big deal at all. While my parents are generous, we received a few gifts that were CRAZY generous. My parents wanted to make sure they gave a similar generous gift back to that family (more than their norm), as they had a wedding shortly after ours. I understand that feeling. I don't think it's a big deal.

I could roll with it if it was more of a "Hey- we have to go to the Smith's DDs wedding. Would you mind telling me what they got you?". But to just blanketly want the entire list? It's also going to be comparing in the reverse - her MIL looking at what so and so spent after she knows she spent ___ on their child.

bethann3181 · September 2013

EastCoastBride said:

bethann3181 said:

artbyallie said:

I'm sure she wants to plan to give equivalent gifts to her relatives/friends at future weddings and that's just ridiculous.

We gave a gift list to my parents and DH's parents after our wedding for this reason, and I really didn't see it to be a big deal at all. While my parents are generous, we received a few gifts that were CRAZY generous. My parents wanted to make sure they gave a similar generous gift back to that family (more than their norm), as they had a wedding shortly after ours. I understand that feeling. I don't think it's a big deal.

I could roll with it if it was more of a "Hey- we have to go to the Smith's DDs wedding. Would you mind telling me what they got you?". But to just blanketly want the entire list? It's also going to be comparing in the reverse - her MIL looking at what so and so spent after she knows she spent ___ on their child.

I see what you're saying. For us, I didn't even think twice about it, but I can see how it could ruffle others the wrong way.

arhayden1 · September 2013

I don't see the big deal if its the gift list but I would be very hesitant about giving a list of cash from whom because I don't think that is anyone's business

Ilumine · September 2013

Hell no. Turn it around. Would YOU like it if your friends told their mothers (women you may never even have met before the wedding) what YOU got them for their wedding?

That is between you and the bride&groom.

The gift was not purchased to make up for the seat at the wedding - especially given that wedding seats are jacked up priced and in many cases the CHOICE of the bride&groom to begin with.

MommyLiberty5013 · September 2013

You say, "I sent all the thank you cards and I don't have the list anymore."

sbju2012 · September 2013

Thanks for all the input. Its good to know others feel the same way I do. Now I know for sure I will not be giving her a copy. I am still upset about my MIL's request at the rehearsal the night before the wedding so now I just think everything she wants from us is an unnecessary invasion of privacy. H and I wrote letters to eachother and sealed them in a box the night before our wedding. We are planning on reading them on our 10 year anniversary (corny, I know), but my MIL actually asked if she would get to read our letters then too. What normal person would actually think that is okay? (and no, she was not even joking) I had to explain to her that the letters were very personal and were only meant to be shared with eachother and with no one else. She was actually hurt when I told her that she couldn't read them! I feel like telling her no to the list now may help her see there are boundaries and certain things that she is not going to have access to.

macj123 · September 2013

Set boundaries early in your marriage. It's clear that this will be an issue with her.

EastCoastBride · September 2013

MommyLiberty5013 said:

You say, "I sent all the thank you cards and I don't have the list anymore."

This is the perfect response.

And yeah, wow, she doesn't get boundaries, does she? She's upset over not getting to read your personal letters to each other? Wow.

GreenMonkey1 · September 2013

Your MIL sounds a lot like my MIL. She really wanted the gift list after our wedding and we said "no"; she wasn't happy. Fast forward 4+ years and MIL brings up again how hurt she was about not getting the list, it's "tradition" (huh?), blah, blah, blah. MIL also wants access to our personal information and doesn't get why we don't share. When we bought a house she was aggressive about learning how much we paid for the house, how much we loaned, etc. When I was pregnant MIL was obsessed with how many times I would get sick and whether I had to submit urine samples to my OB - uhhh, what? After I told her more than once I wasn't sharing that information, she would pester DH, who told her the same line and she was "hurt".

I have the same recommendations of previous posters, pick a line with DH and stick to your boundaries. MIL continuously asks? Repeat your line again then have DH tell her the matter is closed. The hardest part is trying not to get upset or let her behavior color your life.

MommyLiberty5013 · September 2013

sbju2012 said:

Thanks for all the input. Its good to know others feel the same way I do. Now I know for sure I will not be giving her a copy. I am still upset about my MIL's request at the rehearsal the night before the wedding so now I just think everything she wants from us is an unnecessary invasion of privacy. H and I wrote letters to eachother and sealed them in a box the night before our wedding. We are planning on reading them on our 10 year anniversary (corny, I know), but my MIL actually asked if she would get to read our letters then too. What normal person would actually think that is okay? (and no, she was not even joking) I had to explain to her that the letters were very personal and were only meant to be shared with eachother and with no one else. She was actually hurt when I told her that she couldn't read them! I feel like telling her no to the list now may help her see there are boundaries and certain things that she is not going to have access to.

Bolded = LOL. For real. Does she want to stand in the room too while you have 10 year anniversary sex???

Leftie22 · September 2013

My MIL wanted a list too! I thought it was crazy and refused to participate, but my DH gave her a list of what everyone on their side gave. I think it's ridiculous and tacky. But they're very competitive about weddings and giving money, so I think they want to make sure they give as much or more. I wish my DH hadn't given in. And that's insane about the anniversary letters! Does she want to read your diary too? Terrible. I'm glad you're not going to give her the list.

hoffse · October 2013

My parents got the gift list by virtue of the fact that gifts arrived at their house... my parents live about 2 hours from me, and that's where the wedding was held. The live in a quiet neighborhood and you can't see packages on their porch, so we had gifts sent there instead of to us. Our apartment had also "lost" several packages before we registered, so we just decided it was safer. 95% of our gifts were boxed, and my mom and I kept a google spreadsheet to track what arrived and who it was from so I could keep up with thank you notes. We actually kept it on the same spreadsheet as our invitation/address list - my mom calligraphied our invitations, so she got to see the guest list too. NBD for us. I can see why this would bother some people, but it worked for us and she is not an intrusive person. It sounds like your MIL is really just trying to be nosy instead of helpful, so I would tell her you won't turnover the list in this instance. I will say, though, that for boxed gifts, I don't really understand why it has to be a big secret - our inlaws, for instance, visited after the wedding and saw 100 new things around our apartment that were obviously wedding gifts. Of course they were curious to hear which items were from their relatives, etc. and they liked to hear that the antique clock was from my MIL's brother and the china creamer was from FIL's sister. It wasn't meant to be competitive or nosy - just something to talk about. I guess I'm saying that I think it's contextual.

sbju2012 · October 2013

We told our MIL no to giving her the list a few weeks ago. She actually had the nerve to email me yesterday and tell me they were HER guests and she is entitled to a copy of the list. The last I checked, it was not her wedding, it was me and H's wedding. She was there when we opened the wedding gifts the day after the wedding so she did get to see all the gifts. I have no problem showing off all the gifts we received. We opened the cards later so she did not get to see the cards that had money. That is what she wants, the complete list of what everyone gave us, whether they gave us money, or a gift. She only wants the list to be nosy. This woman keeps photo albums with pictures of other people's houses! She doesn't understand boundaries at all! I needed to vent about this as I thought this issue was closed but I don't think she is ever going to let it go.

R.Wilsonny · October 2013

And did you tell your H that she emailed you about this? I think in this instance, it would be up to your H to tell her flat out NO, that way she gets the message loud and clear that you are a united front on this decision and that her emailing you is not going to change that decision.

I realize for some people that this might not be a big deal and for those who chose to share with their MIL what gifts were given, that's your personal decision, but I think for someone to ask how much money you got for your wedding is just plain rude and tacky.

My MIL did this to us too and I said no to it. My H did not agree with me and it turned into a huge argument with him where he just took the cards we got and gave her the list. What pissed me off even more is the fact that my MIL then told my BIL and his fiance - who got married 5 months after we did - how much we got from people. I was furious when I found that out because that shit was none of their business. I guess in her mind, she wanted to make sure my BIL and SIL got the same amount of money we did from people? Rude rude rude. And oh so tacky. God only knows who else she told how much we got. smh (it's been over 2 years since our wedding, and obviously we've gotten past this, but it's not something I will ever forget)

You are doing the right thing by not giving your MIL the list. Stick to your guns and have your H back you up on this.

sbju2012 · October 2013

H is completely on my side. He has told her no as many times as I have. I like the word you used to describe the situation. Tacky is exactly what it is. It shouldn't be about how much we got. The list was created so we could thank our guests for their generosity. It should not be used as a way to track who gave gifts and how much they spent. I can move past this when my MIL lets it go but when I am worried that with her, it will always be something. She has always been nosy and I don't think that will ever change.

R.Wilsonny · October 2013

sbju2012 said:

H is completely on my side. He has told her no as many times as I have. I like the word you used to describe the situation. Tacky is exactly what it is. It shouldn't be about how much we got. The list was created so we could thank our guests for their generosity. It should not be used as a way to track who gave gifts and how much they spent. I can move past this when my MIL lets it go but when I am worried that with her, it will always be something. She has always been nosy and I don't think that will ever change.

Yea, that probably won't ever change, but as long as your H backs you up each and every time, just shut her down.

I'm with you about the gifts too. For us, our wedding was about celebrating and making that ultimate commitment in front of our closest friends and family, not about how much money we were going to get. Obviously we appreciated what people gave to us, but that was not the primary reason for the wedding. Shoot, some of our guests didn't even give us a gift and you know, it wasn't a big deal because we were just happy they were there partying down with us.

cordsniper · October 2013

I would be horrified if my MIL asked for this.

EastCoastBride · October 2013

sbju2012 said:

H is completely on my side. He has told her no as many times as I have.

I'd stop responding to her at all when she asks. next time she asks, totally change the topic. "So- what are your plans this weekend?", "Can you believe the rain?", or... whatever fits. Just totally change the topic.

She'll probably repeat herself. Just ignore. And when she REALLY pushes "why aren't you answering me?" - you/ DH say "We already have. we're not discussing this again. So (change topic)".

MLE2010 · October 2013

I would respond and prove to her how much she really isn't getting her way here. Tell her, since you seem to think you have ownership over our wedding and the guest that we invited to our wedding we will now be putting you in a time out so you can really think about what you are asking and saying here. See you hopefully in January.

Then black hole all calls, texts and emails. She is acting like a child. Treat her like one. Or just tell your H that you won't be spending any other gift giving Holiday or life event with her ever. It seems she has an issue around gifts and you just want to help her learn it's none of her business. Lol

neverblushed · October 2013

Well, I'm guessing she wants it so she can check out what all her friends and relatives got you guys. She's attended weddings of these people's kids over the years, and she wants to make sure others are "giving back" to her offspring as much as their offspring have "gotten" from her.

Bizarre, but I bet that's her motivation.

Maybe tell her if she's curious about what people bought you, she should call them up and ask them.

R.Wilsonny · October 2013

neverblushed said:
Well, I'm guessing she wants it so she can check out what all her friends and relatives got you guys. She's attended weddings of these people's kids over the years, and she wants to make sure others are "giving back" to her offspring as much as their offspring have "gotten" from her.

Bizarre, but I bet that's her motivation.

Maybe tell her if she's curious about what people bought you, she should call them up and ask them.

This could be the reasoning...I know this was one reason my MIL asked for ours. Still doesn't make it any of her business and also doesn't give her the right to tell other people. Besides, it shouldn't be about this either. When you give a couple a gift, you give what you want to give and what you can afford to give. What if you gave someone $1000, but when it came time for your wedding, they only give you $500? Do you get mad about that? The whole tit for tat is just rude and tacky.

Leftie22 · October 2013

I agree that this is ridiculously tacky, and I hope you and your DH stick to your guns and don't give her the list. I know my MIL told my BIL how much we got from their side when BIL got married. I guess so he could compare how much he got from people?? It really bugged me. It felt like an invasion of my privacy and the privacy of all those guests. (Where I'm from, most gifts are money, which makes it seem even worse.) You probably will have issues with your MIL being nosy in the future. Just don't give in and you'll set good boundaries. We moved across the country and my MIL still feels it's her business to call before holidays to make sure my DH is going to church, we're eating the right foods, etc. It's completely ridiculous. You just have to keep shutting her down. Good luck!!

MIL advice...Wedding gift list

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