Family Matters
cordsniper
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL and holidays
Backstory:
We typically have Thanksgiving with DH's mom and Christmas with my family. We never have holidays with DH's father and stepmom, but we do tend to spend more time with them than the MIL. They are much easier/flexible to spend time with. For the past few years, the MIL has traveled down to us for Thanksgiving as we live 6 hours apart. This is very kind because it is difficult with our work schedules to travel around the holidays. However, last year was a fiasco. She drove down for Thanksgiving, she always wants to come on the Monday or Tuesday before the holiday even though neither DH or I have the time off. She then gets bored because we aren't around to entertain her and are exhausted after work. DH took the wednesday off before Thanksgiving so they could spend some time together, they went golfing at a very nice course. I cooked dinner, she watched the parade like always, and we settled in to digest and watch some football. MIL became bored, though she didn't vocalize this and stormed off to her room without saying anything. After two hours of her being locked in the guest room, DH went to check on her... She came out, yelled about the neighbor kids being loud (they were kind of loud but its not like I can yell at them at 4pm on a holiday?) and that she didn't like watching football and doing nothing. We offered to go somewhere, ANYWHERE, play a game, watch a movie, etc to no avail. She then slammed the door in my DH's face, stayed in her room the rest of the night and drove back home at 6am the following day without a word. She was supposed to leave Saturday and we had plans to go golfing with her (her favorite thing to do together) on Friday.
I made no attempts to talk to her for aprox. 6 months after that. She didn't call me and I did not call her. DH spoke to her though I did not inquire. At some point she sent some cryptic card that I think was meant as an apology saying that in the future she would try to better manage her expectations? Things were better and DH and I were married this August. (We've been together for over 9 years so I have known the MIL since we met.) MIL was happy at the wedding and things seemed to be a bit more normal. She's crazy but whatever, she is his mother.
So this year, I call and offer for us to come up for Thanksgiving so she does not have to travel. I offer to do whatever she likes. She is always complaining that DH doesnt make time to see her and we don't call very much. She said she would have to think about it. Mind you, DH is an only child. She is divorced, never remarried, lives alone and is a family therapist. She has family but doesn't ever want to get together with them for big events and only sees a few of them occasionally. I asked her about a week ago. I was pretty insulted by the "I'll have to think about it" so much so that I've started planning a vacation for the two of us which sounds significantly more enjoyable.
I received an email from her today titled "thanksgiving and christmas" which said:
"How about we combine both ? You can come here, help me decorate, and we'll celebrate. You can go thru my decor to see if you want anything and take it.
If you want, I'll fix a turkey dinner. If so, I'll invite *her sis and husband* and the *neighbors*-- probably *some family member I've never met* *DH's father and step mother**??? Any thoughts?"
I'm not sure how to respond... Also, I have no use for decorations and can't stand that stuff. She knows it and always randomly brings it up.
I feel that etiquette would dictate we have to go up there because she accepted my offer, although rudely and with delay. I know I shouldn't compare families but if I had told my family that we were coming for Thanksgiving, they would have been excited and I can't even imagine the same response from them.
Ugh. Side note, there are a lot of MIL threads on here. Glad I'm not the only one.
We typically have Thanksgiving with DH's mom and Christmas with my family. We never have holidays with DH's father and stepmom, but we do tend to spend more time with them than the MIL. They are much easier/flexible to spend time with. For the past few years, the MIL has traveled down to us for Thanksgiving as we live 6 hours apart. This is very kind because it is difficult with our work schedules to travel around the holidays. However, last year was a fiasco. She drove down for Thanksgiving, she always wants to come on the Monday or Tuesday before the holiday even though neither DH or I have the time off. She then gets bored because we aren't around to entertain her and are exhausted after work. DH took the wednesday off before Thanksgiving so they could spend some time together, they went golfing at a very nice course. I cooked dinner, she watched the parade like always, and we settled in to digest and watch some football. MIL became bored, though she didn't vocalize this and stormed off to her room without saying anything. After two hours of her being locked in the guest room, DH went to check on her... She came out, yelled about the neighbor kids being loud (they were kind of loud but its not like I can yell at them at 4pm on a holiday?) and that she didn't like watching football and doing nothing. We offered to go somewhere, ANYWHERE, play a game, watch a movie, etc to no avail. She then slammed the door in my DH's face, stayed in her room the rest of the night and drove back home at 6am the following day without a word. She was supposed to leave Saturday and we had plans to go golfing with her (her favorite thing to do together) on Friday.
I made no attempts to talk to her for aprox. 6 months after that. She didn't call me and I did not call her. DH spoke to her though I did not inquire. At some point she sent some cryptic card that I think was meant as an apology saying that in the future she would try to better manage her expectations? Things were better and DH and I were married this August. (We've been together for over 9 years so I have known the MIL since we met.) MIL was happy at the wedding and things seemed to be a bit more normal. She's crazy but whatever, she is his mother.
So this year, I call and offer for us to come up for Thanksgiving so she does not have to travel. I offer to do whatever she likes. She is always complaining that DH doesnt make time to see her and we don't call very much. She said she would have to think about it. Mind you, DH is an only child. She is divorced, never remarried, lives alone and is a family therapist. She has family but doesn't ever want to get together with them for big events and only sees a few of them occasionally. I asked her about a week ago. I was pretty insulted by the "I'll have to think about it" so much so that I've started planning a vacation for the two of us which sounds significantly more enjoyable.
I received an email from her today titled "thanksgiving and christmas" which said:
"How about we combine both ? You can come here, help me decorate, and we'll celebrate. You can go thru my decor to see if you want anything and take it.
If you want, I'll fix a turkey dinner. If so, I'll invite *her sis and husband* and the *neighbors*-- probably *some family member I've never met* *DH's father and step mother**??? Any thoughts?"
I'm not sure how to respond... Also, I have no use for decorations and can't stand that stuff. She knows it and always randomly brings it up.
I feel that etiquette would dictate we have to go up there because she accepted my offer, although rudely and with delay. I know I shouldn't compare families but if I had told my family that we were coming for Thanksgiving, they would have been excited and I can't even imagine the same response from them.
Ugh. Side note, there are a lot of MIL threads on here. Glad I'm not the only one.
Re: MIL and holidays
Anyway, have you guys made other plans for Thanksgiving that are set in stone? Like have you made reservations anywhere or booked flights or anything like this? Because if that is the case, you can simply say that you guys have decided to go away for the holiday and then maybe you can arrange for a visit after the holiday or during Christmas instead. If you haven't made other arrangements though and would still like to spend the holiday with your MIL, then I say do what you initially were going to do and take the trip to spend the holiday with her. If I were you though, maybe let your H handle this - particularly if you guys are going away for the holiday - that way in case there are some hard feelings, he can be the one to deal with her.
If it makes you feel any better, Thanksgiving is always a tough one for my H & I - mainly because my birthday and my mother's birthday are on the same day, always falling either on or around Thanksgiving, so we always spend the holiday with my family. My MIL has consistently tried to get us to stay here and spend the holiday with them, including last year when she declared that since my birthday was after Thanksgiving that year, we should therefore stay and spend the holiday with them. (my family lives 2.5-3 hours away from us without traffic, so it's not like we can spend the holidays with both families) Thanksgiving is always a battle with my MIL. But in fairness, we spend like every other holiday with my in-laws, and they celebrate every holiday twice for 'religious reasons', so I've pretty much told her to back off on Thanksgiving.
I don't want to block my husband from spending some time with his mother, he seems aware of her crazy but also feels obligated as the only child. However, because she's being a little hysterical I also don't want to let her think her behavior is acceptable. I think the two of us going off on our own for "her" holiday would serve her right. It's tough, we only see her twice a year on average for a couple of days each. Otherwise, as we don't have kids and live 6 hours apart, we aren't too terribly involved in each other lives. It would be nice if the time we did spend together was pleasant.
I never could understand why my father hated the Holidays until I got married. Then I got it. People are nuts about time spent and plans over these days. They may not even see or talk to you 363 days out of the year but these two big days they demand a RSVP of yes.
If you do go this year tell your H that any toddler behavior from MIL this time and it will be the end of spending any Holiday with her. Why keep trying if she keeps acting like an ass? You and your H don't owe her anything.
Well, I honestly don't believe that thinking about it for a week this far in advance isn't too bad.
My advice is to give her one more chance. If she behaves the same way as she did last year, then get up and leave and stop spending the holiday with her. Remember, this is your holiday too and if you two decide you want to go on vacation or whatever, then you should do it.
Is she really a family therapist ?
Has your DH actually tried to talk to his mom about the holidays and about last year? There seems to be no clarity around that.
I get it that his mom may be a little nuts. But I think maybe it's time you stop trying to be the "perfect" DIL and just step back. Let him deal w/ his mom, let him handle calling her, making holiday arrangements, etc. To me- this whole thing is the prime example of a time when it's really best that you each handle your own fmailies.
ALl that being said - you come across as really petty over THanksgiving. There are clearly feelings on her end about what happened last year that neither you nor your DH have tried to actually figure out what is going on there.
So then, you invite yourself over and get "insulted" that she doesn't immediatley jump for joy at your offer? THen immediately start to make other plans. All to "stick it to her?".
People are saying that she's acting like a toddler and having a temper tantrum, but you're not really coming across much better than her in THIS situation.
Stop expecting her to be someone she isn't. I'm not excusing her behavior, but she's NOT your family and she's not going to respond as they would. It's absolutely unfair to expect that of her.
Approaching her w/ a big change to THanksgiving (which puts the burden on her) and then getting pissy and insulted that she dared to want to take some time to think about it? Sorry- you're in the wrong on this. And I have a feeling you probably knew this is how she'd react. I think you're putting her in a no-win situation.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
For someone who is very close to her family, I can not ever imagine calling my mom and saying we want to come visit (for any reason) and not having them be happy/excited that we are coming. As she clearly loves her only son, I was confused/insulted/shocked by her reaction. We don't need pity or to inconvenience her, we are more than capable of making other plans for the holiday, but being with her has been synonymous with Thanksgiving for the last decade.
Honestly, I mostly wanted a place to vent. I'm not really about to start a war with his mom. DH and his mom did discuss what happened last year but I did not pry as it seemed a personal issue between those two. She slammed the door in his face, not mine. I thought it had been resolved between the two, hence my assumption about the holiday. While she and I didn't talk for 6 months after, it was only slightly less than usual. We certainly don't have an openly hostile relationship, we just dont talk all that often normally. The vacation just to spite her was mostly tongue in cheek, its not like I was going to send her vacation photos and go "breaking bad" style, "remember this next year, bitch". Yes, I would definitely rather go on vacation than spend time with my MIL but that doesn't mean I'm going to get (or should get) what I prefer.
I have told DH that we can still go up and see his mom if that's what he wants as long as he confirms that she actually wants us to come and we aren't imposing or cancelling some other plans she has. I'll let him handle it. I'm curious as to how it will pan out. In the grand scheme of things, it could be worse. I appreciate the perspective and the advice you guys gave.
As for what your DH and his mom talked about - to a point, it's between them, but to a point it isn't. She is in YOUR home as YOUR guest. She reacted rudely to you too. Not just him. And in the context of moving forward and knowing what to look out for when it comes to her and her expectations - YOU need to know what was going on w/ the visit last year.
I find it really odd that you and your DH haven't discussed this because really, YOU are now left to navigate this entirely blind. Without knowing what was going on, you may very well walk into that situation again.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You offered, she just wanted to think about it. She probably just was thinking who she would be able to invite, how she would make dinner and such. Even though she may have seemed to offend you, I'm sure that wasn't her intention. We are all different people and do things differently, say things differently. I get offended with certain things too sometimes my MIL will say to me. After thinking about it I always realize that she didn't mean any harm by it. She is trying to work with you and just wants to spend time with her only son and her only daughter in law.
He only has one mom and they don't stay around forever. Try to enjoy what time you guys have for your parents. She lives far, you only see her a couple times a year, I'm sure, so just enjoy what time you have.
As for talking with DH about her and last year. Beyond some anecdotal commentary, I don't think he ever got an answer for why she had that reaction beyond "she needs to manage her expectations" and that she is what she is. We didn't discuss it much because once it was over, he didn't bring it up and I don't really care. I think she was rude but again, its his mom. They seemed like everything had returned back to normal and we discussed going up there instead this year before I made the call.
For being a family therapist, amusingly, she doesn't like to talk about her feelings or the crazy stuff she does.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10