Family Matters
iup22
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i am intimidated by my mother in law
i am just going to come out and say it- i am intimidated by my mother in law.
Let me paint a picture for you.. The main issue is that my husband and I have different ideas about family. He thinks family should be one big godfather movie... with everyone always in each other's lives and at each other's houses. He actually said that we should go to his mother's house every night for dinner (his argument was: it would logically be easier for me because i wouldn't have to cook AND as a bonus we would be saving money... also his mom makes really delicious food so why isn't it a win win win?) I really believe that if we all lived in one big house he would be perfectly fine with us just having our own bedroom. He would be fine with his parents practically raising our children. I however, was raised in a different way. I am a person that needs and cherishes privacy and my own personal space. Yes, i love my family to death. yes, i want them to be a big part of my life. But i see my husband and i as one separate branch on the family tree and sees us... as all one big branch without so much emphasis on us as a couple.
I am terrified of the fact that when i have children, i think my husband will do nothing to prevent my mother in law from stomping into my life and suffocating everything until she is in CONTROL. This is a woman whose sole purpose in life was to raise her children. she never worked- she was a stay at home mom and that was what she lived for. now that her children are all grown up she feels she has no purpose. she is bidding her time until she can be a grandmother and find some meaning to her life again. I want to be understanding, I want to put myself in her shoes- but i just can't shake the idea that she will become an overpossive monster and elbow me out of the way to complete her sol purpose in life- "BEING THE GRANDMOTHER aka GOD"
When we first got married.... we would come home to 10+ voicemails on the answering machine with her weeping and begging us to tell her where we were. she would literally have an anxiety attack if she didn't hear from us every 10 hours. I.CANNOT.LIVE.THAT.WAY.
It's five years later and she has calmed down tremendously- we are actually getting along now and are always very nice and polite to one another. But again, i am dreading becoming pregnant because i know she will want to be the mother instead of the grandmother. and i will be alone in the fight against her. my kids will probably grow up thinking she is their mother and undermine me all the time. i don't know how to manipulate teh situation so that i get my own way. my husband is a genius at this and always manages to convince me i dont actually want what i want... i actually want what HE wants.
HELP! any kind advice will be greatly appreciated...
should i tell her all of this?? am i nuts to think this way? probably.
Re: i am intimidated by my mother in law
Seriously. Do not have children with this man until you resolve this very big problem that you have with him.
Um, yeah. DH problem here. If he were on your side, he would help set boundaries.
Honestly - I think it's time to have a come to Jesus talk with him. This isn't o.k and you will NOT have children w/ him until he starts to help create boundaries and back you up.
The fact that he seems to be able to easiliy manipulate you - that tells me thats probably a part of what attracted him to you. He wants someone he can mold to be the wife and DIL that will fit into his family.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I wonder like a PP pointed out if he didn't marry you because he knew you'd be easy to control. If so, I'd run far and fast away. He may have only married you because he wants to keep mommy around as his "wife" and have you in his bed type of situation. It's gross but it happens.
His total okay with having Mommy cook for you two every night is strange. His only reasons are selfish but I think it's really to make his Mother happy. How much you wanna bet those are her reasons to him that he parroted back to you? Also, how are you ever going to learn or know how to cook if you never get to do it?
TBO, I would try the counseling but I wouldn't hold out much hope of this changing. You need to lay down the law with him and find your backbone with your MIL today. Stop letting them both steamroll you and stand up for yourself. Tell your H that going forward it's one night a month dinner at his mothers, if she throws a fit then it's zero and if he doesn't start putting you first and focus his attention on the family he created (you and him) then you are leaving and he can go live with his Mommy and you'll go find a real man. At this point you'd be better off alone in your own space than being second at your MILs.
When people have a baby it's amazing the BSC that comes out. If you cannot get your H on the same page about his mothers involvement in your lives before this it's going to be one hell of a fight.
Really talk with him and tell him EXACTLY how you feel. The way you feel like he is not on your side and how he seems to try to change your mind. Let him know what bothers you and what you want. They don't read minds and his Mom obviously is a huge importance to him, which is totally normal, but he is too much with it. Once you get him to understand you tell him that he needs to talk with his mother about boundaries. HOw much you can and can't handle. He needs to work on making you happy rather than his mother. Once he gets the fact that he has you, you are the one he needs to live with, he is the one who he needs to support and always be behind you no matter what, maybe things will get better.
He may not know any other ways. That was how he was raised and Mom's do have lots of control over their boys sometimes and sometimes it takes his woman to open up his eyes. GOod luck girl!!!!!
You and he need to ignore her antics and acting.
And you need to stand up to her.
NO KIDS until you both learn to face her bullying and no kids until he learns that he is to be one unit with you...and if he won't or can't, RETHINK HIM, even this far down the road.
You need a man and a husband, not a wimp who puts his mother first. GL.
Right and in all of her posts, everyone is saying this same thing
- Why didn't you talk about this before you got married
- Why did you marry this guy
- This is a husband problem.
Just a helpful/friendly hint. Don't use the phrase "doesn't/didn't work" and "stay at home mom" in the same sentence." It is offensive to stay at home moms.
It's a very demanding, thankless, no break job and we don't appreciate being told that we don't work. And many times we are the moms who help the ones who do work outside the home when day care or baby sitters fall through.
The better phrase to use is "doesn't/didn't work outside the home."
The choice to work out or in the home is a major one. Everyone is different and every family is different. What works for one doesn't work for another. But it's all work. Just don't tell a woman who isn't getting paid for what she does that she isn't working.
Seems like OP was expecting something else because I notice she hasn't come back....
God helps those who helps themselves! Stand up to her and stick up for your rights. Let NOBODY intimidate you.
You're insulted or bitched at or you hear her say something that isn't true or correct? Then it's time to nip it in the bud right there and say "Enough. You are not to speak like that to me." And if she gets nasty? You tell her the hell off.
You can't blame anybody but yourself if whoever it is continually says or does unacceptable things if you don't speak up and stick up for yourself. Sorry.
PS: That's positively hilarious --- the panicky thousand telephone calls wondering where you and your H were! So how was that APB and missing person's report she filed with the FBI? Sheesh!!!!
True that!! My two years as a SAHM have been way more demanding and exhausting than my 17 years working outside the home! I read today that by the time a child reaches age two, the average parent has lost six months of sleep. No wonder I feel like crap!