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Don't have anyone to talk to about this...
I found out a few days ago that my husband has been texting someone. I've been suspecting that something was going on, but didn't have anything to go on. We have been together 9 years and just got married in April. We have 2 kids, 4 & 7. I found out about the texting because he has a monthly plan with 1,000 minutes and 1,000 texts. He isn't a texter. Two weeks after adding time to his phone he was out of texts. I thought maybe something goofed and took away too many messages. It did this to me the day after I got my phone and had to call and they saw that it was a glitch and gave me back my time. Well I called and they wouldn't tell me anything (his phone is in my name.). I told his that I was going to have to send off to get the records to see if it was a glitch or if he used 1,000 messages in 2 weeks. BTW, he sends maybe 3-4 messages a day that I know about and I rarely text him. He was very adamant that I don't need to get the records. Because he was so against me getting them I knew that there was something going on. I asked him to tell me what was going on and he said nothing. I said ok then I'm going to get the records to get the phone figured out and if I'm going to see something you don't want me to you need to tell me now. All he would say is 'Either leave it alone or deal with what happens.' I don't even know what this means. After 2 days I reminded him that I was getting the records and that in order to do that I have to get a paper notarized. My aunt who is the gossip queen of my family and all her friends is a notary and I reminded him that she is going to realize that something is going on because I'm getting his phone records.
Eventually it came out that he had been texting someone. He wouldn't tell me anything except that I don't need to know because 'maybe she is married and has a husband and family too'. After a bunch of questions that he didn't really answer and I read between the lines it came down to it is someone that he works with. All he can say about it is that 'it just happened'. and has been going on for 'about a month.' He said that there was nothing physical and had no comments when I asked if the messages were sexual.
His reactions when we finally got past that he has been talking to someone was 'I screwed up'. He says that he isn't happy with the way our relationship has been lately. That I'm not physical with him as much as he is with me. He says that he wants me to loose weight, which I completely agree. I have had a hard time loosing weigh after having my gallbladder removed 4.5 years ago. Being overweight has caused me to have very little confidence in myself. And so you have the facts I'm 5'7'' and 200.
I'm just so mad and feel completely humiliated. He works in a grocery store and I have an idea of who the person is. If it is this person she is friends with people I am friends with through my mommy group and her daughter takes dance at a place where I have been donating to with my Avon business.
I really just don't know where to go from here. I don't want to tear my family apart. I want to know exactly who the person is and exactly what was going on. Is this asking too much? He didn't want to tell me anything so I know he won't tell me this. I just feel so lost at where to go from here. What do me do to fix this? I know this sounds strange, but I've really thought about telling him that I want him to tell his parents. I want him to feel the guilt from that.
To make things worse, his sister's husband left her right after Thanksgiving last year for someone else. He has been very mad at him for cheating on his sister and leaving her and their adopted baby. In the last couple weeks they have actually gotten back together for the second time since then.
I thank you for reading this. I don't really have any friends except a couple who I've met through my mommy group which as I said I believe she could be apart of. I don't really have any family that I talk to either. We live with his parents as we are trying to get out of debt.
Re: Don't have anyone to talk to about this...
Still get the records.
Get an STD test.
Immediately look for marriage counseling and individual counseling. This is very important and a must. I can not emphasize this enough. Marriage AND Individual counseling. You have some difficult decisions to make.
Get those records! I would have a hard time believing anything that comes out of his mouth. He is not being forthcoming and still hiding information from you and really at this point if he did tell you more, would you believe him? I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would kick him out, but I could not live with someone that I cannot trust. Wondering every minute that he is not with me who is he with or what is he texting with her? HUGS!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Thank you for your responses. I'm not going to turn my focus to her, I just want to know who it is. I possibly have to see this person every time I go to the grocery store and would like to know who to avoid.
He is normally annoyingly truthful. We live with his parents and I have no job and no where to go. That is not the reason I'm attempting to work it out. I do truly love him and I know he loves me. I can tell when he is lying by the way he acts or what he says. He rarely lies so he is terrible at it and I've gotten to be able to read him very good over the last 9 years. I'm looking for a counselor now and hopefully we can work this out.
Whose mess is it? His or yours er both?
I would, if I were you, show him the door and get the marriage annulled.
See an attorney to get child support and visitation ready --- and also see an attorney about the debt. I don't know if it is his, or yours, or both, or when or how it was accumulated. YOu'll need an attorney for the debt issue. It might have a bearing on the legal dissolution of your marriage.
Get rid of him and post haste and get tested.
Also protect your assets. GL.
Yes you do: You can go home to your parents' house. Don't make excuses to stay with this jerk.
And that you started your marriage by living with people, instead of doing it in your own place, as a couple and with your kids:
Not so good.
This throws a monkeywrench into the entire process of newlywedhood: you're supposed to be adjusting to each other -- critical --- and you are also supposed to not live with other people. It isn't a good idea.
And factor in that this is his parents' home: not yours. You follow their orders; this is their turf. This is like being back in high school.
That is not the reason I'm attempting to work it out. I do truly love him and I know he loves me.
But does he love you enough to commit to you and you alone? Sorry, but he is just not into marriage. Get rid of him.
I can tell when he is lying by the way he acts or what he says. He rarely lies so he is terrible at it and I've gotten to be able to read him very good over the last 9 years. I'm looking for a counselor now and hopefully we can work this out.
A counselor is a great idea.
And it may very well be that this relationship with him and you is over --- and it may have been over for a very long time already. It's most likely that the relationship has run its course and is winding down. Shitty, but it happens.
Obtain the records indeed. And if you do contact the other person, don't do it in a confrontational way. I personally would not even speak to her. The damage is done -- but you need the evidence for admission when you get this marriage annulled.
Keeping yourself and your kiddoes in this household with your H is not a good idea and here is why:
You are letting your H use you like a doormat. He's got no respect for you at all. He is no example of somebody with character.
Your kids are young but they are sure to pick up on the fact that something's wrong between Mommy and Daddy. I would not want my kids to grow up in a home where there is no love or respect for me. Your kids will turn out to be either bullies or doormats -- they will also grow up with the wrong idea what a "normal" mother and father is. Kids need a set of parents who love each other and have respect for each other. Your H has none for you.
He and you more or less have to set an example for them so that they know how to be treated by the opposite sex and how to treat somebody of the opposite sex.
You will also wind up living under a Sword of Damocles. You will wonder who your H has in his stable and who else might be in the wings. Do you want to play that kind of game with yourself and do you want to live that way? I don't think so.
YOu are only married 6 months -- why I am suggesting an annullment versus a divorce. Your marriage would be struck from the legal records and the marriage would be marked down as not existing at all. In other words, your status would be never married.
Why did you marry him when you did? What were your reasons?
You can also hock your wedding and engagement ring and use that for quick money to get you back to your parents' house -- I will also bet they will foot the bill for you to come back.
I know of a woman who has been putting up with a guy's lies for years.
He lies about who he is with, what he does and doesn't do and his latest lie is "of course I still love you and want to be with you."
She cries about it all and says "it's not that easy" when she's told "break off with him; he's toxic."
I'd hate to see you wind up in her shoes.
Why did you marry him, indeed? I am wondering what the motivation was.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I hope you divorce him and take ALL his money. Every last godsdamn cent.
Click me, click me!
He would blame his cheating on the fact that you wear your part too low, the color of your shoes, that you wear your hair too long, too short, etc etc.
It's the immaturity of the entire thing. You could have a figure like a Playboy Playmate of the Year but the fact of the matter is he cheated and he wants a "reason" for it: Nothin' doin'.
Get rid of him posthaste -- lose 200 pounds fast!
And I'd really love to know what his overall reaction is. Has he agreed to stop? Has he agreed to avoid her at work? What consequences has HE put out there and is willing to do?
I have a feeling "none" - because a person who avoided being honest to the degree he did odesn't want to stop what he's doing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No matter how poor, uneducated, broken hearted, scared, confused, or helpless & abused you feel-there is a group that will help you out financially & in secret:
National Domestic Abuse Hotline-1-800-799-7233
or 1-800-787-3224
You ARE being abused. Read the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.
I have seen a few couples get through cheating and go on to have happy marriages with due diligence. If this is truly what is right to you, then all the best of luck. But only you know what you truly should do. Best of luck to you.