Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Mom problems
I have a nagging issue and I guess I just want to validate my feelings and see what others opinions are. My husband and I are in our early 30s and want to start a family. I found out I was pregnant last year and when I told my mom, although she did say congratulations, her next sentence was ?I?m not ready to be a grandma yet. I still have so much to do with my life and they will slow me down.? Mind you she is in her 50s and I am in my 30s. I was a bit hurt by that, but know that she is a selfish person (who masquerades as a saint) so I tried not to let it bother me. I ended up miscarrying. I have been scared to try getting pregnant again although I still want to have a family. Well the other day she said out of the blue ?I have decided what I will want your kids to call me since I don?t want to be called grandma.? Well my grandma, her mother, said why wouldn?t you want to be called grandma? That?s a badge of honor. I couldn?t wait to be a grandma. Well, once again, my mom steps in and actually starts crying and explains yet again that ? She knows she will love her grandkids, but she does not want them. She is too busy and is finding balance in her life and she has seen peoples lives totally taken over by their grandkids and she just did not want the responsibility of grandchildren.- Here is what makes me want to puke ? my mom had me when she was 19. She left me when she was 21 because ?I stole her youth from her and she did not want the responsibility of a child.- So she just left one day and didn?t come back. My grandparents (her parents) became my legal guardians and raised me. She did return when I was around 5 years old and wanted to become a part of my life again. She was blessed with another daughter that year. She was in an abusive relationship and she ended up going to jail for neglect and endangering my sister. My sister came to live with me and my grandparents for a few years. After my mom got out of jail and went through tons of supervised visits and was declared ?fit? again she was awarded custody of my sister, but not me. Granted my mom has come a long way from the person she used to be and has made a lot of strides, but hearing her say that about her future grandchildren upsets me. A lot. Especially when her own parents took on the burden of both of her children because she was an unfit parent. My mom also seems to have literally blocked those years out of her memory and my sister and I swear she has memories that aren?t even real. Now I have forgiven her because I don?t want to carry that sadness around as an adult nor do I want her to pay for her mistakes forever, but how do I address the fact that 1) she has not come to terms with her reality or has merely just swept everything under the rug, 2) she has such selfish feelings towards my children already and I haven?t even had any yet! This is all compounded by the fact that my husband and I both have very good jobs and are in a wonderful, loving marriage, which she never had. We are in a much better position to start a family and we actually want one. I already know she did not want me, although she loves me now. Honestly I don?t even want her to be alone watching my children so she doesn?t even know that this will be a non issue in the future. So I guess my question is how would you feel if you where in my shoes? Have any of you experienced this before? Is it normal for grandparents to feel this way? I would think she would want to redeem herself for all of the pain she is personally responsible for with me and my sister.
Re: Mom problems
I think you are expecting your mom to be, y'know, a mom and she has done very little in her life to prove that she's worthy of that title. I'm not surprised that she's not on board with this next step.
Honestly, she doesn't have to be. 
Basically "ditto" BeckyOff. You're going to need to adjust your expectations. She most likely isn't going to be a super involved grandmother. you have to roll with this.
Honestly, a woman who is capable of leaving her young chil
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I can understand being hurt, but everyone is right. Some grandparents are simply not very involved. I know my friend has the same frustrations with her mother. Her daughter have asked several time to spend the night at their grandmoth
I think you might want to invest in some therapy. You have had some extremely painful experiences growing up - the abandonment from your mother most significantly. Your post implies that you are hoping that she has changed and will become a
So when we told my MIL I was pregnant she totally flipped and made a huge scene about how this was going to affect HER! And how DARE we!! She is a complete B my MIL. Your mother and her should really meet.
We have never really allowed my MI
Honestly, if I had a mom like yours and had heard say she wasn't ready for grandchildren the first words out of my mouth would have been "Why? You think I would EVER leave my children in YOUR care? You must be DREAMING!!"
I'm not gonna lie, I'd h
This sounds much like my Mom's life.
My grandmother (Mom's mom) had my Mom when she was 16. This was back in 1931, when having a baby outside wedlock was totally bad.
My grandmother was NOT a great Mom, and my Mom suffered and had a to
I haven't got any advice, but you're not alone in this - my mother is like this too, right down to the taking off while I was an infant and me living with grandparents and other people until I was about 12. She completely blocks this stuff out - as wel
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I don't have any advice because I don't have kids (and chose this lifestyle), but WOW.... It's not like she has to raise them or anything so what's the big deal? I guess given the way she was when you were born, you shouldn't have expected anythi
This is an interesting post. Like OP and some of the other people on this thread, I too had a mom who was more interested in being free than really being a mom when I was quite small. My grandma is like my second mom as well, because she really did rai
Hey Unicorn: First, Just because your mom, doesn't want the "Grandmother title" don't mean you can't be a MOM. Some New Parents, think that Grandparent are obligated and ON DEMAND to help out with their grand children, whenever ask. We Are Not. Doing what's best for your children isn't always easy, women are judge extremely harshly when they walk out or give up their parental rights, If your mother walked out on you, maybe she did what she thought was best for you at time. Trust me, when you are blessed with a child. she is gonna want all those missing unconditional hugs and kisses in her life.