Family Matters
nrchoura88
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Cannot stand my MIL. Will I ever be able to get past it?
I've been with my husband for 4 years. From the moment we started dating his mom has had a problem with me; from giving me the evil eye or telling him he could do better. I thought that maybe once we were married she would get over her issues, but it's been almost a year, and she barely says a word to me. I don't really even care to talk to her and I am fine if there are no conversations between the 2 of us. The worst part is just always feeling awkward whenever she's around and when I do have to see her, I just get annoyed by everything she does. My problem is now I just wish I could learn to ignore her and all the stupid things she does and says. I know I let it bother me too much, but I don't know how to stop letting her bother me. My husband knows I'm not a big fan of hers, but I don't think he knows how much I truly dislike the woman. And I feel bad since it is his mom, but I can't imagine ever being able to tolerate her. Any ideas on how I can try to ignore the things that annoy me, or am I stuck being constantly frustrated by everything my MIL does?
Re: Cannot stand my MIL. Will I ever be able to get past it?
The best advice I can give is figure out your non-negotiables. These are things you won't tolerate (and your husband has to be on board too, he should be the enforcer). For example, you both won't tolerate nasty comments about you, your marriage, your careers, your children, or your
family. If that line is crossed your husband needs to address it. Everything else is just noise. I have found it so much easier to deal with my MIL by working within these parameters.
It's so important that your spouse is on board. Does he acknowledge his mother's behavior? Has he defended you in the past?
THen you needed another boyfriend.
I cannot understand why women stay with a guy when it's pretty clear that a family member of his is problematic or nasty. No guy is worth it.
I don't think he stands up for you regarding his mother and I don't know what you're going to do when kids come into the picture.
Your real problem here: your H, if he cannot stand up for you -- you need to rethink him. Your MIL is the smaller issue.
I will say this, though... OP, chances are you need to take a step back. EVen if she really is "that bad", you even admit that basically everything she does annoys you. Back off on this and focus on what are REAL problems vs what are petty annoyances.
The reason I say this- she IS still your DHs mom. While I agree that he needs to back you up, if you harp too much on a bunch of petty crap, your DH may very well say "I don't care anymore- NOTHING my mom does will ever be o.k. w/ you..." and he won't care about the truly important stuff.
I learned this lesson personally. My ILs are frustrating on many levels. My DH is on the same page with me. And he handles them appropriately to help keep balance in our relationship with them.
But one time, years ago, I was too bitchy about his parents and he said "why does it matter? They can't do anything right". And that was a REAL wake-up call for me. I was getting to engrossed in the petty crap and lost sight of the important stuff.
So I backed off and held my tongue more. We moved past this and we got back to being on the same page - but a part of that "same page" is that *I* needed to respect that these ARE his parents and he loves them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Just go low contact with her for awhile. She is your Hs mother, let him deal and handle her. Sometimes when people who we don't like are away from us it's then easier to deal with them in low doses.
It seems a bit silly to get upset at a 'facial expression' - but I'd maybe suggest putting her on the spot if she does it (make sure to do it only when others are around so they can see). She looks at you funny? Ask her 'Is something wrong?/Is everything okay?/etc' Put her on the spot and see her reaction.
Otherwise just leave it alone because trust me, if you are going to get upset over something this minor, I hate to tell you that there will be bigger things down the road you will have to deal with and best to choose battles wisely.
There might be more reasons for MILs to disapprove than you think of, and they definitely aren't all warranted. I know my MIL asked my DH not to propose to me, and it's because I'm from a different culture and religion than them. So sure, I guess she has a reason, but it's an incredibly offensive and closed-minded one. Plus, if your child has chosen someone, I think you as the parent have to keep your trap shut and respect that decision. Bashing your child's future partner is disrespectful to both parties, because it's insulting your child's judgment and choice. I think there are lots of MILs who have questionable "reasons" to dislike their DILs.
Isn't this always the way.
These people are martyrs -- these women complain endlessly about the same ole thing and if you offer advice, you're marked down as "interfering" and condescending and bitter.
Remember: it's what we are uncomfortable with in ourselves that we criticize others for.
Offer no advice. Let these dumbbells try to figure it out for themselves.