October 2012 Weddings
mrshall1027
member
I mentioned in yesterdays Thursday Confession that H and I had gotten into a pretty big fight. We've basically made up, but there are some big issues that we are still facing.
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Need to vent
I apologize in advance for how long this post will be and I'll try to not be so "all over the place" with it.
Background - H has then friend (we'll call him T) that he's been friends with since HS. At first, T and I got along great up until a couple of weeks before our wedding. H was out of town, we were remodeling our house, I had just had my wisdom teeth removed and pretty much stressed the F out! T texted me complaining about the tux shop charging him too much and it was way over what we told him the price would be. I called the tux shop and they mistakenly didn't give him the discount we qualified for. I called T back to explain this to him and he basically got irate with me telling me that I was wrong and wouldn't let me explain the situation any further. I got frustrated and told him to figure it out on his own and hung up the phone. 10 minutes later, I calmed down and tried calling and texting him to apologize and got no response. It then spiraled out of control with T calling H, H's best man and some of the other groomsmen talking bad about me, saying that he's not going to be in the wedding and also went as far as telling H's best man that he was only the best man because I didn't like T. Even after all of that, I still tried to reach out and apologize for my part in this ridiculous situation. I have still never gotten a response to my apology nor an apology back.
Fast forward a bit. A few months ago, H went out with T. Got drunk and drove home. This caused a huge fight because I don't tolerate that behavior. H knew he was in the wrong and promised to not do it again, and he hasn't. About a month ago, H went out with T again and came home high. He never does that crap and I think he only did it because T had it and offered it to him. It just seems like he only does these dumb things when he's around T. T isn't even a good friend to H. He lies about different jobs and things that he does to make himself sound better than he actually is. He talks crap about people behind their backs and then pretends like they are best friends when they are around. With that whole incident I explained above, he talked crap about me calling me all sorts of terrible names.
Now for the present. T invited H to a football game tomorrow. I don't want him to go, partly because it's with T and partly because H is having a guys weekend next weekend in Dallas and I was hoping to have time with him this weekend. H knows this, but he hasn't hung out with T in a while and we both agreed he should go. Yesterday, I asked him if he could find out if T's wife was going to go. I asked because T had invited H to a baseball game about two months ago and I wasn't invited and we both assumed it was a guys thing. H shows up and T's wife is there. It really upset me and hurt my feelings and H said he didn't know so we moved past it. So, with that history, I just wanted to make sure that the same scenario wasn't going to play out at the football game. Well, H blew up at me saying that I need to get over the fact that I don't like T and to stop thinking there was some kind of plan T had to separate H and I. He way overreacted and it quickly spun out of control, with H calling me an asshole. It really blew up from there and H also told me that he thinks we need to spend some time apart. I'm embarrassed writing all of this out but I really need to talk to someone about it. I can't even begin to express the sadness I feel from him saying those things to me and calling me that name. It makes me feel so disrespected and low and for him to suggest separation, is just beyond me.
I feel the best thing to do at this point is to call a counselor. I truly believe that H has horrible communication skills when he gets angry and hits way below the belt. He doesn't understand that his words are so hurtful and leave scars behind. This isn't the first time he's said things to me that he doesn't mean but really hurts. He's mentioned that he feels I'm being cold towards him and not as affectionate as I used to be. Well, why do you think that is? The good thing is that H is open to going to a counselor. We've both been married before and know the signs of trouble and do not want to go down that road again.
I know marriage is work and I believe that we'll get past this. In every other way, H is an amazing husband and father and the love of my life. He really is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm very thankful to have him in my life. I just hope he's open to changing this one bad thing about himself because I won't put up with it. I deserve to be treated better than that, even when we are fighting.
Re: Need to vent
Also, I think your H needs to realize what's more important...going out and having a good time with T or being home with his wife. H needs to stand up to T and tell him that badmouthing you is NOT acceptable.
First of all.. ***BIG HUG*** >:D<
DH has a friends like this as well. He luckily started to notice that this friend was toxic and never hangs out with him anymore. But he would go out with this friend, drive home and would be drunk. It has caused MANY fights. He still tends to be on the edge of legal when he drives and it is probably our #1 fight. I won't tolerate drunk driving.
As for your situation, I think it's great that he is willing to go to counseling with you. That is huge. That right there tells me that you guys will be fine. I'm sorry that he hits below the belt when you fight. There are a lot of great people that do that. Hopefully counseling will help him learn to choose his words better when angry. I hope he realizes that this friend of his is toxic. It seems to take guys a much longer time to realize that sort of thing.
Good luck and keep us posted!
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. (((hugs)))
Counseling is a great step in the right direction. I'm glad he is so open to this. My H is very sensitive to verbal cues so, I feel like sometimes I am the one who hits below the belt. We have instituted the phrase "words hurt" when we get into an argument. It allows us to tell the other person that what they are saying is hurtful to us. It has really helped in the way we communicate. (I know it sounds really lame!)
I think you should also take a step back from TTC. The last thing you want to happen right now, it the midst of trouble, is to bring another life into the mix.
It sounds like you are definitley taking steps in the right direction. If you need to talk it through, I'm always around!
>:D< Ugh I know how awful it is when your SO goes below the belt. H used to do it ALL.THE.TIME and we did go to counseling for it while we were engaged. It helped a lot. H was married before so he was the one to suggest it.
When he does it now, I've learned to ignore it and not fuel the fire... but I realized that sometimes makes him try harder. Usually he says he's going to go back home (NC) for the weekend. I'm like ok have fun. Then somehow I get compared to his ex... sorry you feel that way. etc... Usually he'll cool off and we can talk about it. Sometimes I tell him to go for a drive and come back when he's ready to talk or I go walk the dog. It helps, we both need to cool off.
I hope you guys can find something that helps you too. Sounds like this is a bad habit he needs to recognize and break.