Family Matters
MtnLvr109
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Ex BIL
My sister and her husband of 13 years recently split in the last year in a half or so. After a lot, and I mean A LOT, of drama and tears they are finally officially divorced. No one in my family ever really liked him. He's just kind of a douche and has never ever treated my sister right. They have 2 kids together, ages 11 and 6. I don't know why, but my sister has had a difficult time separating her new life from her old. The ex comes over for dinner with the kids several times a week to her house while she goes to yoga, they all go out to dinner together frequently, and they even travel together for things such as get-aways for the kids' birthdays (which they can't even afford to be doing in the first place). She says she doesn't want to be with him, but then she goes and does this kind of crap which not only confuses him, but the kids as well. Then, today I find out that she invited him to our dinner that she and I had planned for tonight. She says that the kids invited him but don't you think that one of them should have been the adult in this situation and put their foot down and say no? We've had a problem with her allowing him to come to family functions and holidays and my mom finally had to tell her to stop letting him come. She claims that she feels bad for him or that it's because of the kids....blah blah blah. She went through hell and back with this guy and she continually caters to him. I want to say something to her but I know it won't do any good. I've had enough of the drama and him being invited to things with our family. He is not our family anymore. If he wants to see the kids, it should be on his own time. I know this is mostly just ranting, but has anyone else encountered the same situation? I don't want to be around this person any longer and she invites him to things at the last minute so you can't just cancel. From everything that's happened between the 2 of them, it makes it very awkward to be around them together. She bitches and bitches about him, but then when they're together it's like they never got divorced. He still calls her by the pet name he had for her for example. I know this is her life and it really isn't any of my business but like I said, I'm tired of being put in an awkward position and I don't want to be around this jackass. If she wants to continue this extremely dysfunctional relationship, I don't want to have any part in it.
Re: Ex BIL
Like PP said, all you can control is him at your house or not. Also, leave your sister alone. She is new at this and she is trying. The constant talking to her about what she is doing wrong isn't going to help her or her kids. If you must say anything to her, keep it positive and focus on what she did/is doing right. She did leave the marriage and get a divorce, applaud that. Not every person even makes it that far.
A codependency that will never ever end.
They have NOT broken up. They never will either --- and you would be surprised how many couples there are that are like this.
It's a shame -- because this is unhealthy for the kids, plus it is unhealthy, period.
I know of a couple just like this.
She invited him to dinner w/ you? You know what? You actually CAN cancel. Just tell her "I wanted to have dinner w/ you and kids. Not him. Let me know when we can reschedule. You all enjoy dinner tonight". Do that a couple times, she'll get it.
You can also, when she starts to bitch about him, tell her "Sorry, sis. I can't listen to this. As long as you include him in our lives, I don't want to hear the negative stuff. I'll be glad to be a shoulder for you when you really are ready to cut the cord. But until then - I can't play both sides of this".
However - I agree w/ MLE - he IS a part of your family on a certain level. he is the father of your niece/nephew (?). right now- this is seems to be dysfunctional and I don't think they are doing themselves any favors by being SO intertwined. But at the same time, I think it would be bad for her kids to see her (their) family actively shun their father.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10