He teases and picks on me...

Re: He teases and picks on me...

• JemmaWRX member

  

  October 2013

  Well you told him the truth and that's good - your feelings are on the table. I understand what you're saying about his reaction, that you don't feel he has the right to be upset. But if this was his way of showing affection, expressing love, feeling playful, etc I can understand why he's hurt. So let that part go. It's not going to help resolve the issue.
  
  I would suggest approaching the topic again once you have both cooled off and his hurt feelings and your irritation has subsided. Acknowledge that you appreciate he wants to be playful and silly but he needs to still respect your personal boundaries. Provide examples of what's ok and what's not ok.
  
  Good luck!

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• Leftie22 member

  

  October 2013

  Does he show his affection in other ways that you like? (Or would like?) Maybe when you talk again, play up those things, or tell him you'd like it if he hugged you (or whatever you wish he would do) instead of tickling you. I absolutely hate being tickled too, it makes me ragey! I often tell DH the kinds of attention I like (face or hair touching) instead of the kinds he gravitates towards (tickling or being gropey.) It might take your DH some time to break the habit, but if you can remind him in a jokey or light-hearted way, eventually he might get it. And it'll be good for him, because he'll be doing things that get a positive response, instead of a defensive one!

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• kss20 member

  

  October 2013

  Did he just do something when you brought it up last night?  Were you upset when you told him he needed to tone it down?  If so, you might just want to try again when you're calm and he's not being defensive.  I agree with PP.  Just tell him that you want him to stay him, I  just needs to balance out with the way you enjoy receiving affection.  Talk about your "love languages."  Google it if you need to (I did.  haha.)

  I had this same issue with my FI.  When we first start dating he would tease me a lot and I'm just a little more sensitive than he is used to.  We had to work on finding a balance, and now it's not really an issue between us.

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  October 2013 edited October 2013

  NO means NO!
  
  His behavior and actions are alarming and dangerous.
  
  Please sit him down and tell him that once and for all the teasing is to stop and so is any touching that makes you uncomfortable --- or you will heave his ass out the door.
  
  I am serious --- anybody who does things to you or says things to you willfully  when you have made it clear you do not want to see or hear or witness it  is TROUBLE. Not to mention insensitive, not very grown up and just plain mean.
  
  Give my words thought. YOu need this -- and him --- like you need a broken arm.
  

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• Kimbus22 member

  

  October 2013

  kss20 said:

  Did he just do something when you brought it up last night?  Were you upset when you told him he needed to tone it down?  If so, you might just want to try again when you're calm and he's not being defensive.  I agree with PP.  Just tell him that you want him to stay him, I  just needs to balance out with the way you enjoy receiving affection.  Talk about your "love languages."  Google it if you need to (I did.  haha.)

  I had this same issue with my FI.  When we first start dating he would tease me a lot and I'm just a little more sensitive than he is used to.  We had to work on finding a balance, and now it's not really an issue between us.

  This. I don't find this alarming or dangerous.  Sounds like he's always been this way and thought it was harmless and fun.  You probably got mad in the moment and told him so and he wasn't prepared for it and got defensive.  So it escalated.  Talk about it at another time and do it calmly.  Tell him you understand that he thinks it's cute but that it really bothers you and you'd prefer if if were affectionate in other ways.
  

  

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• kss20 member

  

  October 2013

  I don't really agree that touching someone's ear would be considered dangerous behavior....

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• kss20 member

  

  October 2013

  Unless that person bites.

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• zitrone member

  

  October 2013

  Leftie22 said:

  Does he show his affection in other ways that you like? (Or would like?) Maybe when you talk again, play up those things, or tell him you'd like it if he hugged you (or whatever you wish he would do) instead of tickling you. I absolutely hate being tickled too, it makes me ragey! I often tell DH the kinds of attention I like (face or hair touching) instead of the kinds he gravitates towards (tickling or being gropey.) It might take your DH some time to break the habit, but if you can remind him in a jokey or light-hearted way, eventually he might get it. And it'll be good for him, because he'll be doing things that get a positive response, instead of a defensive one!

  This. BF and I pick on each other constantly. But there are certain topics or physical jokes that are big no nos. He'll react like your DH did and wonder why I'm upset because all he's doing is being affectionate. Redirection, like PP said, is what I find looks best. If your work situation has triggered this change, then it's definitely about lack of affection. My BF and I live 5-6 hours from each other so when we see each other, he can be super touchy.
  But at the same time, the PP saying people doing things without your consent is correct. There's a line, if he doesn't stop when you ask, that's a problem.
  

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• doeydo member

  

  October 2013

  I think he might be trying to just play around and have fun/be "affectionate".  I think you need to talk to him, when you are calm, to explain how you feel the way you do when he ________ (naming the actions).

  
  

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• DawnLilly member

  

  October 2013

  Guys understand actions better than words. DH used to walk up to me (not in public) and act like he was going to hug me, then would grab and bounce my boobs. I told him repeatedly that it got on my nerves. He said he was just playing and that I needed to lighten up. So, then I started to give it a few minutes after he'd do it then I'd walk up behind him when he wasn't paying attention and put my toe in the back of his knee. He locks his knees when he stands so it would alway catch him off guard. After a couple times of this he told me he really didn't like it when I did that. I didn't say anything just looked at him and he said "okay, point taken" and hasn't done it since.

  

  
  
  

  
  

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• raysteph814 member

  

  October 2013

  Honestly i think if it isnt risking your life then it really isnt a big deal. my SO does something that bothers me but honestly i get over it.. He know I hate the tongue everything about it grosses me out.. so when I go into kiss him he will lick me.. at first i would get so mad but now I just kind of expect it.. he laughs and thinks its funny but honestly it really isnt something i should really get upset over.. boys will be boys... they are immature and will do what they want.. there is no sense in me trying to tame and whip a 6'3 300 pound Sicilian man.. we get along like no ones business but there are some things i disagree with like when he "honkas" me grabs my boobs he is a boob man.. its just something i should get used to he doesnt do it in public so its really no big deal i do thinks like touch his neck randomly which he hates and touch his chest and he just gets over it.. its really not that big of a deal.. honestly if he isnt hurting you then just tell him you dont like it if it does it once in a while then fine but not all the time.

   

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• LeahMI member

  

  October 2013

  Thanks for your perspective everyone. When I thought about it, a lot of it comes from his family. There's 5 kids and they all pick on each other and tease each other and that's how they show that they care. I also brought up the sex thing to him a day or so later and he said it made a lot of sense. He's said he'll try to communicate more effectively when he's feeling physically needy instead of teasing.

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• catsareniice1 member

  

  October 2013

  TarponMonoxide said:

  NO means NO!
  
  His behavior and actions are alarming and dangerous.
  
  Please sit him down and tell him that once and for all the teasing is to stop and so is any touching that makes you uncomfortable --- or you will heave his ass out the door.
  
  I am serious --- anybody who does things to you or says things to you willfully  when you have made it clear you do not want to see or hear or witness it  is TROUBLE. Not to mention insensitive, not very grown up and just plain mean.
  
  Give my words thought. YOu need this -- and him --- like you need a broken arm.
  
  
  This! I agree with all of it!
  

  
  

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• R.Wilsonny member

  

  October 2013

  LeahMI said:

  Thanks for your perspective everyone. When I thought about it, a lot of it comes from his family. There's 5 kids and they all pick on each other and tease each other and that's how they show that they care. I also brought up the sex thing to him a day or so later and he said it made a lot of sense. He's said he'll try to communicate more effectively when he's feeling physically needy instead of teasing.

  Well at least you were able to talk about it once things cooled down. I don't agree with those who said that what he's doing is 'dangerous' - that's a bit ridiculous. But no does mean no, so if you're telling your H 'hey I don't like this, please stop' then he should stop.
  
  My H & I horse around with each other but the minute either one if us says stop or I don't like that, then we stop. A little fun is no big deal, but not if it hurts the other person.

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• SusanH. member

  

  October 2013

  MY OPINION

   -  if you tell him you don't like something and he continues to do it, it is saying " I don't give a crap about how you feel".

   

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• upcgirl member

  

  October 2013

  My boyfriend does the same thing to me. I believe it is their way of trying to connect with us. Their way of flirting, if you will. And though I don't mind it on occasion, I don't enjoy it all the time either. Though it is annoying, take it lightly, and perhaps pester him back! LOL. I have learned to retaliate!

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• cutiepie0104 member

  

  October 2013

  A small amount of banter is sweet(ish) because he pays attention to what you're saying-BUT in the opposite way of what you mean. All I can say is stick to it call him out every time he does it. But dont suck the fun out of being playful. 

  
  

  I hate being kissed on the neck so when we are being playful the first thing my H does is go for the neck because he knows I hate it, so I retaliate whatever way possible. when he says Ouch or I dont like that, I say "I don't like you necking me!" It's always given me the creeps for some reason.

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• kgg6 member

  

  October 2013

  Ah, my H did something very similar! He's a class clown type guy, which is why I love him, but sometimes he got so caught up in a joke he wouldn't notice I was getting genuinely annoyed. So we came up with a light hearted way for me to alert him I was not entertained by certain jokes. I simply say "safety word." (I know, no points for creativity). It sounds odd, but when he hears that and sees me take a step away, he knows my feelings are getting hurt or I'm just not laughing anymore. After a few weeks, he started drawing an association between the types of teasing and the phrase, and now we don't really need to use the phrase. Maybe worth a try? Oh, and H got to use the phrase, too, if he was getting upset by something I was doing.
  

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