When/How to tell. (Fully Updated)

brij2006 · October 2013

Whew, now that I have this on the right board...

Okay so I need an outside opinion on this situation.

We have told the news to our parents, H's brother, and a few close friends. But we have yet to tell my brother the news. H is getting on me that I need to tell my brother. Especially because his brother knows, and he thinks it's only fair that mine know too.

Well my brother is 4 years older than me, and suffers from mild depression. He has a lot of anger issues, and goes to me to vent about his life and struggles. He has always had a view that I'm the "good child" because I didn't get in much trouble growing up or now, and have always had my life pretty well put together. So when we told him that we were engaged, his first words to me were "you beat me to it." He has since expressed to me of how he can't stand his life and how he should be married and have a child by now. He also lost a close friend a little over a month ago to cancer, and has been very down about why these things have to happen to good people.

So it isn't that I don't want to tell my brother the news, it's that I don't want to have to tell him that we miscarried if anything were to happen. I'm afraid it will push him to his breaking point, and he wouldn't be able to handle it.

I talked to my parents about this last night, and they said that he would be very happy to know and if anything happens then he needs to understand that it can happen and it is part of life.

What would you ladies do? If I wait longer, then it will be till around 9-10 weeks when we have the first ultrasound and have confirmed that everything is okay. So I wouldn't be waiting the full 12 weeks like we will with everyone else. But H and my parents both think I need to tell him this week when I help him on the farm.

Full Update: So I told him, and I broke it to him that dad had been keeping a secret from him. He asked me what that secret was, and I said it was that he's going to be an uncle. His response was, "oh I am?" Then he went straight into asking me if I had to get assistance like our 2 cousins did. I told him yes, and we talked a little bit about it. Then he immediately changed the subject and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore.

So he text me after I got home, and this is what his texts said. "Sis, I'm so happy that you and H were able to get pregnant with only little assistance. My heart aches that you had to even get some, because I know you will make an amazing mother and that has been your dream for a long time. But right now I need to try and figure out what is going on in my head. I'm happy for you, but I'm sad and sorry for myself. That my little sister has her shit together, and her older brother can't even be a role model for her. It is the other way around instead. But thank you very much for the conversation, and you always have a way to make me feel better about myself and my life. I thank you for that. Love you, bro."

LuckyAngel07 · October 2013

I don't know how to break this news, but I agree you should tell him now(ish).

I have some very close friends who aren't married yet. It didn't make them any less happy for me when I got engaged and married. Your brother, problems aside, should be thrilled for anything good that happens in your life. I'm sure he is, too, even if the first thing out of his mouth is something negative about himself.

Maybe the knowledge that he's going to be an uncle would make him super excited! You never know. Perhaps telling him that way (Hey guess what?! You're going to be an uncle! or something of the like) would make it feel more like a personal accomplishment for him than saying it like, "H and I are going to have a baby!"

I dunno. Maybe? :-/

amccul20 · October 2013

I think you need to do what you feel most comfortable with. if you really think its not a good idea to tell him yet, and you don't think anyone else will spill the beans to him, then just wait.

BackseatDriver · October 2013

I think you might be overthinking things a bit. I would just tell him when you feel comfortable sharing the news. I think everyone has their own personal point when they feel comfortable sharing- right away, after the first ultrasound, after the first trimester, or whenever. If I were your brother I would not want you to keep me in the dark to spare my feelings while sharing the news with everyone else. Obviously I don't know your brother though.

FWIW I told my immediate family after the first ultrasound. They were very excited and happy. While they would have been sad for me if I had a miscarriage I don't think it would have impacted them nearly as much as it would have impacted me.

RockABye · October 2013

As an older sister who swore she'd be pregnant long before her brother/SIL yet whose brother just recently announced their pregnancy, please tell him. Be sensitive when you do it, and I'd say do it just when it's the two of you and not in front of others, but it would hurt SO much more if he heard it elsewhere.

Ayres12 · October 2013

I think you should also tell him now-ish, while everyone else is learning about the news. I think he would be happy for you and a PP had a good idea.. to make it exciting that he'll be an uncle. I wouldn't sweat it too much (:

brij2006 · October 2013

Now I feel like I really should tell him. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes, and I would be hurt if I heard it from someone else and not him. So I don't want there to be a chance he could have that happen. My parents said that they haven't said anything, but he works with my dad on a daily basis, and I know he's itching to be able to spill the beans.

I was just really hoping that I would be able to send him an ultrasound picture and put "Hi uncle Brent" on it. I think that would be the best way for him to take the news, and be excited about it.

amccul20 · October 2013

brij2006 said:
I was just really hoping that I would be able to send him an ultrasound picture and put "Hi uncle Brent" on it. I think that would be the best way for him to take the news, and be excited about it.

I think thats cute!

brij2006 · October 2013

@amccul20 That would mean waiting till 9 weeks though. So 2 more weeks of him not knowing, and my parents knowing and working with him on a daily basis.

Uptowngirl2009 · October 2013

I would go ahead and find a way to tell him now. He would probably be more hurt if he had to find out through someone else on accident. Your situation with your brother sounds a lot like mine with my brother. He is 8 years older than me but always says that I am the good child and he was the bad child. He has lots of issues too. I hope he will be happy for us when we decide to tell him!

brij2006 · October 2013

@uptowngirl2009 I'm sorry you have a sibling like this also. It definitely makes things very hard, because you want to have that "family" aspect with them but they distance themselves so much that it makes it very difficult.

islandmonkey8 · October 2013

My brother is 10 years older then me. He is manic-depressive, on and off user, alcoholic.... lives with my parents still. I would still tell him. If I had only told my parents and DH's parents I might wait. But once you tell one sibling... I think all should know. He will be happy for you. He might be sad for himself, but he will be happy for you. I'm sure he loves you very much and your happiness means worlds to him.

sgautschi · October 2013

I agree with others, announce by telling him he is going to be an uncle. Maybe give him something that says "#1 uncle" or something along those lines like a keychain, coffee mug, t-shirt, etc.

pistolpackinmomma · October 2013

I agree with telling him sooner rather than later. If your dad is itching to talk about it then there is a chance that anything could create a leak. My dad who is normally so good at keeping secrets told one of his friends right after we told them and told them not to tell because the friend asked my dad if I wanted any of his wine (I've been begging said friend to make me another batch of his sweet blueberry wine for YEARS) and my dad wasn't thinking and responded with probably not since I can't drink. Of course there was no way around telling at that point. Also, even if your dad later made the comment of "I'm so glad you know now because it was killing me not to tell you" then he might feel more like the last to know which might hurt his feelings even more. I would tell him soon to try to prevent any accidents.

AshleyMatt1215 · October 2013

Honestly, he's going to find out one way or another. It's best he hears it from you, he may be really hurt if he hears it from your parents.

IMO - I wouldn't text him a picture, I think that he deserves to be told by your voice.

brij2006 · October 2013

Slight Update.

TudorRose11 · October 2013

Good luck! Let us know how it goes

ream02 · October 2013

Best of luck! Enjoy your time with your brother and hopefully he's excited for you. His circumstances should not overshadow the fact that he is going to be a uncle.

brij2006 · October 2013

Updated.

sgautschi · October 2013

I'm so glad that you were able to tell him. It sounds like he is genuinely very happy for you, even if it's hard for him.

vitan · October 2013

Glad that you were able to tell but how do you feel about it? I'm sure he's happy for you but can understand how hard it is for him. it bums me out that he thinks this means he doesn't have his ish together and that it makes him an unfit role model. regardless, I hope for the day that he becomes an uncle and realizes that his happiness is the ultimate thing that any role model needs to exhibit to their niece/nephew.

brij2006 · October 2013

@vitan I'm mixed on how I feel about it. I'm happy that he finally knows, but it just hurts that he feels this way about himself. He's always been an alcoholic (DUI's, trouble with the law, etc), and I know he went to the bar after having dinner with the family last night. We had a long heart to heart about his life and what he does. It was a nice conversation, and I know it put some things into perspective for him. But I know he's down on himself about his current life situation and where he's at in life.

vitan · October 2013

((hugs))

When/How to tell. (Fully Updated)

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