Family Matters
greenhope
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Mother issues. Long
Hi everyone. I've never ventured to the nest before (I frequent the bump though) but my sister suggested I visit this board for some advice regarding my parents.
Forgive me if this is all over the place. I'm coming from a very emotional place.
Things with my parents have been very strained lately. Both are huge alcoholics and have been mine and my sisters whole lives. It was very very difficult growing up in that environment but thankfully my sister and I didn't follow suit and we both try to create loving environments for our own children.
Recently my DH, DS (2.5yr) and myself moved 1000 km north to be closer to my sister, pursue greater career opportunities and just live somewhere more affordable than the city. We were barely making ends meet where we were and had to ask for financial help to move. DH's parents were willing and able to help as were my parents. In total we borrowed $1500 from my parents to cover moving costs and other expenses. Both my parents were ecstatic we were moving close to my sister and my dad often explained he was there for us if we needed money while we got on our feet. My DH was quickly hired but the job site didn't start up for 6 weeks (he worked sporadically in that time 1-3 days/wk). We were living with my sister and doing our best to contribute (financially/house cleaning/ babysitting). A few weeks into staying with my sister I accepted one of my dads many offers to help out some more. He gave us $500 (part of the 1500). I caught wind my mother was extremely upset by this when she wouldn't help my dad email transfer the money. I should mention this loan is well with my parents means (and I of course understand they don't owe me they're money, my dad offered whole heartedly). I was very hurt that my mother was so angry with my dad. I am not a crack head trying to get my next hit. I am a mother who is desperate to help her family advance in life. The money was for bills and groceries, plain and simple. Things got sorted out by my mother sending me flowers ( never apologizing) and me just wanting to move on.
In August my parents planned to come visit me and my sister. Long story short my mother lied and tried to manipulate us by coming and visiting the only weekend that didn't work (sisters ILs were in town). They backed out of the visit (this happens repeatedly) and my sister was again so hurt they were doing this.
Things blow over and they say they are visiting in Sept. About a week before their visit I spoke to my mother 3 times over a few days. She was intoxicated each time and I had enough. The last time I quickly ended the conversation to avoid her. She then messaged me on Facebook. She said it seemed like I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. I replied that she was intoxicated and I didn't want to speak to her like that. CRAP HIT THE FAN!!! She cancelled the trip that night and my father un-booked his days off work. The days following where phone calls from my dad to me and my sister telling us we all (mother included) need to grow up and the like. He told me I should have lied and said my son needed me rather than say my mom was intoxicated. There were very hurtful conversations where my father denied they were drunk, asked how could I know they were drunk, asked what was so bad about them drinking while we grew up. It was absolutely awful. I was a mess for days.
My mother I guess realized she was in the wrong for cancelling the trip and acting like that and we all kind of made amends. They want to visit shortly. Me and my sister are avoiding those conversations because we are sick if their behaviour.
Fast forward to yesterday. I'm having strained conversation with my mother on the phone (still really upset with her for everything). She casually asks if we are putting my son in soccer. I say yes there's a program in the spring. She replied with "if you need help paying for DS's soccer, I can help. Im never giving you and DH money again but if DS needs sports I can help."
My jaw hit the floor and I quickly got off the phone. I think I'm just done with her. Just last week my dad was offering to help us again if we needed. FYI DH is work steadily, got a raise. Money is tight but we are making it and moving forward. Doing much better than we were down south. I am also starting a new job and worked over the summer.
I don't know what my mothers motives are. Like I said the money they loaned us was used to better our lives and improve our situation. We moved a 1000 km away from everyone we knew to a tiny town with possibilities. It wasn't easy but we are doing what we need to. She is so quick to offer help for an extra curricular but gets irrational if we need help for food. I clearly understand there is a difference in price. I don't understand why she says and does these hurtful things.
I need advice in what to do next. I have no desire to speak with her anytime soon. And I imagine my father will side with her and/or act like it's no big deal. I plan on seeking professional help (a counsellor) as her behaviour upsets me so much. I feel like cutting her out is really harsh but I don't care to converse with her anymore. I believe an attempt to speak with her about my feelings will be useless but am open to suggestions.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I appreciate all advice.
Forgive me if this is all over the place. I'm coming from a very emotional place.
Things with my parents have been very strained lately. Both are huge alcoholics and have been mine and my sisters whole lives. It was very very difficult growing up in that environment but thankfully my sister and I didn't follow suit and we both try to create loving environments for our own children.
Recently my DH, DS (2.5yr) and myself moved 1000 km north to be closer to my sister, pursue greater career opportunities and just live somewhere more affordable than the city. We were barely making ends meet where we were and had to ask for financial help to move. DH's parents were willing and able to help as were my parents. In total we borrowed $1500 from my parents to cover moving costs and other expenses. Both my parents were ecstatic we were moving close to my sister and my dad often explained he was there for us if we needed money while we got on our feet. My DH was quickly hired but the job site didn't start up for 6 weeks (he worked sporadically in that time 1-3 days/wk). We were living with my sister and doing our best to contribute (financially/house cleaning/ babysitting). A few weeks into staying with my sister I accepted one of my dads many offers to help out some more. He gave us $500 (part of the 1500). I caught wind my mother was extremely upset by this when she wouldn't help my dad email transfer the money. I should mention this loan is well with my parents means (and I of course understand they don't owe me they're money, my dad offered whole heartedly). I was very hurt that my mother was so angry with my dad. I am not a crack head trying to get my next hit. I am a mother who is desperate to help her family advance in life. The money was for bills and groceries, plain and simple. Things got sorted out by my mother sending me flowers ( never apologizing) and me just wanting to move on.
In August my parents planned to come visit me and my sister. Long story short my mother lied and tried to manipulate us by coming and visiting the only weekend that didn't work (sisters ILs were in town). They backed out of the visit (this happens repeatedly) and my sister was again so hurt they were doing this.
Things blow over and they say they are visiting in Sept. About a week before their visit I spoke to my mother 3 times over a few days. She was intoxicated each time and I had enough. The last time I quickly ended the conversation to avoid her. She then messaged me on Facebook. She said it seemed like I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. I replied that she was intoxicated and I didn't want to speak to her like that. CRAP HIT THE FAN!!! She cancelled the trip that night and my father un-booked his days off work. The days following where phone calls from my dad to me and my sister telling us we all (mother included) need to grow up and the like. He told me I should have lied and said my son needed me rather than say my mom was intoxicated. There were very hurtful conversations where my father denied they were drunk, asked how could I know they were drunk, asked what was so bad about them drinking while we grew up. It was absolutely awful. I was a mess for days.
My mother I guess realized she was in the wrong for cancelling the trip and acting like that and we all kind of made amends. They want to visit shortly. Me and my sister are avoiding those conversations because we are sick if their behaviour.
Fast forward to yesterday. I'm having strained conversation with my mother on the phone (still really upset with her for everything). She casually asks if we are putting my son in soccer. I say yes there's a program in the spring. She replied with "if you need help paying for DS's soccer, I can help. Im never giving you and DH money again but if DS needs sports I can help."
My jaw hit the floor and I quickly got off the phone. I think I'm just done with her. Just last week my dad was offering to help us again if we needed. FYI DH is work steadily, got a raise. Money is tight but we are making it and moving forward. Doing much better than we were down south. I am also starting a new job and worked over the summer.
I don't know what my mothers motives are. Like I said the money they loaned us was used to better our lives and improve our situation. We moved a 1000 km away from everyone we knew to a tiny town with possibilities. It wasn't easy but we are doing what we need to. She is so quick to offer help for an extra curricular but gets irrational if we need help for food. I clearly understand there is a difference in price. I don't understand why she says and does these hurtful things.
I need advice in what to do next. I have no desire to speak with her anytime soon. And I imagine my father will side with her and/or act like it's no big deal. I plan on seeking professional help (a counsellor) as her behaviour upsets me so much. I feel like cutting her out is really harsh but I don't care to converse with her anymore. I believe an attempt to speak with her about my feelings will be useless but am open to suggestions.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I appreciate all advice.
Re: Mother issues. Long
And you need it stat.
You needed it years ago, possilbly needed AlaTeen, as well.
As you can see, coping with a drunk -- or 2 drunks, in this case -- is no small feat and no picnic. By rights, you needed to cut them off and made it clear you were out of their lives until they cleaned up their acts -- aka clean and sober with the help of AA and/or a drug and alcohol counselor and an AA sponsor's help ---and could prove they were sober and clean for a good long while -- I suggest about a year.
Do what you need to do to repay the loans -- you and your H get second jobs and save like crazy. Pay back the money and get rid of ties to your parents. Do as I suggested: cut them off and tell them that you are doing so because they are drunks and you cannot cope with their drunken antics any longer.
"Mom, I love you and Dad but not the fact you are drunks. I am out of here until you both are clean and sober with the help of AA and/or a drug and alcohol counselor and an AA sponsor. If you can prove to me in the future you both are clean and sober for a good year. then we will be able to talk again. Until then, goodbye."
And then stick to your guns.
Answer no phone calls, no texts, no emails no snail mails -- do not get the door if rhey visit: CUT THEM OFF until they dry out with the help of AA --- and if they don't sober up with the help of AA, tough for them. You don't need the emotional manipulation -- drunks are great at that.
GL --- your situation sounds dicey.
Look into food banks and other resources for families who are financially stretched tight. Try your town's social services department for help.
Don't be over a barrel financially because your drunk parents are the only 2 who can provide money for your family and you. Bullshit --- this is living on pins and needles and walking on eggs. NO way for you and your H to live. Sorry for your troubles.
I just recently explored Al Anon and agree I need to go. I'm so so so emotional I think I would cry the whole time there. I really hope I can find the strength to go to a meeting. I hope a meeting could help me decide what to do. I have a very hard time seeing they're alcoholism as a disease (as media tells me it is). I feel like it's choices they are making.
I greatly appreciate the feedback. Thanks
Suppose something happens? Somebody is going to get the short end of the stick and because it's a family/friend deal, it will be much more severe.