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Help me out with DH
As many of you know.. DH used to chew, heavily. He quit right before his fertility testing. I knew he started back up when I was pregnant, but he lead me to believe he was only doing it once a week or so - basically when he would hang out with his friends that chew.
We've been kind of 'off' lately. So I brought this up to him Monday night. Well he came clean and said he was chewing again, multiple times a day, just never around me. I noticed he would run random errands on weekends, which he never used to do. In the back of my head I wondered - now I know that's what he was doing. He was lying about it.
It's really hard on me that with all we are going through right now, he'd want to chew. I just don't understand - but I don't have an addiction like that. He told me he was going to quit again. But then he throws out that he'll probably have to find different friends because a lot of them chew. Of course, that makes me feel bad.
I feel like I'm in a lose/lose situation. Either he quits, and hates life. Or he keeps doing it, and risks his life/our ability to have a baby.
I keep telling him that I hope he sticks with it, and when looking back he'll be glad he did. I just don't know. What would you guys do in this situation?
Right now he is going through the withdrawl stage. He's not sleeping. That just tells me how even though he didn't ever do it around me, he was still doing it quite a bit.
TTC since March 2012
BFP 3/14/13!!!
U/S 4/15: Identical twins!
Lost my angel boys at 10.5 weeks
My Chart***My TTC blog
Re: Help me out with DH
Ky, I definitely feel your "pain" and completely understand what you're going through.
DH was the same with with Cigarettes. I think I have mentioned it a couple of times before. I thought he had quit smoking a few years ago, and hadn't smoked since. Well, he had only quit smoking for a year and then picked up back up without me knowing. He smoked for basically 2 years without me knowing. He was smoking on our wedding day, and I had know clue. It kills me that he was lying to me for two years, and to me, there will always be that "trust" issue when it comes to smoking.
I believe I have also mentioned that DH smokes weed as well. I've always smoked it. I thought when we got his results back, he would quit both. He did quit the weed, but then we got into it last week, and he started smoking it again. I mentioned something to him last night about him still being mad at me because he was still smoking it. He said he needs to stop again.
However, during the couple of weeks we was not smoking the week, I never felt like I could trust him when he went over to his friends. I know they smoke, and in the back of my head, I just feel he'll sneak it in without me knowing. He needs to quit the cigs as well. He bought the electronic cigs, but he's still smoking the regular cigs.
Sorry, I'm rambling....but my point in all this is that I don't have an addiction either. To me, I think it should be easy to quit. Especially if it's been said to hurt your chances in having a kid. To me, if you want something bad enough (i.e. a child), you'd do everything in your power to make that happen. He throws it back at me that it's hard to quit.
I feel the same as you Ky. I feel like I'm at a lose lose situation. All his friends smoke. Most smoke cigs and weed. Some just smoke cigs. When he's hanging out with them, that's what they do. So, to me, I completely understand where you're coming from, and what you're feeling.
Sorry, I'm not help in the situation, because I'm not sure what to do either!
TTC since June 2012
H and I go out quite a bit. We have a lot of bartender friends and it's just turned into our lifestyle. However, we'll be trying for a kid soon, and I'm already tiring of the bar scene. I figure weaning off the bar scene is a way to segue into parenthood, you know? not going out? Anyway, H, I thought, was on board with all this. He drinks more than I do, but in the last month, we've both been pretty serious about a healthy lifestyle change, which includes drinking less. H travels a lot and he revealed to me that he'd been drinking A LOT on the road, like every night. I really thought it was maybe one night a week on the road, but it turns out it was like 4-5 beers every night. While I know he's not an alcoholic or anything, it still bugged me that he was hiding it from me. I didn't understand why he was so bored that going to a bar by himself was the answer. I am not in his shoes, obviously, but I honestly believe that I would never do that. It's just hard for me to understand why that would be enjoyable.
What does any of this mean? I guess that I get where you're coming from. I can understand why your H would feel like he needs to get new friends, but I think that's just his resistance talking. I mean, he's friends with them because they have other things in common rather than chewing, right? I can understand why he'd maybe want to avoid them for a while, but he shouldn't give up on his friendships because of that. Maybe he'll inspire them to quit! At some point, he will face the temptation -- it can't be avoided.
With H's drinking, the weeks he's here he goes out once a week to meet a friend for a beer. It's a lot less now than it used to be, but I'm already thinking of when I'm pregnant, am I going to hold it against him and get pissy about it? I might. Dreading that.
Sorry to babble. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't think you're crazy for feeling that way, it's understandable!
Since we're all telling our stories, here's mine. My DH smoked pot. When we first got together, he didn't, but obviously said he had done it in his younger day as a teen or in his early 20s. Because he had moved to our city just before we met, he didn't have a ton of friends here, didn't have anyone to buy from, etc. so he wasn't doing it. But he got a new job shortly after we moved in together and some people there smoked and he started doing it again. At first he hid it from me, but as soon as I found out, I was upset. Mostly about the lying and as others have touched on, there was some major trust issues. After a lot of conversations and such, we finally settled on a compromise - he smoked, but only once in awhile for fun (like if he was having some friends over or if he had a bad day at work). But, fast forward a few years later and he was smoking a lot more often.
It all came to a head one day when he went over to a friend's after work and I called him saying I needed our credit card right away. So he drove home with his friend to give it to me. Well lo and behold, he had been smoking and was driving of course, so I was livid. Full on, take away the car keys, kick his friend out of the car and make him take the bus home, crying emotional crazy. Not only is that extremely dangerous, but they had pot stuff in the car and if he had been pulled over, s*** would have hit the fan.
After that he finally confessed that he had been smoking several times a week, often doing it on his work breaks, sometimes even going over to his friend's house, doing it on his break and then driving back to work.
But basically that was his rock bottom. I gave him an ultimatum, which I don't necessarily recommend but I was definitely at that point - if he smokes again we're through. And he knew that he couldn't do it anymore. He finally said he was ready to quit.
So we threw out all his stuff, and his friend at work was so mad about being kicked out and the whole thing that they stopped being friends anyway. And I took away his debit card (or rather, he gave it to me) so he couldn't get cash out of the bank.
Anyway, that's a very long story, but I guess from this and the others you can see that you're not alone. Honestly I don't know what could help you with your specific situation, but I do have to say that for my DH he needed to hit rock bottom and to really understand how completely stupid it was and how he was acting.
He said that what helped him was to not always talk about it as when I asked about it or asked how he was doing, he was reminded of this thing he wants and then he wanted it more. And I think it was good for him to have someone supporting him if he slipped up.
OH, and what might have really helped is that shortly after this all happened, we went away for to his parent's cottage where he COULDN'T smoke and that I think helped to get him through those rough first days.
And now I'm rambling, but hopefully something in there helps...
Since it seems several of us have had these problems...how do you get past it? I really struggle at trusting DH now. I honestly feel like I was lied to for 2 years. It's hard to trust him when it comes to quitting and such. I mean, he would point blank lie to me if I asked him if he was smoking. It took some cleverness/sneakiness on my part to actually catch him smoking.I just assume if he's with his friends, he's smoking and hiding it from me. I don't know if it's true or not.
TTC since June 2012
It's all about honesty. And he will have to want to stop on his own. It sounds like the more you "force" him to stop the worse it is. Turning this into a bit of a vicious cycle. I'm not much help because my experience is nothing like all of yours.
The first time I found out DH smoked I was mad over him hiding it from me. When he wanted to start smoking again due to stress he told me and all I said back was 'you know I don't like it but it's ok. Thank you for being honest.' I reminded him many times my dislike for him smoking and always supported him. I would buy him cigarettes if he was out and help him try to quit many times (it was always because he wanted to stop but it never worked). He finally quit on his own one day. We both have been much happier. He does very occasionally smoke a cigar (I'm ok with this). But he never finishes them because they are just to big.
I do know that DH has to do things on his time. He stopped drinking nothing but Dr. Pepper and switched to water because he wanted to. That one threw everyone for a loop because he was the Dr. Pepper guy. Now that he is having problems with his teeth (really bad cavities) he says he's no longer eating sweets (Popsicles, cookies, etc.) or drinking any soda. That's just who he is. I can't change him.
Maybe stress the honesty part for now. That seems to be the bigger issue. Why would he want to lie for so long? Why not be honest to you? That's worse then the other stuff at the moment.
On that note I'm pro marijuana/ hemp/ hemp oil. I think it's a wonderful thing if not misused.
Yeah, the honesty part is what's getting me right now. We talked again last night and I explained how hurt I was that he was lying about it for months. Not just hiding it, flat out lying about it. I had suspisions, and would ask him - he'd always say he wasn't. I asked him to agree that he would be honest with me about it, and his comment, "Well if I'm going to lie about chewing I'm going to lie about this."
Gee, thanks. That sure helps.
He's having a rough withdraw right now. So I'm hoping it's just his bad attitude talking. From all I've read quitting chew is a lot harding than quitting smoking. I just hope we can get through this. He's in a crappy mood (although, he did apologize for it last night) and he's not sleeping.
In a way I'm glad I'm not the only one going through something like this.. but then again it sucks that so many of us are going through it!
TTC since March 2012
BFP 3/14/13!!!
U/S 4/15: Identical twins!
Lost my angel boys at 10.5 weeks
My Chart***My TTC blog
I hope the withdrawal symptoms start getting better soon.
He had quit last September. Then I found out through his friends girlfriend in April he had chewed at a softball practice. At that point I was pregnant, so he probably figured he could kind of go back to it. I think starting up softball was what caused him to go back to it almost full time. He said he didn't tell me about it because he knew I would be upset.
I asked him if he was able to only do it about once a week, or when he was hanging out with his friends.. but he said no. It's all or none.
I know this is way harder on him, but I'm a mess of emotions. I don't know if I should be happy or sad or mad.
TTC since March 2012
BFP 3/14/13!!!
U/S 4/15: Identical twins!
Lost my angel boys at 10.5 weeks
My Chart***My TTC blog
This is exactly what DH told me. He didn't want to tell me he was smoking cigs again because he knew I would be upset. Yeah, I won't lie, I would have been. But now, you lied to me for 2 years, and I seem to question you all the time now.
TTC since June 2012
Yeah, he realized just how stupid it was. The crazy part is DH is so freakin' smart otherwise, so I was mostly just shocked that he would be so stupid. I had always told him before that if he could enjoy it in moderation I was fine with it (well, honestly not FINE, but I'd accept it). But he just can't do it once in awhile. So I think with him it's all or nothing.
Awe. It was just bad judgement causing the goof. As bad as it was I bet it was more forgivable then if it was a recurring thing. Sometimes people just mess up horribly once or twice in their lives. At least it's better now.
Happy 2 yr or almost 2 yr anniversary to everyone.
I've been lurking on the board, though I don't post very often. But this one hit close to home, so figured I'd add my story so we can all see how common this is! (Your posts made me feel better, too).
Smoking was a huge issues between DH and I for almost our entire relationship. He told me on our first date that he was planning on quitting and that was 5 years ago! He has quit for up to 6 months at a time, but always goes back (which drives me insane, because really?!?! the hardest part is over!). He knows that I absolutely abhor smoking and most days I still can't believe I married a smoker, I thought it was a deal breaker for me! But you can't choose who you fall in love with... but I hate it so much that I have never even seen him smoke a cig, though he does many times a day. He always leaves the house/property and I am happy to keep it that way. As soon as he comes back (if I am home, sincely doubt he does this when I am away!) he will go right into bathroom and wash face and hands, brush teeth - it is amazing how much that helps!
This has been the single toughest thing in our relationship, but I had an epiphany of sorts in the spring. I was reading some threads on another website about a woman at the end of her rope regarding her BFs smoking. Lots of comments were "well, kick him to the curb then!" but all the smokers that weighed in, esp those that had successfully quit, kept repeating the same thing - they couldn't quit until they were really ready to do so. They explained how even thinking about horrible diseases that may befall them, that they might die before their kids were grown, that they would be a burden for someone to take care of them when they got sick was not enough to quit, even though it seems it would! The addiction was so strong that it just did not matter. Something about this really clicked for me.
I realized that I made the decision to marry a smoker. If it was that big of an issue for me, I should not have said "for better or worse", I should have walked away. I do still believe that he will one day quit, but I realized that I was def guilty of the whole "doing the same thing and expecting different results" in that I was continuing to pick fights with him and thinking that would make him realize how serious it is to me and that it would spur him to quit. Newsflash, it never worked!
So I took a new tact where I apologized for creating a situation where he felt he had to hide it and told him that although I still hate it and hope he quits, that I was done fighting about it. This seemed to really help and we have been able to discuss it rationally without arguing for months. He is still smoking, but I feel the tension between us is gone. And now I figure, if the worse happens and he gets cancer, etc when we get older, at least we will have had decades of happiness instead of decades of fighting. One of my friends thinks this is a surrender/give up type mentality, but I really believe he is only going to quit when he is ready and that I might as well be supportive instead of acting like a bat out of hell.
Before the "epiphany" , he has gone back to smoking on multiple occasions after quitting before I figured it out and hid it from me. He never lied when I asked him straight out, but judging by the posts on this thread, I think it must be pretty common that people hide it. For him, he knew it would spark a huge fight and he was also ashamed. I think he preferred living in denial as long as possible each time! Looking back on it, though I hate to think of him hiding things from me, I don't take it that personally or that it says something terrible about our relationship. I think it was just we had both created this toxic environment on this topic and I am proud that we have been able to work our way past that.
We don't plan on having kids, so I am sorry that I can't offer more suggestions on that, but as far as I can tell from smokers (and from reading a lot about the neural pathways that addiction creates) it is terribly hard to quit and they just have to do it when they are ready. Good luck to you!
It always amazes me how all our experiences and situations are different but very similar.