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need advice: Brother having a destination wedding
I have a very bumpy relationship with my Mother and Brother; I honestly think they both share a similar undiagnosed psychosis. I am super happily married and they hate him. My brother is getting married in February on Valentine’s day in Hawaii. We are in the process of building a house and be relocated to Florida in January, this process has been going on for the last 2 years and we have been saving every dime for a large down payment so we have a comfortable mortgage payment because our plans are to cut our incomes almost in half by me staying home to start a family. As you may know either way it will be very expensive to furnish and get window dressing and needed appliances so funds will be very tight for the 1st year. I cannot seem to make sense to cut out the $3-5K it is needed to be at the wedding. This wedding is tearing our family apart even more because barely any members can afford to go and because both my husband and I have steady well-paying jobs they expect me to go and my mother and brother are now being even worse. I want to see her family and get to know my new sister in law but I feel not going to the wedding will ruin that completely as they want me to be a bridesmaid. I hate to make a monetary decision outweigh a family event but I also am bitter that they won’t even consider throwing something small and local for the rest of the family. Please help!!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Re: need advice: Brother having a destination wedding
When anyone, ANYONE, makes the choice to have a DW, they have to do so knowing that some people - even family - won't be able to come.
I find it inherently selfish to have a DW wedding that is going to cost your guests $$$$$ and then you get MAD when they can't come. To expect people to drop that kind of money so that you can have your extra special "dream" wedding is just rude to me, to be perfectly honest.
If it was THAT IMPORTANT that you (and others) come, they wouldn't have their wedding in Hawaii.
All that being said - you do have to balance this against the fact that you know they'll be mad and yes, this actually probably will have an impact on your relationship w/ your FSIL.
However, at the same time, what kind of relationship do you really expect the 2 of you will have? It doesn't sound like you're close to your brother - and where do you all live in relation to one another? What's the chances that you're actually really going to get to know his FI and really develop a relationship?
I'm not saying use that as a reason to not go - but more to make YOU be realistic in your expectations. What if you go, drop all that money, meet her family - and all that comes out of it is tha tyou've met them and that's it? You don't "get to know her" and afterwards you actually don't have much to do w/ her?
This is all stuff you have to weigh and figure out.
IF you do decide to not go, my biggest piece of advice is to simply say "It's not in our budget". Period. Do NOT explain, do not detail out a list of where you're money is going. It's none of their business, and you KNOW they'll look for and poke holes in any arguement you give them.
You just say "it's not in our budget" and when they get pissed, you just say "I understand you're mad. I'm sad we'll miss it.". PERIOD.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you So much guys, sometimes your head gets it, but your heart needs a bunch of strangers online to tell you whats up
If you really feel bad about not going, just send them a nice card with a gift and call it a day.
But considering you don't have the best relationship with them to begin with, why feel guilty at all?
It will cost even the most affluent guest a good chunk of change to attend the event.
Sorry about your troubles; the happy couple either doesn't get it that not everyone will be able to go --- heck, probably MOST of everyone will not attend --- or they don't care how it affects the guest list.
If they wish you to be a BM, they should pay for your airfare and lodging. That's my take on it.
I agree with the poster who said to just tell them it isn't in your budget. End of story.
I HATE DESTINATION WEDDINGS!
I don't mind them so much, but it depends on the people involved, how much notice I have so I can properly plan, and if it is within my budget. DW are a good excuse to get out of town for a few days and turn into a mini-vaca IF you are able to do so (and if you even want to go).
We actually were invited to a DW and we literally got the invitation 2 days ago. We knew it was going to be a DW, just didn't know the exact date. The wedding is - no lie - in 2 weeks - in ARUBA! I absolutely love Aruba, don't get me wrong, but you can't give people 2 weeks notice and expect them to come. Oh, and ps - the ceremony is on a Monday. We went to this couple's engagement party though, so I don't feel too bad about skipping the wedding. We just can't do it on such short notice, even though this is a very old dear friend of my H's, it simply is not possible.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Normally I would agree with this, but given the people involved, this is very normal for them (unorganized/last minute/etc). If it was anyone else though, I would say yes, you are right...lol
I mean, the guy called my H and asked him if we were going to come and that he would be really sad if we weren't there. This is someone my H has known his whole life - he's just a very last minute kind of person. Had we known more in advance about the date of the wedding, then maybe we would have gone because we would have more time to plan and figure out finances for the trip. I love Aruba and would love to go back again. We were actually there last year for another DW wedding and our 4 day trip turned into 10 days thanks to Hurricane Sandy. Doh!
Unrelated - We went to Aruba for our honeymoon. 2 weeks. It was wonderful.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh believe me, I'm definitely with you on that one. This is the same couple who had their engagement party and sent out the invites literally 2-3 weeks before the event. Similar situation too where we had to travel for that. It was at a winery about 2 hours from our house, so not that bad, although it was high season so no hotels for under $400 a night/minumum 2 night stay. Luckily the event was close to another friend of ours, so that friend let us crash out at his place so we wouldn't have to worry about drinking and driving home. I posted about that here when we got the invite though screaming 'who does this???'
....
And yes, Aruba - amazing. Definitely want to go back sometime in the future...mi dushi