At what point do you tell?

R.Wilsonny · October 2013

I'm just curious about this:

For those who are trying, have you told people?

For those who have had a BFP - at what point do you start telling people? Do you wait until the 12 week mark or do you tell sooner?

For those who have suffered a loss - do you tell anyone or do you keep that between you and your spouse?

For those who are having some difficulties in your journey - do you tell anyone (outside of venting on this board) or do you keep it between you and your spouse?

So far, my H and I haven't really told anyone much about our journey, except for maybe a few friends in our 'inner' inner circle. I broke down and told my mother that we were having some difficulties, but she's my mom, and it was a situation where I needed my mom. She's been cool about it, hasn't pried or asked anything since, just let me know that she's there if I need to talk or vent. My H's parents know nothing, or if they do, they haven't asked, which I'm surprised considering they are always up in our business about everything else. My BIL and his wife I think know something, although to what extent, I'm not sure because we haven't said much to them. They are TTC too and have told everyone they are (because they like all the attention). Honestly, I'm trying to keep my distance because everything for them is like some competition and I just don't want any part of it. It's getting to the point now though where my SIL is texting me non-stop about her 'stuff' and I know this is going to make me sound like a real jerk, but I just don't even want to hear about it from her. If you guys knew her and my BIL you would understand why I feel this way.

Anyway, what about you all? Do people know about your 'journey'?

ILoveRedVino · October 2013

I'm three years in and have done IVF twice. My parents know and some close friends, but that's it. Having trouble conceiving isn't something that I want to share.

I did have a late loss, so everyone in my little world knows about that. I announced pregnancy at 13 weeks.

fajita814 · October 2013

I started telling people a year or so after starting TTC. I think my mom knew ahead of that. I needed my friends through our IF struggles, so I started slowly starting to tell them. They knew something was up anyways, so it helped to get it out in the open. After 3+ years of TTC we are moving on to adoption. I would be very suprised if anyone in my life didn't know about our IF/adoption plan at this point.

transponster · October 2013

The only people who know we are TTC are a few of our friends. The only person who knows I'm having trouble TTC is my cousin, who is also my best friend. I don't know if I'm going to tell anyone else about it.

iwalktheline · October 2013

We decided to tell our parents that we were trying/having some difficulties when we started having tests done and were going to start medical interventions. We told a few very close friends about it a few months/failed clomid attempts after that.

When we started going through our first injects/IUI cycle, I told my boss and coworkers. I figured with needing to miss a few days here and there due to the unpredictability of IF treatment, there would be questions anyway.

I "outed" our IF struggles on fb last April during NIAW. I'm really glad I did too.

(PR) we told our parents really early. I would have liked to wait, but since we conceived via IVF, everyone knew when we were having our betas drawn. We wanted to have the "surprise factor", and wanted to tell in person, so we basically told before the strip was dry. It helped that it was Mother's Day weekend as weekend. We then told our best friends as well. We waited almost until the 12 week mark to announce on FB though.

LooneyLife · October 2013

Over the past 2 1/2 years my answer would change. It went from no one, to a few people, to not everyone but many more people. When the situation warranted it or I really needed to vent, I'd tell someone else. I feel less and less like hiding but I also don't need everyone in the world to know the status of my ute.

cinderin · October 2013

we didn't tell anyone we were TTC. We did tell close friends (two BFFs) that we were going to TTC soon.

We told close friends (BBFs) about the BFP within about a couple weeks. We told family at about 9 weeks because we wanted to surprise them on Christmas, We told FB at about 14 weeks, after our NT scan.

zamboni00 · October 2013

(I just realized this got really long... ) TLDR: We haven't gone around shouting from the rooftops, but we also never hid the fact that we would be TTC right after the wedding. A year and a half later, anyone who wanted to could easily figure out that we're having trouble. That said, I don't think many people really have given it much thought, except those who are also having trouble, or have previously had trouble. And I'm happy to have them know, for support, etc.

I think anyone who has ever met has known I have always wanted children. The fact that I met H just before my 30th (and his 28th) birthday probably made it clear that we wouldn't wait long before trying. We got married a year and a half go (at 33 and 31), and so I'm sure anyone who has given it any thought has figured out that we're having trouble by now.

I am very close with my mother, and I have mentioned our upcoming appointment to her. My brother and SIL know, because she and I are a month apart in age, and they were married 5 months before us. We talked about TTC and how much fun it would be to have babies together (wishful thinking, as their son was born in Sept).

But again, just because they have all the clues in front of them (we've been TTC for a year and a half, I've made an appointment, I skipped out on a baby shower) doesn't mean they have put it all together. And even if they have thought about it, and figured out that we're having trouble, it certainly doesn't mean that they know the emotional aspect.

I've mentioned before that I have one friend- her H and I have been very close friends since 16- who is also having difficulties. She pretty much figured me out through a conversation her H had with my mom, and it's been nice to have her to talk to. We have our first appointments at the same RE (different doctors) on the same day.

I just learned of one other person who knows... H's older sister called him last week, and during the course of conversation, he mentioned that he had a doctor's appointment coming up. I guess she figured it out from that. She told him that she and her H had trouble, also. I am pretty sure this will mean his whole family will know soon enough. I'm okay with that. They are loving and supportive, and are generally not overbearing.

LuckyAngel07 · October 2013

(Sorry, this got longer than I intended!)

When we started, we didn't really tell anyone. I let my sister know shortly after ditching my BC, let slip to another friend a couple of months later that I wasn't on BC anymore, and casually mentioned that October (3 months in) to my 3 best friends from college that we were letting nature take its course. I never said anything to my parents or DH's.

In June, my friend (who got married a year ago) and I spent a couple of hours in the car together driving up to NY to visit another friend for the weekend. We got on the topic of TTC, because she and her husband had started trying in April. She was frustrated because it hadn't happened right away (giant eyeroll). I told her she had plenty of time and that it can take a few months, meanwhile I'd just had my ute violated via HSG.

DH apparently was discussing needing to have his SA done while in the car with my BIL and dad back in July, so my dad and stepmom have a general idea now that we've been trying unsuccessfully. I haven't discussed DH's SA results with them yet, though. I have no idea if DH has talked to his parents at all or any other friends.

I've just started filling my very close friends in on our struggles, especially since the one mentioned above got her BFP less than a month after our weekend together. They don't have details (ie, know DH's MFI), but I need them to know what I'm going through emotionally.

seahorse01 · October 2013

Ours evolved as well. We started with nobody, then when we had to do iui we told family and some friends. More people knew about ivf, so a lot knew when we got positive betas and saw a heartbeat (boss, family, friends), so then they knew when we lost her. Now almost everybody knows not to ask me about anything anymore.

sparklingdiamond · October 2013

My family and a few close friends knew we were having trouble. A couple of DHs family members too. I pretty much told my parents everything we were going through because they were great for support. I just didnt want the whole world knowing. The longer it took, the more people I ended up telling though.

(PR). I told my family and DH told his family right away. I told some friends a few weeks later. We plan to tell everyone else this week at the 12 week mark.

PandPMeant2B · October 2013

We were really open about the fact that were were going to start TTC right after the wedding. It was no secret since DH is in his 40's and already has a 12 y/o son. Now that we're three months out, I am getting questions from some friends when we go out, like, "Are you sure you should be drinking?" "Is that water or vodka?" and one even said, "I though you were trying to get pregnant." My response was, "It's only been a few months; not everyone can think about getting pregnant and, POOF! be KTFU. It might not be as easy for us as it was for you."

I do have an amazing family and a few close friends who don't mention it at all unless we bring it up (which is hardly ever). Two of my good friends had TTTC, so they like to "check in" on us and show their support. I don't want them to think I don't want it, but I would never minimize the struggles they went through by crying woe is me after only three cycles. It's nice to know they're there, though.

nfp147 · October 2013

We were 35 and 38 when we got married, so if people didn't know we were TTC I'm sure they assumed. We've kept our family and friends (and anyone nosey enough to ask) in the loop about our testing and IUI. We told my family last week that we've decided to stop trying and DH needs to tell his family, but generally needs a little nagging to get shit done. My close girlfriends know too.

I'm honestly a bit more hesitant to tell people that we're no longer TTC because I know some people will judge or try to talk us out of it.

BruinsBabe33 · October 2013

It was no secret that We were going to start trying right away. We actually started trying before the wedding. We have been very open about our journey.

When I got my BFP we waited until the second betas to tell immediate family and then we waited until after the N/T scan to tell our extended families and friends/Facebook.

Uptowngirl2009 · October 2013

We told people we were trying after about a year with no luck. I am a pretty open and honest person and I felt like people around us were judging us for not having kids yet (mainly those in DHs family). I keep a TTC blog and so I used that to help tell people.

(PR) so far since getting my BFP we've only told my parents. I know they are able to keep it a secret. If we have our first ultrasound before thanksgiving we plan to tell the rest of the world then. I will be about 9-10 weeks by then so I will feel pretty comfortable telling.

amccul20 · October 2013

When my husband and I started TTC I told my internet friends and my older sister. Other than that we didn't tell anyone. I didn't feel that it was anyones business and I didn't want people constantly wondering if I was pregnant.

We finally told my IL's of our struggles after a year and a half of trying because we had decided to move forward with IVF and my husband works for the family business and so he was going to need to be out quite a bit for doctors appointments.

I never told work specifically what I was going through, just that I had a health issue I was dealing with and that may require me to miss some work.

I am currently pregnant and it took 22 months and a miracle to get here. We haven't told many people, just a very limited number of our immediate family. we haven't told friends yet but will probably out ourselves after our NT scan. FB will know when it knows, I don't plan on making an announcement.

brij2006 · October 2013

We didn't tell anyone that we were NNT for about 6 months. Then when we fully started TTC (after the PCOS diagnosis) we told a couple of close friends that I have issues and it would be difficult for us to conceive. Only my BFF knew about us doing the round of Clomid, and she was also the first person to know about the positive test (besides DH of course).

PR: We told my BFF the day after our BFP, then we told both of our parents at 5 weeks. We gradually started telling very close friends a couple of weeks ago, and I did end up telling my bosses last week (at 7 weeks). We plan to tell everyone else at Thanksgiving (about 13 weeks). It likely won't be posted on FB till after Christmas (17 weeks).

LR: When we had our loss over a year ago, we didn't tell anyone. I had missed a few BCP's a couple of months before our wedding, and that's when we got pregnant. We M/C'd right before 5 weeks. We told nobody about our pregnancy or our loss. Then a couple of months after the wedding I told one of my close friends, and I have since told 2 other friends. H has told nobody, and our parents still don't know.

We've decided that if this pregnancy were to end in a loss, then we will put it out in the open this time. We will post it on FB, make my blog public and share it with people, and make people aware that IF and loss is something that can happen.

ljraff29 · October 2013

Since I just stopped BCP in Sept. we haven't really told too many people. My mom, sister and 3 aunts know that I stopped preventing. I'm really close with all of them, so I felt comfortable that way. My SIL knows we stopped preventing, but doesn't know that we're kind of trying. She had trouble with her first, so I think she'd understand if it took us awhile. Regardless I'm not that close with her so she wouldn't be someone I would confide in. My sister blabbed to my dad that I stopped BCP, so now he knows. My close friend at work (who lent me TCOYF) knows. In-laws ask all the time, but I don't think they know too much. DH doesn't really share too much with them.

If/When we get our BFP, we might tell our family before 12 weeks, but I want to wait until after blood work before telling them. We'll see though we might be too excited not to. I'd like to wait to tell the world until after 12 weeks, just to be safe. Two of my aunts had losses when TTC (they both have kids now), so I just want to be careful about telling the universe.

Aimothy · October 2013

We didn't tell our parents until after the year mark when we had been to the doctor and found out there were problems. Most of our close friends knew we were trying, but we were very much, "not not trying" and weren't worried (ha. little did we know.) about when it would happen.

After we got our MFI diagnosis, I started blogging about everything and did not hold back telling people if they asked when we were having children. I don't believe it helps anyone to keep the struggles just between a couple. People will never learn how to handle/deal with infertility if it's never spoken about. But again, just MY opinion. I think there is a way to educate and spread awareness that it's not just about relaxing and praying to have a baby. Of course, I've also learned which people I can be more candid with and which people I just have to smile and nod after stating we are struggling with our fertility.

islandmonkey8 · October 2013

For the first few months we told no one. Then in July when it got to the point that we needed to go to the RE, we told 5 of our closest friends because we knew we'd need other people to lend an ear and cheer us up.

We plan on having our parents over for dinner and telling them together but asking that they don't share with anyone else. We don't like keeping this secret from them. And it'll help explain to them why we've both been so stressed and down more often lately.

If we weren't having trouble I don't think we would have told anyone yet.

RockABye · October 2013

We told a couple VERY close friends after 2 years. We told our parents after I think 3 years of T-TTC.

I haven't had a bfp yet, but I've always said we'll tell immediate family and 2 close friends at around 5-6 weeks and everyone else at 3 months. The only exception would be if there was a holiday/birthday, we might tell early/later so as to use the holiday. Who knows though.

I haven't had a loss, but if I did, we would most likely tell our parents and the 2 close friends and that's it. I'd want their support. Plus, the 2 friends have both had losses so they could help me figure out how to cope.

After almost 5 years, you lose most of the secrecy. For us, it's kind of obvious... we've always said we wanted a lot of kids and sooner rather than later so it was never a question. Now that we've been married almost 9 years and we're in our 30's, it's kind of a dead giveaway that something is most likely going on. Of course there's people in our stage who aren't ready yet and that's fine, but it's pretty obvious to our family and friends. We just quit "hiding it" and we're quite open about our struggle, though we haven't given the dirty details to everyone.. just people we trust get that information. Mostly family and some close friends know the protocols. Everyone else gets the standard answer of "It doesn't come easy for everyone. We really want kids and have put in the order, but apparently they're on backorder or out of stock at the moment.".

BioGirl21 · October 2013

When we started TTC I told a couple close friends. As time progressed, I told more people, generally when drunk or when people would ask if we were planning on having kids. I didn't want to broadcast our TTTC but I also wanted to make people aware that it isn't easy for everyone. In April for NIAW I posted on Facebook but I'm not so sure everyone understood why I was posting about IF.

I somehow, amazingly, got pregnant after 20 months. I told one person the day I got my positive because she was one of the people I had cried to the most. I told a few more people that I had told of our issues as the weeks passed. We told our parents at 8 weeks and announced on Facebook at 13 weeks.

Having a couple people I could talk to as time progressed was really important to me. Sometimes it felt like my husband just didn't understand, although he did later say it was hard on him, he just never shared. It really just depends on what you want.

Sewilson33 · October 2013

We started off not telling anyone at all. By our 9th month I had told my sister and my sister in law. My SIL had TTTC and it took her 2 years to get PG. She is now my go to person for everything. My Father at this point just knows, bc he is smart haha. My Mom still thinks I'm on BCP and I haven't said a word to my IL's.

I won't tell our families until I am past 8 weeks. DH wants to wait until 12 weeks but I don't think I can go 12 weeks without letting people in on our secret.

LittleLady77 · October 2013

***PR***

We tried for 3 years. I didn't tell anyone the first year, not even my parents. On the second year I started to tell a few close friends but that was it. Once I was diagnoses with DOR at the beginning of year 3 and we signed up to film a show about it we started being much more open. We didn't post it on FB or wear T shirts that said "trouble" on them or anything but if people asked rude questions we would give them honest, equally awkward answers. Once we had success we just decided to be open about it as a couple and try to shed some light on the world of infertility. I don't think I was strong enough to take that stance before we got our BFP, infertility is exceptionally difficult.

Once I had success I told my family right away and we told friends and work at about 11 weeks. I still haven't posted on FB but I might after the anatomy scan at 18 weeks.

ecinereb · October 2013

It wasn't a big secret that we both wanted kids and my family and close friends knew we were TTC. We've been pretty open with people about our journey. I also posted on FB during NIAW. I don't feel like it's something to hide and it's surprising when you share how many other people open up to you about their own journeys. Most people in our lives know about our loss as well.

PR - a few close friends and my parents knew pretty much right away. DH told his parents at 8 weeks, I told work this past week at 10 weeks. We'll tell everyone else in the next couple weeks as we see them/talk to them but won't go public on FB for a while longer.

Flamingo86 · October 2013

My best friend was the only person I know who knew we were TTC when we started. We were lucky to get a BFP the first cycle trying. We told very few people. Mostly just our parents and very close friends. Unfortunately we lost that pregnancy.

Now we are pretty open about our struggles and plans to adopt. We don't flaunt it, but if the topic arises we don't hesitate to share.

Xan921 · October 2013

Our best friends and Dh's brother and SIL know everything. I've also recently told my boss because I'll need time off for several appointments in the next few weeks and thought it'd be better just to be honest with her (we're pretty close). Other than that everyone else, including our family, thinks we're just not preventing, they don't know that we're actively trying and seeking medical help.

poppies717 · October 2013

I did a 180 with how I felt about it. I always thought it was weird when people would say they were trying. I could only think how weird it was that they were telling me they were having a lot of unprotected sex.

100% of the people who have casually mentioned they were trying all got pregnant very quickly.

For us, it was a slow progression. No one knew for about 6 months, then my sister knew and a few close friends. My parents found out at about 9 months (deep down I knew something was wrong and I broke down). ILs found out around 10 months in. Now that we're creeping up to the two year anniversary, I think more and more have figured it out. Like @Aimothy, I feel a certain responsibility to educate people. I certainly do not hide it, and I will tell people when I am comfortable telling them.

Once we do get our BFP and are able to announce, my parents will know before the stick is dry. DH's parents will know shortly after. Our siblings will know pretty quickly, too. The world will know when we're ready. I have gone back and forth over doing a FB announcement, but I don't feel like that experience should be robbed from us because of our journey. We will come out with our struggles when we announce a BFP on FB. (Right now I'm thinking along the lines of "After an emotionally and physically difficult 2-year journey, DH and I are so excited to announce...")

lindsayandjamie · October 2013

With my son we only told people about my PCOS and our difficulty conceiving after I was pregnant, so a year. We told our immediate families and friends within the first few weeks. The rest of the world found out around 14w. This last pregnancy was the same, only told close family and friends, and were planning on waiting until a healthy NT scan. With the loss, we had to untell those who knew, but considering the partial molar diagnosis, I'm glad I have everyone's understanding and support. And now more people know about the loss than knew I was pregnant. Next time, I won't tell anyone until we see a healthy baby on an ultrasound (hopefully by 7-8w). Then only close fam and friends. We may wait even longer, who knows.

DangerMuffin23 · October 2013

Everyone knew we were ttc as soon as the ink was dry on the marriage certificate. I was 29 and DH was 32. It's now been over a year, almost a year and a half. I've been pretty open with close friends that we've started seeing a fertility doctor (I'm a very open person and have done all I can to educate anyone who is open to it). Now that my BFF got pregnant after less than one cycle I don't feel like I want to discuss it with her further. It makes me too angry and I don't want their pity. Unfortunately since wee are dealing with mfi DH is adamant about not telling anyone else further which has been hard because they all knew we were testing. So essentially I have to lie now. Neither family knows anything at all. I've actually been actively avoiding mine because while their questions and advice are well meant, they are annoying as hell and I'm at the end of my rope with patience and am afraid I'll say something snarky.

Mustard76 · October 2013

We have only been trying a very short period of time. I told my cousin and one of my closest friends last time we went home to visit. But it was more of a "we might try soon."

At what point do you tell?

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