Family Matters
MEJOHNSO
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Vow Renewal Etiquette
DH and I are approaching our five year wedding anniversary and have always said at some point we wanted to do a vow renewal ceremony. I originally thought that would be for 10 years, but we have had a very rough year (not in our relationship, but through circumstances we have dealt with a lot this year--family drama, TTC woes, etc) and are sort of feeling like we want to celebrate that our love has stayed strong through all of that. The problem is that our anniversary is in February and DH's brother just got married in September and DH's sister is getting married in June. So I don't want to take attention away from those events by inviting people to our vow renewal. One thought we had was to take a cruise and do a vow renewal at sea or at a destination with just the two of us, but then I sort of think our parents would be a little offended we didn't invite them, but like I said, I don't want it to see like I'm just being attention seeking. What do you all think?
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Re: Vow Renewal Etiquette
Go on a cruise and do it w/ just the two of you. This isn't an event for people to be "offended" over. You want to celebrate that your love stayed strong? That's a TWO PERSON event.
I really, really, really don't like the idea of vow renewals. Maybe at the 25+ mark I could MAYBE roll with it.
But 5 years? No. This is NOT an event to throw where you invite other people. It's totally AWish. you had a hard year - I get it. But you know what? That's called "life". It doesn't mean "throw a party where all the attention is on us AND people will feel they need to bring a gift" (because they WILL).
Sorry for your troubles. If you feel like a vow renewal is something you want to do, go for it. But keep it personal and between the two of you. If you think you might catch heat from your family (which would be really odd) don't tell anyone. It's about you and your husband to experience - not for your families to know or witness.
Make it clear that you do not wish to receive gifts and if you do, donate them to a charity.
A cruise or some sort of a little weekend trip to a local resort would be a great idea, too.
So you had a rough year? Lots of people do. There's a reason why the vow says 'in good times and in bad' - because this is real life and it's not always perfect. You want a medal or cookie for making it through?
Do the vow renewal privately if you must do it at all. Inviting people to this is bordering on tacky.
I just don't get this reasoning of "We've had a rough year - we want to celebrate that our love made it" means inviting people to watch you renew your vows.
It's SOOOO fully AWish. I could sit here and list what DH and I have been through in the past few years. I think probably every person on this board could list out stuff they've been through.
Which is what you need to realize - you are NOT unique!!! Your marriage, your love - you're not unique. It's so very simply just "life". We all have our shit and curveballs to deal with. Some people live charmed lives, but MOST people don't.
~Benjamin Franklin
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I agree with all the previous posts.
If you feel you need to reaffirm your commitment, then do it privately.
Do you normally invite your parents on vacation? if not, then just don't tell them you renewed your vows when you went on a cruise!
I don't like vow renewals because it says to me that you didn't take them seriously the first time and need a refresher course.
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It's not so much about them being 'bad' really, but it's more a matter of the reasoning behind wanting everyone there. Then justifying it by making the ridiculous statement of 'we had a rough year.' Because let's face it, we should all be renewing our vows any time we make it through a rough patch. This seems to be a means to seek attention more than anything.
Someone mentioned earlier that maybe they could see doing that and inviting people to a bigger milestone like 25 years, but 5 years? If you choose to do that, more power to you, but that should be a more private affair, imo.
I'm a little surprised how adamantly many people seem to be against the renewals in general. Maybe DH and I are hopeless romantics, but we always figured we do several of them throughout our lives--not because we didn't mean our vows the first time, but just because there is something sweet about standing up in front of each other, all dressed up and telling each other how you feel at that moment--because the love you feel on your wedding day is different than the love you feel 5 years out, 25 years out, 50 years out, etc.
Also, we do actually vacation with our parents--twice a year with DH's family and once every other year or so with mine. We do also several vacations on our own, but it's not unusual to be with our families.
I'm also not sure that no one ever wants to be a part of your vow renewal. I wouldn't mind going to the renewal of close friends or family. Some of my family in England even expressed how sad they were that they couldn't be at our original ceremony and I think they would probably love if we went over and did a vow renewal there. Not sure I'll make it England anytime soon, but just putting it out there that not everyone is vehemently opposed to vow renewal attendance.
I couldn't think how to word it, so basically ^^ this. Especially the bolded.
If the TWO OF YOU want to be hopesless romantics, go for it. Don't involve other people. Your marriage isn't any more special than anyone elses. No one else needs to take part in your romance.
Maybe your family would be on board w/ one renewal, but i'd be willing to bet that if you start inviting people to multiple renwals over the years, they'll start to roll their eyes and think "AGAIN???".
That's what most of the issue is - this idea of inviting other people. It just reeks of self absorbtion. And if you can't see that, well.... I guess I shouldn't be terribly surprised.
Of course I'm a scrooge because I hate weddings for the same reason. But I've never liked the idea of displaying my relationship with my H for other people to "witness" anything. Vows are private. They are promises between the two of us. Not the two of us and 200 of our closest friends and family. We only relented and let our parents come when we got married after massive amounts of guilt for months.
"Why would I renew my vows? I meant them the first time."