I am a strong woman. I am tough. I can handle a lot. But all of this...all at once. I simply cannot handle.
Monday was CD1 and I was having such a hard time with my tampons. It didn't hurt to put them in, but once they were in they hurt me. It was like they couldn't fit in there. And they were regulars, and the same kind I always use. So that night I went home, and I took a pregnancy test, just in case. I looked, stared, my eyes widened. There was a line. But there was also a slight dye run. So I wasn't sure. But my heart skipped a couple of beats. My DH looked said retest! I took another one of the cheapies, and it was one line. To be sure I took a frer in the morning, completely BFN. That stung and I felt sad but I let it go.
Last night, I finally got the nerve to tell my oldest sister (who never wants kids) that my DH and I had been trying. She is hard to tell things because she's just so blah about everything. She reprimanded me and made me feel like shit. Just horrible. How could I do this? I was too young. She just moved to a new city, she has all this change, she can't handle more change. Now my visit to her this weekend is like a farewell, she won't ever see me. She's not excited to see me now. Why am I rushing a baby, babies change things, they ruin things. I was mortified, crushed and sobbing. She wouldn't even let me get to the point where I could tell her how she was hurting me because we had been trying for 3 months and been unsuccessful so far and every negative hurts a little. So I stopped replying to her texts. I stopped trying to defend myself.
I went to bed completely depressed.
This morning, I wake up, I go to the bathroom. Appears my AF is gone after a short 3 day visit, woo. I login into Fb while doing my hair as always. The first thing that pops up in my newsfeed is my DH 25 year old aunt, she had her baby at 11:59pm last night. A little girl. This woman is a great person but her and her husband have a lot of marital issues and threaten to divorce all the time. They already have a 2 yr old (his birthday is today). They boast about how they didnt have to try for either, it just happened. And so funny they conceived the same day, both times. ha ha ha ha....I say my congrats on her post with a smiley and yell at my phone.
I get to work, and grab a cup of coffee. I am a nanny, and I care for 2 year old twin boys. Their mother comes down, and she is 5 months pregnant, which has been hard but I really am happy for her. She had been trying for a year before and finally got pregnant in July. Anyway, she tells me they get to find out the sex of the baby on Monday if they want. She wants to know what I think, should she find out? She thinks they will and can't wait to text me to tell me.
I am fighting back tears. This. Week. Sucks. =[ =[
"I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."

My Ovulation Chart!
Wife to a wonderful man, who wants to be a daddy as much as I want to be a mommy. Hopefuly soon! 
Re: I just need to let this out.
In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my LIGHT, my STRENGTH, and my SONG!
T-TTC since Dec 2008. PCOS/nonexistant cycles(anovulation) and endo. HSG in '10 revealed both tubes blocked. Lap surgery in Dec '10 to correct. Failed Clomid/IUI and injectable(Bravelle)/IUI cycles so far.
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TTC Since January 2011 - We have bad sperm"I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."
My Ovulation Chart!
Wife to a wonderful man, who wants to be a daddy as much as I want to be a mommy. Hopefuly soon!
TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
~Started acupuncture in May 2014~
~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
~TTC Buddies with akcrrr and amandaf6383~
Natural Cycle (8/7/13)- BFP! Beta #1 (9/10/13): 509 Progesterone: 18.64 Beta #2 (9/12/13): 1118
Baby E born: 2/16/2014 at 12:56pm. 5lb 15oz
"I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."
My Ovulation Chart!
Wife to a wonderful man, who wants to be a daddy as much as I want to be a mommy. Hopefuly soon!
Sorry this has been a rough week for you so far. It's okay to vent and to cry about it. Sometimes what people say hurts more than they may think it does, and it sounds like your sister may have some battles of her own that she's trying to figure out.
Go enjoy your weekend in Boston with her and your friends. Don't bring up any of the baby stuff, and if your sis does, then change the subject.
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)

Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com
"I DO NOT love that you think so many things revolve around you. I know you're bitter. I get it. But I'm over your feelings." The best person on the internet ever!
"I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."
My Ovulation Chart!
Wife to a wonderful man, who wants to be a daddy as much as I want to be a mommy. Hopefuly soon!
TTC September 2013 | BFP 11/21/13 | Chart | EDD 8/3/14 | It's a girl!
DD born at 42 weeks 1 day | 8/18/14 5:33am | 8lbs 4oz 20.25in of perfection!

"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussYou should ask your sister who pissed in her cornflakes. What a downer she is and incredibly mean and rude. I'm sorry to say that about your sister, but her reaction was really uncalled for. If you knew she didn't want kids though, why did you even tell her you guys are TTC? Are you close with her normally? I would say going forward to just delete any angry texts from her and not say anything further about it to her. It's none of her business what your baby making plans are - especially if she's going to be mean and unsupportive about it. That's negative energy that you don't need.
I know this might not make you feel any better either, but keep in mind that you have only been trying for 3 months. That's not a very long time at all. I know the waiting sucks and when you want something so desperately, it seems like a long time, but just keep trying and eventually it will happen for you
Good luck!
"I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."
My Ovulation Chart!
Wife to a wonderful man, who wants to be a daddy as much as I want to be a mommy. Hopefuly soon!
B/w 1/8: betas 17,345, progesterone 25.6
Jeez! That's even shittier then....but it's true what PP just said - regardless of how your sister feels about children, she shouldn't be so mean to you just because you do.
Anyway, I know it's not the same, but at least you have a nice community here that will be supportive
"I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."
My Ovulation Chart!
Wife to a wonderful man, who wants to be a daddy as much as I want to be a mommy. Hopefuly soon!
TTC #1 since July 2012
Cycles 1-9: BFN
Cycle 10: Surprise BFP on 10/17/2013!
EDD: June 25, 2014
Baby Girl born via induction June 26, 2014
My TTC Journey Blog