Relationships
meiracull123
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
He loves me, he loves me not?
Hello all!
Where to begin... ?? *sigh*
Well, for starters, I've been married for a year. Sadly, we were separated for 5 months during that year. A lot of things transpired shortly after we tied the knot and it caused a horrible amount of stress and devastation. First, I realized that my DH was a bit insecure and that he was emotionally abusive. (I didn't know it was EA at the time, but after researching, I found out.) I felt worthless and uncared for in our marriage. I began to vent to friends on FB. One of my best friends is also my ex finance and I vented a great deal to him. (BIG MISTAKE, I know...) Anyway, after the emotional abuse got to where he was becoming manipulative, verbally intimidating, door slamming and throwing things, I chose to leave. When I told him I was leaving, he said nothing... Just shrugged. I came home later that night to find all of my emails, Skype account, FB account and any other social media you could think of had been invaded. He looked through it all (EVERY FB MESSAGE, EVERY EMAIL) then told me he agreed with getting a divorce. I left. (Sidenote: shortly after marrying, we moved to China to work. I left him in China and went back to the States)
Fast forward 2 months. I get another job offer in China. I accept. I come back (to China). He's still here. He doesn't speak to me for months (He's a grudge holder at times) So, out of the blue... he calls me and asks to meet. He tells me he's sorry and doesn't want a divorce. (I've already settled in my mind that I don't want him back or to go back to the abuse I felt). I agree, however, to take things slow and not file for divorce just yet. So now, it's been about 2 more months and we are finally beginning to speak again. We have decided to try to work it out. Here's my problem... I feel like I'M the one doing all the work... I am the one looking for Marriage advice, I send him encouraging notes, I text him and express loving words of hope about our marriage. (And even though he texts back and watches the videos and things I send him... it's all still very "surface") I told him the other day that we need to make a decision on what we want to do (divorce or try to work it out) because I am ready to leave China if we are not going to work it out. I want to travel. So, his actions and words are not really lining up right now. I'm trying SO hard not to be prideful, but I feel like why am I the one pursuing him? Why am I the only one "crawling back" or fighting for this? I mean, we BOTH hurt each other. It takes a tremendous amount of courage on my part to even TRY to express myself emotionally to someone who neglected and damaged my heart so much in the past. How do I handle this? It's so easy to just give up and although a part of me wants to because I feel like I am just setting myself up again, another part of me genuinely loves my DH and desires to see it work. Have any of you dealt with this? A man who doesn't pursue consistently. (In my case, he says he acts this way because I hurt him and he's scared.) Ummmmmm HELLO, I dealt with his emotional abuse until I literally felt like I was going crazy! I feel so foolish day in and day out... waiting for him to convey the same love and feelings I am. Plus now, he drinks WAYYYYY more than he ever did while dating and is into smoking "herbal" substances habitually (that was NEVER, EVER a part of our marriage or life before we were seperated.)He says he does it all because of our separation. I HIGHLY disagree. I was hurt by our separation too but my character never changed.Very confusing. Gosh, my heart hurts. Please give me your opinion ladies (and gents, if applicable). I'm not sure who else I can talk to .. Thanks for reading!
Re: He loves me, he loves me not?
He's abusive and clearly not a good match for you. Move on and focus on you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Run far. And run fast.
You deserve better.
I have been in this situation. We never married (thank god), but it took me an awfully long time to recognize the emotional abuse and realize that no matter how much effort I put into it, it was a waste unless it was reciprocated. You try and try and try, thinking that if you keep making an effort eventually he'll join in. He won't. Not now, not ever. He is being manipulative by blaming his current behavior on the separation. It's no one's fault but his. You deserve better; get out.
I have been in this situation. We never married (thank god), but it took me an awfully long time to recognize the emotional abuse and realize that no matter how much effort I put into it, it was a waste unless it was reciprocated. You try and try and try, thinking that if you keep making an effort eventually he'll join in. He won't. Not now, not ever. He is being manipulative by blaming his current behavior on the separation. It's no one's fault but his. You deserve better; get out.
I meant more so for not demanding counseling at any point while trying to work it out. Lovey text messages aren't going to fix this guy, you know what I mean? But fair enough. I've never been in that situation so it's all much easier said than done. My apologies if I offended you or the OP.
ETA - OP, you need to do what's right for you regardless of what your friends or family have to say. This is YOUR life. As strongly as I believe you should leave, it's your decision. But keep in mind BOTH of you need to put in the effort. It takes two people to make it work. Just prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't do his part. Good luck.
I'm sorry you're going through this. And just because you're Christian doesn't mean you have to put up with abuse and "make it work"!! Making a marriage work requires the equal effort of the partners. You don't have that. You have a husband who is blaming you for his bad behavior, instead of owning up to it, taking responsibility for being a good person and a good husband, and making an effort to deserve you. You can't make him do those things, so you can't make it work. Let yourself off the hook here and let him take responsibility for himself. Life is short and you should spend it with people who treat you with respect and love. I wish you all the best and hope you meet someone who knows what it means to be a real partner.
File for divorce and do not look back. That's the only alternative you have. Nothing here to love, nothing here to save.
And for love of God: get therapy. His behavior is not normal and that you still are interested is not normal, either.
This is whether you are spiritual or if you are an athiest; there is no two ways about it.
You cannot stay with an abuser. Nor can you reason with one.
And you can't counsel the abuser, either.
Use your common sense. I do not think God would want you to stay with somebody who means harm for you.
Listen, to answer your question, He doesn't love you. THis isn't how love is.
Please gather the courage to choose a better life for yourself.
What the hell were you thinking?!?
We lived in China for about 6 years and though our relationship was fine, we saw the breakdown of many relationships with China being a major catalyst. The stress of living there, the limited interactions and social groups, the strain and aggressive pursuit of foreign men and women as well as the cultural (and business) views toward spouses and infidelity were major issues.
Further to that, the loss of independence when you are living somewhere in which you do not speak the language and are suddenly illiterate (we lived in small places there as well) cause couples to easily become overly co-dependent upon each other. It brings some people closer, it tears others apart.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I have seen success with my sister who while seperated went to individual counseling and then also couple counseling, he eventually went to individual counseling too. It gave them the chance to work on their own personal issues which made it easier to deal with the marital issues. If that's not an option, at the very least you need to let him know that you need more effort from his side if he truely wants this marriage to work. Be specific on what you need from him. Then give him time to see if he does make the changes, and if he does, does he stick to them or was it a short term change. You need to be open on with him about your needs & wants and what you won't tolerate. I'm not saying don't file for divorce but with any marriage you need to have communication, neither of you are mind readers and if you don't tell each other what you want, how are you suppose to resolve things? If things continue as they were, then file for divorce. But then you can file with the knowledge you did what you could to save the marriage, it just didn't work.