3T ladies...do you ever feel this way?

Flamingo86 · November 2013

We have been married for over 4 years now. In our immediate environment, it is pretty unusual to wait longer than a year or so after your wedding before getting pregnant. We go to a church where people are very into having babies (I mostly like our church but find the baby-craziness highly annoying) and I work at an early childhood ed center where it seems like moms are popping out kid after kid.

I'm starting to feel like people might suspect we are having trouble when they learn how long we have been married and that we don't have kids. I hear responses like "oooh 4 years? No kids yet?" Sometimes I feel like they are secretly wanting to ask if we have tried but don't want to. I am not secretive about our 3T struggles or plans to adopt, but I don't flaunt it either.

Does anyone else feel this way? DH thinks it's in my head. Maybe he's right, maybe not.

DangerMuffin23 · November 2013

We've only been trying about a year and a half, so it's not really the same, but I think that too. But my facial expressions and tone might come across when I answer "not yet" etc.

Flamingo86 · November 2013

@dangermuffin I say "not yet" often too. I think sometimes that drops a hint. I might also say "hopefully in the next couple years" which is true considering our adoption plans.

I should add for clarification that we have been married for 4 years but only TTC'd for just over a year.

islandmonkey8 · November 2013

I think the question is always there no matter how long you're married. DH and I have been attacked with these questions, especially in the last month since we hit the year mark. It's very frustrating.

We have friends who have been married 6.5 years. They aren't trying yet because they are enjoying the time just the two of them, which is great. But they said people ask them all the time. They just tell people that they like vacation more then kids right now. Which actually is true for them and not just an excuse. But I've debated on using it.

LooneyLife · November 2013

I think I'm usually exempt from these types of questions from people because they mostly know of my husband's injury. I'm pretty sure they assume he can't have kids and therefore I never get asked about kids. Which is annoying for different reasons.

Flamingo86 · November 2013

@islandmonkey I think there is something about the year mark that makes people think it's okay to ask about your baby plans.

@looneylife that is super annoying. I'm sorry.

lb1117 · November 2013

@flamingo86 - I feel like I live in a similar environment as you. You get married and have kids within 2 years of the wedding. I don't think people at church thought much of it until peers who got married after us got pregnant and had babies before we were pregnant. Also, I know that while people may or may not have said anything directly to me; many asked my parents what was wrong with us.

LuckyAngel07 · November 2013

I'm sure people are starting to suspect with us. We didn't start trying until we'd been married 3 years, either, so we're about 1.5 years into TTC, but no one really knows exactly when we started.

My grandpa (mom's dad) asked us a month after we got married if we had anything to tell him. I was obviously still on bc, so just said, nope!

My grandma (dad's mom) asked last Dec while we were making cookies if we were having trouble (I must've let slip we were working on it). It was barely 6 months in at the time, so I just said no, we were just letting whatevet happened happen.

Pretty much no one asks us now, but I'm sure they wonder (DH did tell his mom about having trouble, so at least they know where stand).

ecinereb · November 2013

Seriously, I wish people would just mind there own business. We've been married for 2 1/2 years and people started asking us before we were even married when we were having kids.

poppies717 · November 2013

We've been married over 3 years, but we've been in our house for 2 years. We told people at our wedding that we wanted to buy a house before starting our family. I think people know by now. If they haven't guessed on their own (and many have), they're either totally in the dark or we have confided in them.

I think I'm just sick of the pity, if I can be honest. I am so sick of people looking at me whenever babies come up. I can't stand the look of pity on their faces.

LittleLady77 · November 2013

I totally felt that way. I would dread the whole "so how long have you been married" questions. When I said 4 years I would inevitability get further questions or just a look of pity. It was terrible. I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

One thing that kind of helped was letting people know we really want to be prepared for kids and enjoy our time together before they came. Towards the end I would just say "It's not that easy for everyone" because I was so over it.

seahorse01 · November 2013

I don't go to church so I don't have a lot of nosy people up in my business. Our family all knows what we have been through.

Flamingo86 · November 2013

@islandmonkey I like your friend's (true) response that they like travel more than kids. Our main reason for waiting the 3 years we waited was to save money. Maybe I will start telling people we like money more than kids!

islandmonkey8 · November 2013

@islandmonkey I like your friend's (true) response that they like travel more than kids. Our main reason for waiting the 3 years we waited was to save money. Maybe I will start telling people we like money more than kids!

It's a great reason. And for a lot of people true. I just wish you didn't have to come up with something at all.

Xan921 · November 2013

I lost my filter on that question a while ago. Now if people ask I say "when my body stops being broken" and that takes care of that person asking anymore questions usually. I know people don't mean any harm when they ask but I got real tired of making up excuses pretty early on so now I'm just honest.

ILoveRedVino · November 2013

Since it's obvious that we want kids (everyone knew I was preg), I assume people figure we have issues. Either that or they think I am damaged from our loss.

Regardless, I do think people have assumptions about why we don't have kids.

spongebobsquarepanties · November 2013

For years before we got married, people asked us when we were going to get married and when I said that I didn't know they looked at me as though I was faulty. When we were getting married, the same nosy people asked about babies and I would say eventually. Since the moment I get married, they looked at me as though I rejected or didn't value parenthood. When I told my mom about it, she said the nosy questions never go away no matter what you do. As soon as you have your first baby, people ask about the next. It's jnever enough. The point I am trying to make amongst all this rambling is that when you reach a milestone, people will always ask about the next or wonder about it. The people that have the right to know your struggles will know them, and nobodu else has the right to ask or make that pity face. If they do, you just remind yourself about what Jesus has to say about empathy and judgement and carry on your merry way. Ignore the faces and don't spend your energy thinking about what people are thinking. It's none of their business and you don't owe them any explanation about your 3T or adoption.

RockABye · November 2013

March will be our 9 year wedding anniversary. We've been TTC for 5 years (next month). People that know of us have all but stopped asking now... which makes me even sadder, kinda. When they do ask though, we just say they're on backorder or that we ordered but they're out of stock. Of if it's someone we don't really care to tell, we just say "eh, we'll get there".

3T ladies...do you ever feel this way?

Re: 3T ladies...do you ever feel this way?

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