friend had late term loss-advice?

iteachkids81 · November 2013

Hi ladies

I'm a lurker with a question.

A friend of mine just lost her baby over the weekend. She was 33 weeks. Her baby shower was supposed to be this coming weekend, and I got a call from her mom saying it was cancelled because she lost the baby.

I am so incredibly sad for her. I can't imagine how she is feeling- she's wanted to be a mom for so long, they tried for years- first with drugs, then IUI and finally IVF- she was so looking forward to being a mother, and now I just -my heart is broken for her.

Her mom said to wait a few days before trying to get in touch with her. I live a couple hours away from her- I'm still heading to her general area this weekend. What would you do? Should I send a sympathy card and just let her know I'm around if she needs me? I can totally understand that she might want to be alone, with her H.

Any advice you ladies have would be more than appreciated. Thank you so much for listening

thecuddleeffect · November 2013

My heart breaks for your friend.
I had a 2nd tri loss. I would have never ASKED for someone to come by, but I didn't mind visitors. Bring her and her DH some dinner. That was the best most heart warming things we received. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk. Just tell her it sucks and you are so so sorry. The ladies here gave me Memorial jewelry. That was/is very special to me.

ILoveRedVino · November 2013

Definitely send a card. Knowing that people cared was huuuuuuge for me.

The thing that I cared most about was that my baby wouldn't be forgotten. I knew everyone was concerned about me and H, and they were amazing about letting us know that. But the only thing i wanted was for people to care as much about him as they did H and me, if that makes sense. I wanted (and this is still true) his memory to stay alive. I wanted him to always be remembered as our son... Not as a loss.

My point with that is to talk about her baby- now, 3 months from now, a year from now. The world expects that she will move on. What the world doesn't understand is that death doesn't change some things... That baby is still her family.

carcrashheart · November 2013

i really agree with ILRV. remember her baby down the road. remember her baby's birth/death day. don't pretend the baby never existed. a friend of mine sent me a precious moments figurine the the birth month my baby would have been. i bought one for all of my other angel babies after that and keep them on my dresser as a reminder.

other than that, if she is up for company, i would go and just be there. give a lot of hugs. remember that it isn't just about her and her husband, but the baby that passed away as well.

and whatever you do, i suggest keeping away from the cliche statements. no "it was god's plan" kind of stuff.

lastly, i'm so sorry to hear about your friend and her sweet baby. that's so heart breaking, especially after suffering IF. it's a mother's worst fear and i can't imagine it happening. you're a good friend for caring so much and wanting to go about helping her in the best possible way(s).

thecuddleeffect · November 2013

I couldn't agree more with what cc said about cliché statements. She certainly doesn't want to hear "everything happens for a reason" "it wasn't meant to be" "maybe it wasn't the right time". I think to this day, aside from people pretty much thinking I'm crazy for still talking about my son and daughter, I hate those statements.... I really can't think of a "reason" why my kids had to die, sorry about it cliche world! It makes other people feel better to say those thing because they don't know what TO say. But I digress....

Flamingo86 · November 2013

Everyone has had good advice. I had a late first tri loss last year, and I still long for people to remember my baby and want to talk about it.

I would send a card. Acknowledge the baby by name. Take them some meals but don't expect to stay and socialize unless they ask you to.

I'm so very sorry for your friend's loss.

nberg89 · November 2013

I would stop by with some food or desert maybe cookies and express your sadness for them and let her talk if she wants to, or just sit with her if she wants. A hug I'm sure would help. I feel such sadness for your friend.

PandPMeant2B · November 2013

PPs have made some great suggestions, so I have nothing to add, except for the fact that I am really sad for your friend.

To piggyback on the whole "stay away from cliches" thing, I totally agree. Most people say these because they don't know what else to say, but I find admitting that you just don't know what to say works better. It's okay not to know the right thing to say as long as your friend knows you're there for her. Follow her lead. She might want to talk out her feelings. She might want to talk about anything BUT her feelings. She might not want to talk at all. Just let her know you're there to support her.

nfp147 · November 2013

PandPMeant2B said:

PPs have made some great suggestions, so I have nothing to add, except for the fact that I am really sad for your friend.

To piggyback on the whole "stay away from cliches" thing, I totally agree. Most people say these because they don't know what else to say, but I find admitting that you just don't know what to say works better. It's okay not to know the right thing to say as long as your friend knows you're there for her. Follow her lead. She might want to talk out her feelings. She might want to talk about anything BUT her feelings. She might not want to talk at all. Just let her know you're there to support her.

I haven't experienced a loss, but I find the same with IF. I would much rather here this than "it wasn't meant to be" or "it's God's plan", etc.

lb1117 · November 2013

I am so sorry for your friends loss. My BFF had a second tri loss. It was devastating. It happened 2 days before Christmas. I waited until the holidays were over and gave them time to grieve. Then I cooked a meal and stopped by. Her DH appreciated the food and she appreciated that I was there. I told her I was so very sorry.We spoke about the baby. She showed me his things - little hat, pics, foot prints. We cried together.

Even though she now has two healthy babies, we still talk about the baby she lost and I try to remember the due date/birth day every year, even if it's just in a text.

Flamingo86 · November 2013

lb1117 said:

Even though she now has two healthy babies, we still talk about the baby she lost and I try to remember the due date/birth day every year, even if it's just in a text.

Remembering due dates/birthdays are huge. My mom sent me a text this year on what would have been my due date and it meant the world to me.

sgautschi · November 2013

I agree with everything said above, especially about cliche statements and remembering her baby. I don't have anything to add except to say that I'm so sorry for your friend. That's every mothers worst nightmare.

Actually that brings me to my biggest pet peeve. Just because she didn't give birth to a living baby doesn't mean she's not a mother. Idk why people think that you aren't a mother while pregnant, or after a pregnancy loss, but they will if you lose the child say when they are two or twenty years old. Idk why the child's age makes a difference. They were still your baby, and you are still their mother. Sorry that turned into a mini rant.

iteachkids81 · November 2013

Thank you for all your advice ladies. I am going to send a card, and when I am down there this weekend I might call and see if she wants me to pop over or bring anything.

friend had late term loss-advice?

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