How to Spend the Wedding Gift Money?

vdhudson303 · November 2013

My new husband and I have gotten a significant amount of money as gifts for our wedding. We are in the process of getting things for our new apartment

but my husband is constantly pestering me about him getting a new phone. He says he will need about $400 dollars which is almost half of our apartment budget. I told him to wait and see how much we have after the apartment is ready but i'm scared he might bring it up again and i'll tell him how i really feel (that its a ridiculous amount to spend on a phone and it is extremely selfish to spend that much on just himself) How can I go about this gently so that we don't end up fighting?

Xstatic3333 · November 2013

We agreed to have our wedding money be only for purchases that benefit both of us. In our case, that meant some furniture, some honeymoon, and some savings. We chose not to use it for debt, although many on this board would probably would have.

My H wants an iPhone 5, too. It's driving me bonkers, but he just loves the latest gadgets. In our budget, after prepaying some debt and putting plenty to savings, we designate a little money for each of us to save for our personal big wants. I'd recommend it to any couple, even if it's just a little that you can spare. Then your H can save for it in his own. I wouldn't want to spend wedding gift money that way either.

vlagrl29 · November 2013

maybe he can just ask family and friends for money for xmas to get his phone. My DH wants the new ipad for xmas so I will be giving him cash. Just a thought!

Ducktale · November 2013

We went through similar arguments when we were first married. Two different people, raised two different ways about money. In a lot of relationships, one person tends to be the spender and the other the saver. It's very important to get on the same page financially early on. I've never read it, but many people recommend the book Smart Couples Finish Rich (is that right? again, never read it).

You have to get on the same page and compromise. Decide together what your financial goals are. Be specific (we want to put $x per month towards our debt/efund/savings/car fund/etc. or we want to have a down payment saved for a house in x years). It has to be things that motivate both of you. And I can't emphasize the need to compromise enough. Again, I am a big saver and would rather deprive myself of most things then "splurge" because I get more happiness out of saving an extra $100 than I would from spending the $100. DH is the opposite. Neither is right and neither is wrong, it's just two different people. This $400 phone is just one of the many daily/monthly/yearly fiancial decisions you will have to work through.

IMO, it's essential for each person to have some type of "fun money". This is money that is budgeted in each month that each person can spend (or save) as they please, no questions asked. If it's $100 each, then he will have to save for 4 months ot get the phone. It's not he can't buy things he wants, just not all the time. In the case of wedding gift money, this may be something you'll need to compromise on (not "give in" or "say no", but mutually agree on a compromise). I feel you, I would feel the same thing as you in your situation. But you being the one to control where the money is spent may only lead to resentment, and is a battle you will fight for years until you can get on the same page.

Sisugal · November 2013

Read Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach -- the first few chapters are all about your values and goals (do exercises separately and then share them with each other) which facilitates money talks and help understand each other's emotional relationship with money --- thus facilitating a budget that works for BOTH parties.
If you have any consumer debt - use the money to pay off debt, then set up an emergency fund (6 months' expenses) -
Make sure he has has some input on the apartment purchases and that you are not just decorating to suit you. Do you really need these things or just want them? Do you have a set budget for getting things set up in the apartment?
Do you have a line item in your budget for personal spending? If so, could he save that for his phone?
Did you have financial talks prior to getting married?

vdhudson303 · November 2013

Thanks so much for your responses!

We have talked about money before getting married and we don't have much wiggle room at all as far as our normal budget. I guess he was just trying to use the extra money to get what he wanted ( sounds bad but probably true and I don't blame him for it) I do think that setting aside a little for each of us to spend on whatever we want would be a better compromise. I'll try to gently bring it up!

hoffse · November 2013

Even if you have talked about money before, this is a conversation you need to keep having through your marriage. Far too many people get divorced because their philosophies about money are different - not wrong, but different. Sometimes it can be hard really hard to let go of the fact that you're suddenly buying food you don't eat or gadgets you won't use. But it's really important to learn how to let go of resentment surrounding these sorts of things.

When H and I got married we got buried under a huge pile of wedding gifts. Not going to lie, it was kind of amazing. But at the end of the day, I picked out the vast majority of the items on our registry. We received almost everything I really cared about - every piece of our china, our bedding, our serving pieces. But the things my H really really wanted (ie: knives) we didn't receive. So after the wedding was over, we took a trip to Williams Sonoma and used the entirety of our Williams Sonoma and Pottery Barn gift cards on his knives. They are insanely overpriced. Frankly, I don't even like them all that much because they don't fit my hands well. If it had just been up to me, I would have bought curtains or upgraded some furniture with those gift cards. But H still gets this absolutely gleeful smile on his face every time he uses them. At the end of the day, it was the best use of those funds because he felt like he got a wedding gift too.

I think a lot of men feel like weddings, decorating, etc. has virtually nothing to do with them. For many couples, this is probably accurate. While I don't think it's a good idea to get in the habit of indulging every electronic whim your H might have going forward, you really might want to ask yourself if your "joint" wedding gifts were primarily for you? You might also ask yourself how much your wedding dress or centerpieces cost? And did he put up a big fight about that? If not, I probably wouldn't begrudge my H a $400 phone, even if it does seem like a frivolous purchase.

A lot of couples find that setting aside a particular amount of "judgment free" spending money for each person helps prevent this sort of resentment. Honestly, H and I really don't do that, but we also have a tendency to view a lot more items as "ours" than "yours" vs. "mine." Overall, that's really helped us avoid resentment about larger purchases that tend to be for just one of us, instead of both of us.

hoffse · November 2013

One other thing I will add re: approaching purchases for one person as something that "we" own and is "ours."

H and I set aside a monthly budget for all sorts of things. Let's use clothing as an example. Any given month, I might buy a pair of shoes that eats up 80% of our clothing budget (I have a weakness for nice shoes, I admit). Likewise, H might eat up 80% of our "entertainment" budget on golf. You know what? That's ok. Because at the end of the month we are still saving what we need to save for retirement and our other financial goals. We don't really care who is spending what - as long as our bottom line looks good.

Often, we end up coming in under our total spending budget. This extra is either saved or is spent on something that makes one or both of our lives happier. Recently, we used extra money to buy me a really nice office chair. H will probably never in his life sit in that chair, but I sit in it at least 5 days a week, and my old one was giving me back pain. From H's perspective, that new chair means I am happier and therefore he is happier. It might also mean I don't spend our money to go to the doctor because of back pain. And he doesn't have to listen to me gripe about how sore I am. So even though it was a purchase for me, he gets some fringe benefits from it.

This month, we are hoping to use any leftover money on clothes for H during the Black Friday sales. H is going to be joining a "silk stocking" law firm once he graduates from law school, and that means he will be needing to make an appointment at Brooks Brothers for a suit fitting once he graduates. We're hoping to take care of his shirts, ties, etc. before then to space some purchases out. Again, I will never ever wear these clothes. But if he dresses the part, it might mean that he advances in his job more quickly, or he brings in more business. At the end of the day, I benefit from this when he is happy with his job and when he gets a bonus.

So for us, even the stuff we buy that will primarily be used by only one person often affects us both. That's why we don't really have "play money" for each of us any given month. We just see what is left after all our bills are paid and after we have met our baseline savings goals. Then we decide if there's something one or both of us wants/needs that will improve our life or overall happiness. If there is, we buy it. If there's not, we save that money.

brij2006 · November 2013

I'm just going to put what we ended up doing with some of our wedding money.

We put a huge chunk in our E-fund to get that to 3 months. Then we bought gutters for our house (a gift for us). I bought the Kitchenaid mixer I had been drooling over (a gift for me), and H bought the gun he wanted (a gift for him).

We figured up what all needed to be the first importance to begin with. Then we each picked out an item we wanted separately. I do not regret one bit splitting some of that money and each of us spending some on an item we solely wanted. He will never touch my mixer, and I'll never go to the shooting range with his gun. It's just the agreement that worked for us at the time.

Sisugal · November 2013

Something we did when we were first married and very broke:
Each made a list of things we wanted and then prioritized the list.
We then took turns and jointly saved for an item on my list - and when purchased, then saved for the top item on DH's list - and continued alternating until both of the lists were purchased.

anssett · November 2013

Do you budget some 'blow money' for each of you? That can be a way to mitigate the conflict over shared money. IMO wedding money should be for both of you. If you can't agree on how to spend it, at the very least split it evenly and let each person spend their own. However, if you can't agree on this I'm worried for your communication!

Leftie22 · November 2013

I think you need to both be okay with how this money is getting spent. Personally, I don't like the theory that stuff for the house is stuff that only the woman really wants, that's kind of sexist. I'm supposed to get all excited about pots and pans, and since we got those, DH gets a phone? I don't think so! If the stuff you're getting for your apartment is general, everyday use stuff that you'll both use, or that's a basic requirement (dishes, furniture, etc.), then it's for both of you. If he wants to use $400 just on himself, then you should get $400 to spend however you want, just on yourself. But I think it's a lot to spend on a phone.

Xstatic3333 · November 2013

@hoffse brought up a good point that the home purchases may not have been as "fun" for your H. I didn't think of that since mine was super-pumped about registering for kitchen gadgets. In general I just think it's important to talk openly, but non-confrontationally, about money decisions and planning. It shouldn't be a nerve-wracking conversation. Personally, I did really feel that wedding money should be for "couple" things, but hey, you guys may be different.

We both started better jobs right after the wedding, and I knew we'd need to set a budget and start saving, but I did give us a "paycheck off" before starting all that. We'd worked so hard to save for the wedding, we needed a little non-structured splurge time. I bought some new professional clothes on my first paycheck, and H, with my blessing, bought a Wii U. That purchase has probably saved us money by decreasing going out and beer consumption in the long run. It's all about balance. That said, $400 for a phone does seem nuts! Is he out of contract? Tell him to ask at Best Buy and see if his old phone has trade in value. H's busted iPhone 4 is still worth $50!

hoffse · November 2013

Look I'm not saying that house stuff is only for women. In our family, H cooks and I eat. I am the person who sets the kitchen on fire when I try to make anything that's not pre-packaged. H would have been really excited to get high-end kitchen equipment.

But I also know that my H's only opinion about china/dishes was that it "not be ugly." What did we receive? China, dishes, serving pieces. etc. Even his own family bought us china. I'm speaking entirely from my own experience here to say that I know that for US, my H felt like the wedding gifts were mostly for me. So I didn't have a problem blowing our gift cards on his "dream knives."

And I think a lot of men probably feel similarly.

Belthil · November 2013

I currently have a large amount of debt (thank you graduate degree) and as a couple H and I have decided to put the all of the money we got as a wedding gift to paying off some of that debt. This means he doesn't get to buy the new gaming systems he really wanted. What we've done instead is that each month we both get spending money to be used how we see fit and without judgement. So I can go out for coffee with friends or save up for new shoes and he can save up for his new consoles.

It's not a perfect system but it works and it's also teaching us both patience as we were used to buying whatever we wanted when we wanted it before.

orangehills · November 2013

Just show him the budget. I think if he's involved and knows what money needs to go where and how inconsiderate it would be of him to demand that money for a new phone, which is not a necessity, he should wisen up! We used our wedding money to buy everything we needed that we didn't get as gifts. And to pay for our little mini-moon. So we ended the wedding/mini-moon with no debt and just about everything off the registry that we needed. It was great, and it was all used towards stuff we needed together.

MrsS728 · November 2013

My husband and I agreed to spend the money from our wedding on a down payment for our first home. As soon as the money cleared it went into our house fund and sat there (collecting interest) for 1 year and 3 days. Money that we get for birthday's or Christmas are our own money and we can spend it how we want, but anything that was a joint gift is a joint decision and benefits both of us.

dragonstarjk · November 2013

My H and I agreed before our wedding that any cash we got, we were going to use to splurge on our honeymoon--so we didn't have this problem. If we hadn't done it that way, we probably would have split it in half and got whatever we each wanted. This is what we did with the gift cards that we got.

This being said, we had already owned our home for several years, so there wasn't anything specific we were saving for, needing to pay off, or needing for our house. It might have been different if we needed stuff for our house.

How to Spend the Wedding Gift Money?

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