A victim mentality

ILoveRedVino · November 2013

We were talking at work today about a person who recently interviewed and the manager mentioned that this candidate had a victim mentality. Everything bad had happened to her, she didn't control it, etc.

And it occurred to me. Oh my gosh...I do that too.

I totally fall in to that... Thinking I am a victim- of fertility issues, baby loss, whatever. It all happened to me. And I let it define me. Just tonight I'd been thinking about how, to me, my loss defined my life.

I've made myself a victim.

How do you avoid that? How do you focus on the positive and not fall into that trap?

lindsayandjamie · November 2013

I haven't been what you've been through, but in my life I have had to overcome issues and circumstances that have caused others to define themself as a victim.
I don't think of myself as a victim by focusing on tomorrow and not on yesterday. I acknowledge, accept and speak about the terrible things that I have experienced as a way to educate others and provide closure for myself on how experiences can develop a person but don't have to define a person.
But I am a glass half full, move forward type of person as a coping mechanism for my childhood, so I acknolwdge that these are learned skills/characteristics that not everyone will develop.
My only suggestion beyond counselling to help develop the skills, is focus on what you can control, and let go of what you can't. You can't control that you lost a child too soon. You can control how you honor the memory and experience, and what you have learned from living this experience.
It is not an easy process, but it is not impossible.

PinkinProvence · November 2013

ILRV - I don't think you fall into that category at all. A loss of a child changes a person. Recognizing that and your continuous pain does not make you have a victim mentality.

To me a person who has a victim mentality that would cause one to comment negatively is someone who has had bad luck or trivial setbacks who is constantly complaining woe is me and shifting blame without taking responsibility. Of course, you cannot fit in that category because you have been through incredible heartache in which you could never take any responsibility or assert any positive control or effort that could have changed what happened.

You are amazingly strong and allowed to mourn both your child's life and the lasting effects

lilliesandvino · November 2013

First of all, you just saved yourself years of therapy because that kind of insight usually takes a lot of time to develop. (Note: I'm not saying you actually exhibit these qualities, just recognizing the progress.) This is pretty awesome ILRV.

Second, this would be a great time to get into (back into) therapy to find out where you can go from here and to learn how to focus on the positive.

LuckyAngel07 · November 2013

I agree with Pink that a victim mentality is embodied by a person who thinks everything that's gone wrong in their life is someone else's fault and they use it as a crutch.

IE, "My parents divorced when I was 5! Woe is me! I can't handle life because of it!" (Yeah, I've heard people make excuses for their behavior based on their parents divorcing.) My parents divorced when I was 6. I've never failed to take responsibility for my actions if I did something crappy, and I think I've done damn well for myself all things considered.

ILRV, you are not a victim. Losing a baby, having fertility issues, etc, are completely outside of your control. You could have done nothing differently were you able to replay the situation. There is no action to take responsibility for. I agree that those kinds of things can change how you approach life, but I don't think they make you a victim unless you blame your mistakes on them.

zamboni00 · November 2013

(sorry.. this one got long- It's one of my soap box topics- I have known way too many of them.)

I have often wondered if people with a victim mentality would ever recognize it in themselves. In general, I am thinking they wouldn't, or not without therapy, anyway.

That said, I don't necessarily think @ILoveRedVino would qualify under my definition.

To me, someone with a victim mentality is someone who fails to see how their actions result in negative consequences. Instead of learning from mistakes, they blame others, and continue on.

Example: An individual who has made poor financial choices (say someone who is living paycheck to paycheck goes out and buys a huge house, and a new car- when their car ran just fine- in the same month.) Then the roof starts leaking on this huge house.

Someone without a victim mentality would say 'wow, that really sucks. At least I had money put aside in my emergency fund.' or 'wow, that really sucks. I should have made sure I still had money in my emergency fund, in case something like this happens again.'

Someone with a victim mentality (my definition) would say 'Why does this stuff always happen to me? How am I supposed to get ahead when this stuff keeps happening? '

The fact is, that stuff happens to everyone. Roofs leak. But most people deal with it, possibly learn a lesson (when owning a house, it's good to have an emergency fund) and move on. Maybe next time they will buy a smaller house, or not also splurge on a new car, to be sure they have money in their emergency fund.

People with a victim mentality fail to see that while they can't control what happens, they can learn from it, or control their choices which will help them prepare or deal with whatever happens.

But yeah, I sort of believe that since you're questioning if you've got a victim mentality, @ILoveRedVino, then you probably don't. Part of the victim mentality is that you don't recognize the control you have, or that your actions/thoughts/etc have anything to do with your life. They really,really believe they are victims, and can't see it any other way. So they wouldn't question it, if that makes sense.

(again, sorry so long.)

:-?? (:|

LittleLady77 · November 2013

Pink said it perfectly. I know a girl who "plays the victim" and every tiny thing in her life that goes wrong is someone else's fault. She crashed her car... It was the other guys fault. She isn't doing well at work... It's her boss' fault. Literally nothing is her life is her Fault. She hasn't had anything serious or difficult in years but the world is still against her. She is the ultimate victim. I really don't think that's you.

Apollo11235 · November 2013

I'm just going to echo PPs and say that calling infertility and the loss of a child unfair doesn't mean you have a victim mentality. IF and loss *are* unfair, and they shouldn't happen to anyone, including you. I think it's great for all of us to evaluate our own behavior, but you absolutely deserve to take it easy on yourself when it comes to this.

Flamingo86 · November 2013

ILRV I never thought you had a victim mentality. You are grieving the loss of your son and the dream that getting/staying pregnant would be easy and fun. To be sad about those things is not playing the victim.

Like others, I know someone who very much has a victim mentality. Everything that goes wrong is the fault of her H/kids/family/friends. She takes no responsibility. You are not like that.

Hugs dear.

A victim mentality

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