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What to do about spendy husband
I am at the end of my rope. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
My husband and I have been married 2 years. We do not have a high income, are new homeowners and he is going to college for the first time in his 30s (on financial aid). I’m not a penny pincher in the traditional sense but I do try to watch what we spend, not make big purchases and save when possible. I have to be the one that says “no”. The one thing that my husband have fought about is money and his frivolous spending. Yes, it’s only $30 here and there but when he does that 6 times in a month, it really adds up. I had been telling him that things were tight this month with a weekend trip he has planned with a friend and our anniversary next week. He obviously didn’t listen and spent too much on his hobby without even telling me. Any ideas on what to do? I can’t trust him to pay bills and he obviously goes back on his promise to consult with me about purchases. I’m now threatening to split our accounts which I don’t want to do, but I’m out of ideas. He’s A. stubborn B. not someone who thinks too far ahead and C. always wanting something . I feel as though I don’t usually get much for myself because I have a realistic picture of what we can afford.
Re: What to do about spendy husband
my DH and I sit down and do our budget together, every other week (night before pay day). We discuss how much will be allocated to every line item. For our individual "misc" or "eating out" budgets, we look at our schedules and AGREE on reasonable amounts based on plans with friends/events. (like, if i know that there are a few birthdays coming up and we'll be going to a lot of dinners, we'll budget more for that, etc.)
for the first year or two of our marriage, i just assigned arbitrary amounts to budget categories and got frustrated when we'd be over on so many of them. also, by doing that, DH didn't understand the WHY behind the money. we never argued or stressed about money, but i definitely didn't like constantly having to remind DH that we had a budget. involving him in the process of creating the budget helps keep him accountable b/c he knows that had a part in deciding how much he had to spend.
also, having a concrete goal has brought our budget-adherence to a whole new level. we both got really serious about wanting to buy a house next year, so having that common goal has helped us talk much more openly about finances and put us much more on the same page than we were before.
we also use a software called "you need a budget" (ynab http://www.youneedabudget.com/download) that has helped us stick to our budget better.
i hope you guys find something that works for you!!
TTC Countdown to 8/2015
You sound very frustrated. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but have you considered marriage counseling? As you can see, finances are a big deal in a marriage and often are a large contributing factor in divorces. In your OP, you refer to your husband as selfish and stubborn. I think this probably reaches far beyond finances. It's one thing to say your husband made a poor financial choice, as mine does sometimes (and I do as well), it's another thing entirely to view your husband as a selfish person. It really sounds like you could benefit from a objective third party (like a counselor) to have these discussion that will be productive. My guess is he is frustrated as well.
I think PP gave good advice on practical steps, but you'll need to work on larger issues like communication and compromise for the steps to actually work.
I have tried to get him involved in the past, but he just seems to put it off. BUT, actually setting a time every two weeks so that he we can plan together sounds like the best option yet! I also like the idea of budgeting for social events more carefully, that’s where we both could use some help. Thank you for the advice and the link, I’m going to download the software!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I agree that using those words is not a good sign. I guess it's because I have tried to make this about us and our goals (baby) but for whatever reason, I'm not sure it gets through to him. I have suggested counseling and he has refused. I've also tried to lead by example, consulting him on even my small purchases. He still goes and spends without telling me. This happens every 3 months or so. He says that he wants to be more invovled and responsible and does well for a month, and then slacks off and by month 3 he's back to spending without restraint.
I really want to get past this. I love him and he's a wonderful person. This is the only thing we fight about and when he gets like this it makes me feel as if he doesn't respect our agreement, my judgement, and ultimately me.
kaholland4
You basically just described us! DH will admit he's really bad with money. The only good news is that we both now have 0 credit cards and want to keep it that way. He was HORRIBLE with money and will admit it.
I've tried the cash budget which is great for me, but he just ends up using cash AND the card.
I've thought about the prepaid card before and really like that idea. Splitting accounts would mean he would end up "borrowing" from me, or that I would end up making purchases for the home and I don't want that. I want us to buy things together, as a team.
At the end of the day, DH want me to be in charge because he knows I'm much better and it and he has ZERO interest in it.
What do you do about groceries, etc? Does your DH just not buy them?
Thanks for your advice ladies! I went home last night and:<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
A. Planned out the next 10 days till one of us gets paid again. We went through everything we think we’ll spend and have almost nothing left. It was really good for him to see that there’s no wiggle room.
B. I also showed him our online spending report through our bank so he could see that we are (both) spending way too much on groceries and eating out. We itemized all of our bills and compared it to our income and we have such a big gap, that we should be able to save.
C. He’s not keen on the prepaid card at all, but will try the cash budget again and seems to be on board. We agreed to meet every week and go over our spending.
Thank you so much for your help. My husband is the first to admit that he’s stubborn, but hopefully with a plan like this he can be more involved and it will feel like something we’re doing together.
TTC Countdown to 8/2015
TTC Countdown to 8/2015