Pittsburgh Nesties
waltsgirl102503
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Have you seen the "Marriage isn't for me" thing all over FB?
What do you think of it? Here is the article if you haven't seen it.
It makes me have strong feelings, so I thought we could discuss and have a long post today! 
Re: Have you seen the "Marriage isn't for me" thing all over FB?
I've seen it. I agree with Amanda as ususal - not really groundbreaking thoughts...
And personally, the thought of being married to make your spouse happy (as opposed to yourself) is fine, but that doens't do diddly when s/he doesn't contribute their part to the relationship. Marriage is hard work. Period. When DH is sitting on his butt and the kids are screaming and dinner is burning doesn't make me go "Oh well, I got married to make him happy, so this is okay"! LOL (I know that is taking it to extremes, but...
:PAnd i agree with Erin too. this isn't a one size fits all cure to every relationship. And at the same time I think that society as a whole is rather selfish at times and we could be a lot better off if we considered how our actions affect others.
Again I am so sick of these types of things popping up on FB, etc. I guess at least this isn't yet another article on how I suck as a mom because I don't enjoy every single second of every single thing
Yup - this is how I see it, too. I agree that I want to make my husband happy - but I want to be happy, too. And, in the end, only YOU can make yourself happy.
As Beth said, and we can allll attest to I'm sure - marriage is hard work. It's give and take - and sometimes that scale is unbalanced pretty heavily and for a long time, too. But, if you're doing it for the same goal in the long run, you have to stick it out and make it work. Oh and it's not just about making the spouse happy, too, when you have kids.
My three sons!
Marriage is TWO people. So yes, being married is about my husband, but it is also every bit as much about me. What also annoys me is the idea that focusing on your happiness = being selfish.
I also got the impression that he cheated on her. I can assure you that this bullsh!t: "Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul." would never even occur to me as an appropriate response to the news of being cheated on. If that makes me the Queen of selfish beeyotches, I will wear that crown proudly.
Seriously, that's the first thing I thought, is that it made my stomach turn and sounded like such dated advice. I mean, I get it to a degree...when you enter a marriage, your life is no longer about just YOU anymore. it's the person you're marrying, their families, your future kids...I get that part. But is it ALL about them? no, of course not. And I don't expect my husband to think that either, and push aside his own happiness and focus solely on mine.
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
I think this advice can lead to a healthy marriage, but only if both partners subscribe to this idea. I think the idea is basic and not new or revolutionary and is part of the basis for a very faith based marriage.
I think it comes down to loving the other person so much that it makes you happy to make them happy, and for it to work long term, the reverse has to be true. Your spouse needs to love you so much that it makes them happy to make you happy. With this arrangement, no one person in the marriage should feel slighted (from an overall satisfaction perspective, not on individual instances.)
Marriage will always be a give and take. It won't always be even, and essentially at some point someone is going to spend a period of time being an a**hole--but overall if both parties are less selfish then the marriage should have more balance.
And frankly, the fact that he pretty much disclosed that he cheated on his wife made me disregard anything he said before that. Not that cheating automatically makes someone a terrible person, but how are you going to sit down at a computer & write an article about how you've found the secret to a happy marriage, and then turn around & divulge that you already strayed after less than 2 years??
~X(
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
And frankly, the fact that he pretty much disclosed that he cheated on his wife made me disregard anything he said before that. Not that cheating automatically makes someone a terrible person, but how are you going to sit down at a computer & write an article about how you've found the secret to a happy marriage, and then turn around & divulge that you already strayed after less than 2 years??
~X(
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
I can see this being the kind of advice you would maybe give to someone who is already married and having a difficult time compromising on something with their spouse, but I do not see this as good advice to give to your child (or anyone, really) who shares with you their "paralyzing fear" about getting married.
On the one hand, I do think that this sort of perspective - it's not just about you anymore, and your desire should be for the good of the other person - is a big key to a successful marriage. I always tell couples that if they base their marriage on 50%/50% they are going to be disappointed, because as soon as one person fails to give 50% then things fall apart. I usually say that if they always strive to give 100% that there will be grace to fill in the gaps when one person can't give 100%. (And there are plenty of times this is the case.) The term I usually use is mutual submission, or mutual servanthood. Wife submits to husband out of love and respect for him, but husband loves and respects wife so much that he wants what is best for her above all else, and so he puts her needs/feelings/desires above his own. Each person in a marriage should strive to serve their spouse. (And that "submit" word has lot of baggage attached to it...I'm not suggesting a 1950's doormat wife, at all! The key here is MUTUAL.) It should be give and take for each partner with a healthy dose of what is good for BOTH of us, together as a unit, rather than individuals.
BUT, while I think that this is a key to success in marriage, I don't think it is a reason to get married. I think you need to be secure and happy with who you are as a person before you can enter into a life-long relationship. If you depend on your spouse to "complete" you or to make you happy, you will be disappointed, because no one will be able to live up to your expectations.
It has been a few days since I've read the article, but I did like the removal of self-centeredness from the marriage relationship. But I don't know that this is necessarily good counsel as a reason to get married. You should want and desire to spend your life with someone. You should marry because you are better together than you are apart. It is good (and Biblical) to delight in the other person. That sort of happiness should be mutual, too.
see I see it as not that YOU are supposed to be able to excuse his laziness, but that HE should read it to see that HE needs to be helping to MAKE YOU HAPPY. Please note that it is a man that wrote it. That being said he has probably been nagged cried too and B!tched at like mine has about how I need help and I work too and do ABC and what is he doing in his "free time".
WE are not the problem THEY need to read it. There for I think it is a good read. We recently had a HUGE conversation about me needing help and I actually called him selfish. I wanted to share this to him, but it wouldnt' let me do it in a private message and I didn't want it on his wall.
Married, September 23, 2006
Married, September 23, 2006
Nope. First line of the article
"Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me."
http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/
Married, September 23, 2006
Married, September 23, 2006
The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
His writing is all over the place, so I also found it difficult to follow. At first I cut him some slack, since I figured he wasn't a writer and didn't intend for this to make it all over FB...but then I read he is trying to publish 3 books, so I am okay with commenting on his lack of writing skills.
:x