Issue with BIL's close friend and our family

November42 · November 2013

Thanks for all your input, I think we've resolved our issue.

JemmaWRX · November 2013

For starters, I'd toughen up a bit. I can understand being hurt by your BIL's comments. But this woman? Forget it. Don't let her affect you. She sounds like a total ass and rather than let her ruffle your feathers you should pity her. Don't engage. Let her think she's got the upper hand, that you're "childish and immature." Who fucking cares what she thinks? If you do nothing and protect yourself, you're doing the right thing. Regardless of what she believes.

Now, since your BIL is living with you and I'm assuming paying rent, bills, etc. he has the right to have to people over, including this woman. It would be nice if he had the fucking sense NOT to have her over but what can you do? When she comes over, leave. If he wants you to go out together, don't. There's no sense in putting yourself in situations that make you uncomfortable.

Are you guys able to move into your own place or ask BIL to leave? Your BIL is being a dick and if you're helping him by letting him live with you, that arrangement should end.

Ultimately, you need to shake it off. Don't let this bitch get under your skin. It's not worth your energy.

Disneygeek77 · November 2013

Well, are you a bitch ? Are you being childish and immature ? If you know you are not, then that is all that matters.

Here is an important life lesson. Just because someone says you are dumb or stupid or fat or ugly or a bad person, that doesn't mean you are.

Stop worrying so much about what she thinks of you. She doesn't like you. Time to accept it and move on and probably move out.

VOR · November 2013

Disneygeek77 said:

Well, are you a bitch ? Are you being childish and immature ? If you know you are not, then that is all that matters.
Here is an important life lesson. Just because someone says you are dumb or stupid or fat or ugly or a bad person, that doesn't mean you are.
Stop worrying so much about what she thinks of you. She doesn't like you. Time to accept it and move on and probably move out.

This is largely where I'm at. Why do you care what she says if you know it isn't true? You're giving this woman a lot of power in your life.

Past that - I would suggest you and your DH start to come up w/ a game plan to stop living w/ BIL. If this relationship continues, AND If he seriously can't clean up after himself (that's about HIM, by the way. Not her. HIS home, HIS responsibility to clean) - perhaps this is a living situation that just isn't working anymore.

And to this:

"We are close and we are protective of each other, but we are particularly protective of BIL where this girl is concerned because we know from experience she can be big trouble. "

Come on now. He's an adult. Why are you and your DH trying to "protect" him? Repeat - HE'S AN ADULT!!!!! If he wants to date her, that's what HE wants. Its' really not your place to protect him.

And it also kind of sounds a little ridiculous. HE sure as heck isn't worried about "protecting" you from her, is he? So why do you feel you need to protect him?

tiffanysbride · November 2013

Look you need to toughen up. Why did you clean? Your DH should have said, BIL clean up our flat this is gross and disrespectful. Does he even pay rent? Really, you need to sit down and get some things straight. Your flat your rules, he can deal with it or get out.

Second, who cares what some girl said about you. Your BIL and friend can vent, was he dumb about it, yes. Does it matter, no. Everyone vents, move on. It is not your BIL's job to stick up for you, not his place. If she comes to your home and is disrespectful, your DH needs to step up and tell her to leave and not return. Then he needs to talk to his brother. Stop hanging out with them outside of the flat, this may be a case of too much time together.

tiffanysbride · November 2013

Just wanted to add, it is not your job to help BIL save for his PHD. If living together is not working get a new place without him.

Sillygirl45 · November 2013

I wouldn't worry about protecting BIL from this girl. He's a big boy. He can figure it out.

I wouldn't have cleaned up and not said anything. You should be able to come home with it in the same condition you left it.

Beyond that, you don't need to engage with this girl. They can say whatever they want about you. That's really not your business. If you didn't want to know, you shouldn't have read the conversation.

It sounds like it is his flat you are living in? Of not, he needs to go. If so, you and your H need to go. Helping him save money is not your responsibility. I don't understand married people living with others and thinking it is going to work out.

I also don't understand why you insist on inserting yourself into BIL's personal life. Let him figure it out.

November42 · November 2013

Thanks for your help everyone. Just a few things to clear up:

BIL left college and moved in with us, he got a job and pays rent etc and the flat is as much his as it is ours, so yes we're fine with him having people round and stuff generally.

We are a very close family with a strong bond. This is why we are protective, plus the fact that he has a mental health condition and needs a heck of a lot of support. He has been emotionally abused and controlled by a woman in his last relationship, which ended 4 years ago. My husband is worried the same thing is happening again. The last time, BIL fell into a massive depression, gave up on life and tried to commit suicide. His family (especially my husband) were there for him through everything.

I'm also not at my strongest as I suffer from anxiety and depression, and am particulary sensitive to what people think of me as I have low self esteem. I am getting help for it but am nowhere near ok yet.

I am not a bitch, I have a lot of love to give and try to take care of people, I know deep down I have never done anything insensitive or bitchy where my BIL or the other woman is concerned.

The thing that has most upset me is not necessarily her comments, but the fact that my BIL wants to spend time with her even after this and thinks it ok to bring her to our flat 2 nights later after I hit rock bottom and am feeling incredibly fragile, and knowing the things she is capable of saying about his family. To me that's totally out of order, and if someone spoke about my family like that I would not want them around me until they sorted out their attitude.

The outcome of last night was my husband took me out because he didn't think being in the situation would do me any good and I agreed. We returned home late and she was still there, so I popped my head around the door, said hi and asked if they wanted a drink, then excused myself to go to bed as I had church in the morning. It was fine, I hate confrontation and that was what I was worried about. We have seen a one bed place up for rent nearby and are thinking of mentioning it to BIL.

JemmaWRX · November 2013

November42 said:

The thing that has most upset me is not necessarily her comments, but the fact that my BIL wants to spend time with her even after this and thinks it ok to bring her to our flat 2 nights later after I hit rock bottom and am feeling incredibly fragile, and knowing the things she is capable of saying about his family. To me that's totally out of order, and if someone spoke about my family like that I would not want them around me until they sorted out their attitude.

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To the bolded - Wow! You're giving this woman a lot of power here. Her comments or actions towards you should NOT make you feel this way. I know you said you're suffering from anxiety/depression and I'm sorry it's made you feel that way. I don't know what you're doing to work on it, but keep at it. That's a terrible way to live.

In the meantime, just talk to your BIL about how you're feeling. He's being a butthead bringing this woman around. It's as simple as asking the question. "BIL, given everything that's happened between us, I would feel more comfortable if she wasn't in our home. Is this something you can do for me?" Worst case scenario he says "no."

I'd really consider asking him to move into his own place. I understand your concerns about him but it's still his life to live. You can't spend the rest of your life looking after him, worrying about who's in his life, trying to police his activities, etc. I imagine this is not helping your anxiety. You have an obligation to you. Your husband has an obligation to you. If your BIL moving out alleviates some of your anxieties, ask him to leave.

Good luck to all of you.

ETA - I hate being stuck in the damn quote tree!

EastCoastBride · November 2013

The more I read, you all sound less "protective" of each other and more enmeshed.

tiffanysbride · November 2013

It's not his flat, it's yours and he moved in with you. You and your DH would be the primary on the lease, correct? First, your BIL needs to be responsible for himself, no matter his mental state. What happened to him was 4 years ago, you can be supportive without enabling. Enabling someone in the name of helping cripples them. Second, your mental health is clearly in jeopardy and takes precedence over anything else.

TarponMonoxide · November 2013

If the passing comment was to BIL about his mess, SURE you are manipulative and bitchy!

That's because you spoke up and commented on the mess.

He cannot have her over at your place anymore....that's the bottom line. (and I would have made HIM clean up the mess that was made. You're not his maid and concierge, btw ---let him get the newsflash)

It may be time to bid BIL adieu. Let him go rent a place with somebody else to share expenses.

Sorry for your troiubles. BIL has overstayed his welcome, and quite rudely, I might add.

Ilumine · November 2013

"I made a passing comment that I'd cleaned up seven bowls from the front room, but did not make a big deal out of the actual scale of the stuff I'd cleaned/done"

To be honest with you, you WERE a passive-agressive bitch here. You are smothering him like a parent not an inlaw/sibling/friend

Instead of being a mature adult and addressing the issue head on, you cleaned up, played the martyr and made a self-serving, but not productive comment. And then you get pissy and manipulative (ie cry and moan) when your self-sacrifice is not met with the appropriate consideration.

Why the hell didnt you (or at least your DH) immediately address the issue with your BIL the minute you walked into the house? Why didn't you treat him like an adult vs a child?

Oh that's right you are trying to "protect him". Well guess what, you are not helping him, you are enabling him. HE made the mess, not this girl. HE choose to not clean up his house, not the girl. HE was having a private conversation with someone, not snooping, like you. He chose to drop out of school, not this girl. He is choosing to not get help, not this girl.

To be honest, this girl seems to be right.

Tofumonkey · November 2013

Illumine is usually pretty dead on with this stuff. Direct, but accurate.

OP - you need to put the blame where it belongs, you are excusing all of his actions for him. Why?

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