Sex & Romance
TLD2812
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My husband isn't interested in sex... ever!
Sorry for the long post, but there is a lot of background info to go with my post... My husband and I have been married for almost 3 yrs now and have been together for 5.5yrs. When we first started dating he was a virgin (which I didnt find out about until a long time later). So it makes sense that we had sex ALL the time then... after we had been dating for about 7mths I had to have surgery for appendicitis. During my recovery, he kept wanting sex but I would turn him down as I was in pain and still recovering from surgery (I had actually had surgery twice as the 1st time they didnt take my appendix because they though it was the problem). anyway... since then our sex life has slowly deteriorated. About 6mths before our wedding we just werent doing it at all anymore, and when I wanted it he would turn me away every time. We would fight about it and he would still never make any advances and would turn me down. I thought he was getting cold feet, or having an affair or something.... so out wedding came around like most newly weds on their honeymoon, you couldnt stop us and we couldnt get enough of each other!! but as soon as we were back home and back to work etc, nothing again... Then he started on some medication as he gets horrible upset stomachs, but the medication for it is also an anti-depressant... once he was on them, he would even have trouble getting aroused and when he could, he wouldnt be able to finish. so back to the DR and changed the medication and that was all sorted out. Anyway, we decided we were going to start trying for a baby, but he still wouldnt want sex, (I think he thought the stork would drop it off or something)... and when we would have sex it was like a chore, then finish, roll over go to sleep - no romance in it. We had a massive fight and decided we were going to stop trying and sort ourselves out... make up sex later and I was pregnant... during the pregnancy, he had every excuse under the sun to not have sex, even told me that my belly just didnt do it for him! So, now bub is 10mths old, I can't eve tell you the last time my husband made the 1st move for sex, when I do convince him to have sex it is actually horrible... he just lays there and doesnt touch me, then goes for it and goes to sleep. he never kisses me, and if I try and be flirty or sneaky he is not interested. a perfect example the other night he was watching tv ( a repeat I might add), I got in my best underwear and nightie and came out making all the moves and he told me I was invading his space!! Please help!!! What's wrong with me? or him? How can I fix things? Have I let it go on too long??
Re: My husband isn't interested in sex... ever!
I would have told him to go invade the open front door and to invade the space outside of it FOR GOOD.
You will have to talk to him.
Do it this weekend. Have somebody watch the kiddo and you and he talk at length.
His opting out of this little fireside chat is NOT an option.
He is to fully participate and he is to be honest with you.
If it turns out he simply is not interested in you sexually, you must decide where to go from here.
You did not marry to have a sexless relationship.
I am betting that this relationship was over quite some time ago -- if this is the case, he should have called off the wedding. Not fair to you to lead you on and not fair to you to let you think you were getting a husband and partner in mind, body and soul.
If he isn't interested in sex anymore you can:
Get divorced
See if he will permit an open marriage for you
Or accept the fact that the bedroom door is closed and stay married to him anyway, without the option of open marriage.
I personally would not stay with a guy who is not sexually compatible with me.
The decision is yours.
It could very well be he was never much of a sexual kind of guy once he started to have sex with you. Or perhaps he is asexual.
Or it could be he is horrifically conflicted about sex -- could be anything -- but what it is for certain: he's not sexually compatible with you.
You make an informed and wise decision and one that puts yourself FIRST. GL.
His job as a husband is to make certain you are happy and satified in all areas of your marriage and that includes in the bedroom. Pretty much the same way it's your obligation to make sure your husband is happy in every way.
He owes it to you to work on this problem with you. No questions asked, no ifs ands or buts. It's a GIVEN.
That he isn't bothering to make sure you are happy is not good news.
"I don't know" and other evasive little phrases won't work. Not acceptable.
It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. He's part of the problem, if not 100% of it.
Have another talk with him -- and give him a deadline to get busy.
If he doesn't get busy by then, show him the door.
You can also ask him to let you have the option of an open marriage, as I stated. Then again, if you get the option of an open marriage, you are still married to somebody who doesn't give a dang about YOUR happiness. That's a glaring hole in the entire fabric.
The decision is yours. Don't blame yourself for what is wrong; he is the one who is obligated to help rectify the problem. if he won't, this is now a character issue -- and that's a bigger issue than a "he won't have sex" issue.
The big problem here:
You and he are not sexually compatible.
The fact that he won't do anything to make sure you are sexually satisfied is also a big problem (and this is why it's not such a splendid idea to date a virgin -- ha; this is starting to sound like that episode of Seinfeld --- ever seen that show and seen that episode?). It very well, as I said, can be he was never a sexual kind of guy and it is very possible that his sex drive is extremely low.
And even so, he cannot absolutely manage at least once a week for sex with you????
That is NOT asking for the world!
But apparently, you are asking for the world -- and that's where he's got problems making sure you get what you want and need.
Another suggestion I have: see a sex therapist on your own and bounce this entire issue off him or her. See what other insights you can pick up.
His masturbation isn't a trickle down effect on "you" or whatever you want to call it. It is extrinsic of the problem the 2 of you are having.
Why in the world didn't you offer a hand, so to speak???
See a sex therapist, as I suggested. Tell that person what you told us and see what kind of advice and input you get.
You didn't get married to be in a no-sex relationship.
If you say it is "often", maybe we are talking about a possible masturbation addiction: don't laugh; there is such a thing. (he might be doing it even more than you have discovered, or maybe he's at the norm for masturbation; only he knows how much and how often each day; this is why I said it's a maybe for an addiction)
Why didn't you jump into that shower with him and offer a hand? How can a guy possibly say no to that?
If sex is important to you, you won't accept no for an answer. It is his duty and responsibility to ensure you are happy on all fronts. That he won't lift a finger (so to speak) to make sure you're happy in the bedroom is a very glaring character deficit.
Talk to him again and do it when you and he have a good chunk of time available, with no interruptions. Demand honesty and demand a solution.
And if he won't ante up -- and the idea of an open marriage isn't for you --- consider showing him the door.
You could insist on a therapist for the both of you jointly to see (marriage counselor and sex therapist) but it is very likely he will say no to one or both. Not a good portent, even if you make it a must and mandatory that he attend and he says no.
Counseling for you; you go alone (to both a regular counselor and a sex therapist -- to discuss the topic of why your H is so stingy and so sparkless in the bedroom) it'll help you immensely.
It's not too surprising that he will not put the problem right and does not want you to have an open marriage......He's getting just what he wants it seems....and what he wants is to hand out mental and emotional stress to you.......
The real questions are...1) Why.....& 2) Can it be healed.
I don't know what his upbringing was -- maybe he came from a highly religious home or a home where sex was not spoken about and a forbidden topic.
And it slays me that he wouldn't even tell you he was a virgin when you were dating him. Where is the communication here? Was this all based on shame or some kind of foolish pride or "territory"? Positively nothing wrong with being a virgin. Maybe he never admitted it because he was afraid you'd think "Wow, what a weirdo" and you'd run like hell.
Only he can tell you why he did what he did or why he is doing what he is doing.
Honesty and communication are key here. If he can't even give that much to his wife and mother of his kids, pretty bad.:(