Bad Temper

rachieb7788 · November 2013

I have been married to my husband for a year and half and have known him for 5. My husband is usually a doll, but sometimes he has a really bad temper. His temper flares up when I ask him to clean up his things or to do a simple favor. One of my biggest pet peeves is when he huffs and puffs, or moans and groans. For example, if I ask him to get me a glass of water when I'm working hard, he will go do it, but he will make some noise as he leaves. I try not to be vindictive, but sometimes I want to react the same way to see how he feels. I have told him not to do these things because they upset me and he will reply, "I wasn't doing that." Agh! Yes you were!

Often when we visit his parents house he gets very defensive and rude for no reason. I noticed this in our most recent visit to his parents where he was saying things that were downright offensive. Sometimes his dad is judgmental and often acts "macho". He isn't the most friendly, but we should respect him. When we were driving home, I brought it up and asked if his reaction was some sort of defense mechanism. He said, "Not sure, probably, I have always had trouble with my dad."

I don't want to keep nagging him about his temper, but would like some strategies to manage it. We don't have children yet, but would love to find ways to channel his temper into something positive. Usually when he has a bad temper, I'll walk away from the situation and find something else to do.

doeydo · November 2013

Perhaps counselling/anger management would help.

Edit to fix grammar

tiffanysbride · November 2013

I don't get bad temper from what you are describing. To your first example, maybe he is busy and doesn't feel like getting you something but does it anyway. Should he say no I am busy or do it without complaint, of course. Maybe he doesn't want to pick up or do you a favor but does b/c he doesn't want you to nag or mother him. Not saying you are but I wonder if that is the dynamic from what you've posted.

As to his family, it's HIS family leave it alone. Honesty if DH tried to dictate how I relate to my family I would be pissed. Sounds like there are past issues that make a close relationship impossible, let him sort of his emotions towards them on his own. And no he doesn't have to be your version on respectful to his parents. Do you know why he has a hard time with his father? Has he opened up fully to you? This is one of those situations where you let him dictate the type of relationship you have with his family. Be supportive and allow him the ability to express his emotions not curtail them.

Again I don't see this as a bad temper I see it as expressing anger. There is nothing wrong with being angry sometimes and it is better then holding it in and becoming resentful. However if he is anger then walking away is always a good strategy. Sometimes people need to calm down and figure out why they are mad in order to express themselves in a productive and non hurtful way. If you really think it is a problem then maybe work on your communication skills with each other.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

tiffanysbride said:

I don't get bad temper from what you are describing. To your first example, maybe he is busy and doesn't feel like getting you something but does it anyway. Should he say no I am busy or do it without complaint, of course. Maybe he doesn't want to pick up or do you a favor but does b/c he doesn't want you to nag or mother him. Not saying you are but I wonder if that is the dynamic from what you've posted.

As to his family, it's HIS family leave it alone. Honesty if DH tried to dictate how I relate to my family I would be pissed. Sounds like there are past issues that make a close relationship impossible, let him sort of his emotions towards them on his own. And no he doesn't have to be your version on respectful to his parents. Do you know why he has a hard time with his father? Has he opened up fully to you? This is one of those situations where you let him dictate the type of relationship you have with his family. Be supportive and allow him the ability to express his emotions not curtail them.

Again I don't see this as a bad temper I see it as expressing anger. There is nothing wrong with being angry sometimes and it is better then holding it in and becoming resentful. However if he is anger then walking away is always a good strategy. Sometimes people need to calm down and figure out why they are mad in order to express themselves in a productive and non hurtful way. If you really think it is a problem then maybe work on your communication skills with each other.

This is kind of where I'm falling. I'm not seeing "temper" here. Am I seeing "kinda being a jerk, maybe"? Yes. You ask him to do something and he gets huffy? That's annoying. But it's not a "bad temper".

If you have more examples, I'd love to hear them.

And hell, on the family thing, I can't agree w/ tiffanysbride more. Leave it alone. As soon as I read "He isn't the most friendly, but we should respect him", my skin kind of crawled. This isn't your place to judge or dictate to your DH how to handle his parents.

If he's an out and out asshole to his parents for no obviously reason, o.k., let's talk. But it sounds like his dad can be an ass, and your DH has a LOT LOT LOT of history there - probably a lot that you dont' know about. Or even that your DH can fully identify.

It is NOT your place to come in and tell your DH how to deal w/ his parents. All in the name of "but we have to respect them!". Um, no. Some people don't necessarily deserve respect "just because".

moniciji · November 2013

Wow...I bet that's hard to deal with but given you love him I know you put up with it. Maybe try sitting him down in a "happy environment"...his fav music or cook his favorite food and tell him you want to have a serious convo with him and gently bring up how the way he acts makes you feel...and maybe other around him that he loves. Tell him you love him and this is why you are telling him this and want yall to last, plus it's for his own good. I speak as someone who used to be the same way...always on the defense and kind of "complainy" when it comes to doing things for others. There was a deeper root..well a combo of different things that caused my anger. I wasn't happy in a few aspects of life.... also have ADHD which puts you on edge anyway. I hope all turns out well with you two! Good luck!

JemmaWRX · November 2013

Yeah, I'm not exactly getting "bad temper" from your examples. It's definitely passive aggressive and surely annoying for you. But I don't think pissing and moaning equates to ill-tempered behavior. How frequently does this happen? Is it every time you ask him for help? Every once in a while? Are you asking at bad times?

Regarding his parents... they are his parents and they have their own dynamic. Do not try to change it. It's a losing battle. Frankly, you're overstepping your bounds. Years ago, when my husband and I started dating I HATED the way he treated his Mom (he would completely ignore her, not even acknowledge that she was speaking). I remember talking to him about it, and saying "You're so mean, you should treat her better, you don't listen to a word she says" and so on. Now, years later, I understand WHY he does it and I handle her the same way (long story!).

I know you mentioned in the other thread you go to therapy, right? Do you ever talk about expectations? I wonder if your expectations of your husband are too high. He gets huffy once in a while? Big deal. I'd be lying if I told you I never snapped at my husband before. That doesn't mean I have a bad temper.

TarponMonoxide · November 2013

rachieb7788 said:

I have been married to my husband for a year and half and have known him for 5. My husband is usually a doll, but sometimes he has a really bad temper. His temper flares up when I ask him to clean up his things or to do a simple favor. One of my biggest pet peeves is when he huffs and puffs, or moans and groans. For example, if I ask him to get me a glass of water when I'm working hard, he will go do it, but he will make some noise as he leaves. I try not to be vindictive, but sometimes I want to react the same way to see how he feels. I have told him not to do these things because they upset me and he will reply, "I wasn't doing that." Agh! Yes you were!

Often when we visit his parents house he gets very defensive and rude for no reason. I noticed this in our most recent visit to his parents where he was saying things that were downright offensive. Sometimes his dad is judgmental and often acts "macho". He isn't the most friendly, but we should respect him. When we were driving home, I brought it up and asked if his reaction was some sort of defense mechanism. He said, "Not sure, probably, I have always had trouble with my dad."

I don't want to keep nagging him about his temper, but would like some strategies to manage it. We don't have children yet, but would love to find ways to channel his temper into something positive. Usually when he has a bad temper, I'll walk away from the situation and find something else to do.

How old is this fine little boy???

Really? He puts on an act and he pouts when you ask him to do something?

He needs to get over himself.

Rather immature; counseling might help, but I don't know how a counselor can get him to be a full grouwn adult.

Leftie22 · November 2013

I agree with PPs who said to butt out with his family. It took me a long time to understand how my DH interacts with his family, but once I got to know them, it all made sense. You have no idea what might have happened between your DH and his father. And people don't deserve respect just because they're older. Respect is something you earn by treating people properly. As for the huffing and puffing, it sounds like good ol' passive aggressive sulking to me. Try to ignore it, since it's not major. Or, just get the water yourself. Maybe he'll see that and be embarrassed that he overreacted. Save your worry about anger for a true outburst, not childish sulking. If he really is showing anger in a way that scares you, talk to him and a counsellor.

rachieb7788 · November 2013

Thanks everyone for the replies! I do realize that there are certainly things I can do on my own. When I ask for a small favor, it would be nice without the passive aggressiveness (which I now realize this is more correct than "bad temper"). The more I think about his family, the more I realize that this is a learned behavior from his family. His dad reacts the same way if ANYTHING is asked of him. After talking with DH, he is becoming more involved in picking up after himself, which makes me happy. We are behaving more as a couple rather than a parent and a child. He has never been angry (abusive or yelling), just huffy and passive aggressive. I think I'll leave his parent situations alone and try to keep the peace as much as possible. I have been attending therapy for a month now, mostly for my own personal problems with codependency. Slowly, I am detaching, but it takes a long time and a lot of hard work. I've asked him if he would attend counseling as a couple and he said he wasn't sure yet. He also has communication problems, but those are slowly becoming better. @jemmaWRX: I know I have high expectations, it's part of my personality. I'm also trying to lower them a bit. For now, I have a few strategies from you ladies, so thank you for the suggestions!

rachieb7788 · November 2013

Thanks everyone for the replies! I do realize that there are certainly things I can do on my own. When I ask for a small favor, it would be nice without the passive aggressiveness (which I now realize this is more correct than "bad temper"). The more I think about his family, the more I realize that this is a learned behavior from his family. His dad reacts the same way if ANYTHING is asked of him. After talking with DH, he is becoming more involved in picking up after himself, which makes me happy. We are behaving more as a couple rather than a parent and a child. He has never been angry (abusive or yelling), just huffy and passive aggressive. I think I'll leave his parent situations alone and try to keep the peace as much as possible. I have been attending therapy for a month now, mostly for my own personal problems with codependency. Slowly, I am detaching, but it takes a long time and a lot of hard work. I've asked him if he would attend counseling as a couple and he said he wasn't sure yet. He also has communication problems, but those are slowly becoming better. @jemmaWRX: I know I have high expectations, it's part of my personality. I'm also trying to lower them a bit. For now, I have a few strategies from you ladies, so thank you for the suggestions!

Bad Temper

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