Advice for discussing death with a 4 year old and other similar questions

billiburrows · November 2013

My mom was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago. we have been very lucky to have her with us this long but the end is now coming. she was given 3-6 months to live. i have lots of things going through my mind right now about it and wanted to ask you girls for your advice:

1. how to discuss this with my 4 year old? we never did tell him she was sick because she has been doing so well up until now. any books or something you can recommend?

2. any suggestions on what to do in these last months? a family trip is out of the question probably. i was thinking maybe a family photo. maybe doing lots of video recordings... i have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. makes me so sad he'll never know her. what else could we do...

3. i was trying to think of something her friends and extended family could do as i know they will all be very willing/eager. the only thing i can think of is ask that everyone send her a card saying how they feel about her or something to that effect so she can know how much she is loved in these last few months. i've heard of people throwing parties to say their goodbyes. i can ask my mom if she would like something like this but i have a feeling she will not be interested. any other ideas?

i've been thinking about these kinds of things off and on for the last 4 years but now its time to really do something.... thanks in advance for any suggestions of things you've seen/heard of or had experience with.

bride2003 · November 2013

I'm so sorry for you and your mom. I lost mine to cancer a few months after my wedding 10 yrs ago and it saddens me all the time that my kids never knew her.

As for explaining to the 4 yr old I take the honest approach that she is sick and that her medicine isn't working - so we have to really show her how much we love her right now. When you start to see the decline (and you will know) then you can explain further about death - if you are religious then your pastor or priest may be able to help. I'm sure there are books out there but I don't know of any specific ones, sorry.

With respect to #2&3 I don't know other than make sure you reach out to her friends and let them know. Many of my moms came to see her in her last weeks & month. Some didn't know and were upset. Cards are great. My mom turned fairly quickly so she wasn't healthy enough to travel or do much of anything so it was more just spending lots of time with her and letting her do whatever she wanted.

My sister did make her a photo book from her friends, family & us for the mother's day before she died so that was nice for her.

Ugh, its so hard. Hang in there - big hugs to you. Post if you need anything.

Sheila

sarahandtim · November 2013

No advice, but I'm so very sorry to hear this.

kris356 · November 2013

No advice either, but I am so sorry.

northhillsbride · November 2013

Ach, I'm so sorry. My husband lost his Mom to cancer 4 months after our wedding and it makes us both sad that our kids will never know what a great Mom/Grandmom she was.

I think Sheila's advice is wonderful. *hugs* to you and your family right now

smynings_bride · November 2013

I'm very sorry, I lost my dad a year before I got married and know how heartbreaking it is for your parent not to get to watch your kids grow up.

My daughter is a little over 3 and my stepfather passed away in August. The last time she saw him was a month before he passed (from cancer) and it was upsetting for her because he looked very different at that point. She wouldn't go near him or interact with him. She had seen him 3 months earlier and was fine even though he was very thin. Maybe it would have been different if she saw him more regularly but I think you need to be mindful that your child may be upset by the difference in appearance as someone goes through the death process.

As far as what to tell him, I think it's okay to tell him that she's sick. I'm not sure I'd go further in terms of telling him that he needs to say goodbye per se.

My daughter rarely asks for my stepfather since seeing him quite ill, but when she does we tell her he's in heaven and is now her guardian angel. That seems to satisfy her.

As far a goodbyes and how to handle the last few months, having watched my dad and then stepdad go through the dying process, I learned that people handle their own mortality in very very different ways and you really need to take your cues from them in terms of their comfort level with spending time with others. Family and friends will likely send cards, offer to visit and/or provide meals. I think it's good to take them up on such offers because it makes them feel good to help and it's okay to take the help. Others will shy away, as death scares some people. It doesn't mean they don't care.

For my stepfather, for some reason he didn't want to read anymore even though he was an avid reader before getting sick. He did, however, have a sudden interest in movies. I think he needed the escape. Family and friends loaned my mom all of the dvds from their library so that he could watch a few movies a day. My dad, on the other hand, wanted to read the NY Times until the day before he died and was very interested in current events.

A family photo is a nice idea. It will remind your kids of how much your mom loved them even if they don't remember the photo being taken.

The best advice anyone gave me was to find a hospice before my father was sick enough to need one (my parents were divorced so I was the decision-maker). It was great advice someone who is dying can take a turn for the worse quite suddenly. Hospice is uniquely equipped to make the dying process as pain free and dignified as possible and they also provide support for the family and friends. The people who work for hospice are angels and it's a different type of care than a hospital can provide. It's all about pain control.

When my stepfather was sick, my mom did the same thing for him in terms of finding a hospice. It helps to have all the paperwork in order so that someone has a power of attorney to make that type of decision without a lot of red tape.

I hope this helps, my thoughts are with you and your family.

MrsAmers · November 2013

Many, many hugs.

We lost my three grandparents and my FIL in a 3 year timeframe. The grandparents were a mixture of sudden and expected deaths. FIL went from knowing he was ill to losing him in a matter of weeks, so we didn't have a lot of time to prepare or do anything special.

We didn't get any books, but we answered all of the kids questions simply and honestly. (They ranged in age from 0 to almost 5 when the deaths occurred, they were 2 and 4 when FIL died.) At this age, questions are more about curiosity than fear (usually) and we didn't hide anything from them. Also, family liked having them around at services to help lighten the mood.

My biggest advice is have DH on board to take over some caregiving when you need to grieve. It is natural that you want to support everyone else, but make sure there are provisions for you to take the time you need for yourself. You can't take care of everyone else and ignore your own needs. I did a lot of solo parenting after FIL died. It was hard, but it was what my DH needed most from me then.

Take care!

BethieB · November 2013

I am so sorry for you and your family and your Mom. I think a family photo is a wonderful idea, and like you said, lots of recordings. And I think a great gesture on the other end is for your family to give your Mom cards with a list of things they love about her - I'm sure she knows you love her, but it may really lift her up to see what everyone lists out and bring smiles to her face.

I agree that saying Grandma is sick and her medicine isn't working would be the best cousre of action. Ask the hospital social worker for any advise as well.

You will be in my prayers. Many ((((hugs)))) to you!

AmandaJLewis · November 2013

I am so sorry. We have had to explain a lot of death/illness to Eleni, particularly in 2011. My mom was diagnosed with cancer, and we had 3 deaths in the family and her great grandpap needed surgery and we were not sure if he would survive that. So she would have been 3-4 years old. I found that keeping the discussion simple was best for the both of us. I would try to answer her questions as best I could. I also prepared her for when we visited great grandpap in the hospital, and what it would look like before we went. And about my mom's hair falling out, explaining that she was very sick and they had to give her some special strong medicine to make her better but that her hair did not like that medicine so it decided to go away. But it would come back when she was done with her medicine.
We had very close family friend die from cancer, and a week or two before his passing they had a "retirement party". During which he leaned over to his wife and said something to the effect of us all attending his wake. It was a celebration of his life and gave us all a chance to say goodbye. I still get choked up thinking about it. he was a special guy. But like a previous poster said, everyone wants to deal with their death in their own way. So talk to your mom. see how she would like to proceed.
((hugs))

Meghan&Rich · November 2013

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear this. Lots of good thoughts, strength, and peace to you and your family.

Luckystar2 · November 2013

I wanted to say Im sorry too. I don't really have any advice either. We've had some death discussions because of a pet death but that's about it. I find that just being open and willing to answer questions is helpful for dd.

bride2003 · November 2013

Also, your son may have alot of questions & you may not have the answers (or what you think is the "right" answer) and that's OK. Let him ask and you can say "you know what sweetie, I don't know that answer but we can find out from (so & so) or find out later or whatever. I think the most important part with a little one is not to make it seem like its something they shouldn't talk or ask about b/c that can scare them or lead them to think its a scary thing. Its a part of life and happens to all of us (not saying you should tell him this at 4) but to reassure him that even though your mom's appearance may change, her heart and love for him hasn't.

something else you may want to do...

Ask him something he loved to do with her and see if he wants to do it (i.e. play a certain game) and keep that memory alive for him so when he does go to do it in the future say "remember when you & Grandma used to do this - that was so fun"! And I bet in years to come he will start saying that to you when he remembers. Or tell him a story about what your mom did for YOU when you were his age (maybe a tradition you kept) and if you keep talking about it then maybe when he gets older he will remind you about it. I know my kids do that for me. My 8 yr old will say "mom didn't your mom used to do this with you when you were younger" simply b/c I've talked about it. So he may not know her as you did or as his grandma for very long but he can get a sense of what she was like as a mom to you. Hope that makes sense, sorry so long...

kris356 · November 2013

smynings_bride said:

The best advice anyone gave me was to find a hospice before my father was sick enough to need one (my parents were divorced so I was the decision-maker). It was great advice someone who is dying can take a turn for the worse quite suddenly. Hospice is uniquely equipped to make the dying process as pain free and dignified as possible and they also provide support for the family and friends. The people who work for hospice are angels and it's a different type of care than a hospital can provide. It's all about pain control.

I agree with this 100%. My grandfather passed away in August and my grandma said that the hospice was amazing. They handled everything and when he did pass away, they took care of everything for her.

Again, I am so sorry. ((hugs))

billiburrows · November 2013

Thanks ladies for your advice and kind words. i really appreciate it.

egpitt22 · November 2013

No suggestions, but just wanted to say that your family will be in my thoughts.

LittleD8081 · November 2013

I don't know which is worse, losing a mother suddenly (like I did last month), or losing one slowly and watching the decline. I think it's amazing that you are thinking about your children right now and how to keep things alive for them. I find myself everyday saying things to my kids about my mom, and they me. The recordings of her voice that I have are the best.

I wish I had more. I wish I had more videos. I wish I had more pictures. But, the truth is, I've got tons. It just never feels like enough because she's not here anymore. I don't think there's a perfect way to squeeze in a lifetime of memories into such a short time period. Whatever you do, know that you are doing this to have good memories. And please, let's talk (I don't know if we're FB friends or not...I thought I was FB friends with most of the nesties, but recently found out that's not true...maybe some defriended me???). FB me if we're not already... You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. (hugs)

valkaz · November 2013

I'm so very sorry. I think Sheila gave you some great advice. Your family will be in my thoughts.

denalea · November 2013

I agree with finding a hospice. I would also suggest that you make funeral arrangements now. (Hospice would prob. help with this. I would be glad to help, too, if I can.) Find a funeral home. Talk about final wishes (burial vs. cremation.) Discuss visitations. This is your chance to ask her what she wants. Discuss the type of service she would want including readings and music and who she would want to officiate. Decide on things like flowers, and urns or caskets now so that you are not (as) emotional. You will know her wishes, you will be able to control the costs a bit more, and you won't be trying to make decisions at a very emotional time. It totally STINKS to have to do it, but I think you'll be glad that when the time comes to say goodbye you won't be as stressed with working out all of the details.

I also agree with letting her friends and family know and giving them the opportunity to say goodbye/how much they love her is good. You (and any siblings) and she will be able to figure out together how to do that - cards; many afternoon tea dates with small groups/individuals; or a big party; or something in between. Amanda is very right that in a sense it is a wake before death...but what a precious gift for someone to know how much they were loved and appreciated before they pass away. You and your family can take comfort in that, too...seeing how cared for your mom is. I think that is one of the hidden blessings of a terminal diagnosis...there is time to process and say goodbye, unlike a sudden death. I don't think one is harder or easier than the other...each has its own difficulties and its own small comforts.

And I agree with just being honest with your children, but don't share more than you need to at any one time. I would focus on the ideas of "we love Gram so much we want to spend as much time as we can with her" more than "Gram is going to die soon." (That sounds callous...I don't mean it that way.) Death is scary, especially because of the unknown timing. I would try not to focus on the end that may come in 3 months, or 6 months, or longer, or shorter.

I think also letting your LO know that it is OK to be sad because saying Goodbye is hard, and it is also OK to be happy/relieved because Gram is no longer sick. (I think it's good for adults to allow themselves to experience both emotions with out guilt, too.)

Nothing about loss is easy...expected or not....young or old or in between...its hard! Give yourself some grace. Give your little one some grace. And know that you are not alone. I will be thinking of you and your family!

denalea · November 2013

I agree with finding a hospice. I would also suggest that you make funeral arrangements now. (Hospice would prob. help with this. I would be glad to help, too, if I can.) Find a funeral home. Talk about final wishes (burial vs. cremation.) Discuss visitations. This is your chance to ask her what she wants. Discuss the type of service she would want including readings and music and who she would want to officiate. Decide on things like flowers, and urns or caskets now so that you are not (as) emotional. You will know her wishes, you will be able to control the costs a bit more, and you won't be trying to make decisions at a very emotional time. It totally STINKS to have to do it, but I think you'll be glad that when the time comes to say goodbye you won't be as stressed with working out all of the details.

I also agree with letting her friends and family know and giving them the opportunity to say goodbye/how much they love her is good. You (and any siblings) and she will be able to figure out together how to do that - cards; many afternoon tea dates with small groups/individuals; or a big party; or something in between. Amanda is very right that in a sense it is a wake before death...but what a precious gift for someone to know how much they were loved and appreciated before they pass away. You and your family can take comfort in that, too...seeing how cared for your mom is. I think that is one of the hidden blessings of a terminal diagnosis...there is time to process and say goodbye, unlike a sudden death. I don't think one is harder or easier than the other...each has its own difficulties and its own small comforts.

And I agree with just being honest with your children, but don't share more than you need to at any one time. I would focus on the ideas of "we love Gram so much we want to spend as much time as we can with her" more than "Gram is going to die soon." (That sounds callous...I don't mean it that way.) Death is scary, especially because of the unknown timing. I would try not to focus on the end that may come in 3 months, or 6 months, or longer, or shorter.

I think also letting your LO know that it is OK to be sad because saying Goodbye is hard, and it is also OK to be happy/relieved because Gram is no longer sick. (I think it's good for adults to allow themselves to experience both emotions with out guilt, too.)

Nothing about loss is easy...expected or not....young or old or in between...its hard! Give yourself some grace. Give your little one some grace. And know that you are not alone. I will be thinking of you and your family!

Advice for discussing death with a 4 year old and other similar questions

Re: Advice for discussing death with a 4 year old and other similar questions

Choose Another Board

Search Boards