Family Matters
bridejl
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Old
Re: Old
I'm pretty sure any 'suggestions' you do give her to help her get out of this situation, she is not going to listen, so I don't really have any suggestions for you there. Basically, she has a problem, she needs to hit rock bottom, and you guys giving her money is only enabling her to keep doing what she's doing.
I deal with this with my own parents, but the only difference is they never ask me for money. Even if they did, I wouldn't give it because it wouldn't help. It's painful to watch them on the downward spiral, but no matter what advice I've offered to help them, they won't listen. It's mentally exhausting, so I actually stopped giving advice and figure let them figure it out.
Sorry you have to deal with this.
Is she on a very fixed income, like Social Security or a small pension?
Would she qualify for fixed income housing? Nearly every town has one; usually the housing is for 55 and up -- but those on a fixed income are qualfied.
You and your H cannot keep bailing her out. You also cannot havie him handing out money to his mother without the both of you deciding yes on doing so; your real problem here an H problem.
If this is a cultural issue, it's all the worse. A son is expected to financially support a parent.
If she is gainfully employed and she is having cash flow problems, something else is going on here -- at any rate, he cannot keep saying yes and you and he cannot endlessly support her financially.
She also has the option of moving into a 2 bedroom apartment and getting a roommate to help foot expenses.
Well, to her credit it works right ? I mean whenever she is having problems, you guys help her out, so there is no reason for her to stop. Heck, if I had a rich relative that could give us money whenever we needed it instead of budgeting, saving and sacrificing; I would probably ask them to. It's easier. Well, not really but you get what I am trying to say here.
Honestly, if I were you, I would sit your husband down and lay it out. Be completely honest and blunt. Don't sugarcoat. Tell him this isn't working and he has a choice here. He can choose to upset his mommy or he can choose to upset you, ya know that woman he made vows to put above all others and let no one come between. So who is he gonna choose ?
FWIW, we went through something a little similar with MIL. MIL admitted she has nothing saved for retirement and my husband just came out and said "Well, I hope you weren't hoping that I would help you out there, because I can't." She then went on to say that he was going to let her live on the street. He said he would help pay for a Dave Ramsey Financial peace seminar or help pay for a financial counselor / advisor, but he wasn't going to just give her money every month. We simply can afford it especially considering she could save money she just doesn't wanna. Besides, neither of our parents have anything saved for retirement. It wouldn't be fair to help her and not the others. It would bankrupt us and we would have nothing saved for our own retirement and would have to rely on our children. No, the cycle ends here. My husband figures that retirement is a luxury, not a right. Some people simply won't be able to retire and both our dads plan on working for as long as they possibly can.
We've considered paying for a Dave Ramsey-type financial course, but somehow I doubt she'd actually implement any changes...maybe we'll have to try that route, though.
May 2014 November Siggy Challenge
The Griswold’s Christmas Vacation
You say no.
Just say no to anybody who wishes to move in.
"Sorry but we cannot accommodate you."
That's all you need to say.
I still am curious if you've got a cultural problem going on. That would explain a lot of your problem...then again, maybe the family thinks you and your H are running a free for nothin' guest house for them, complete with all ammenities and add-ons.
Getting back to your H:
He's got to get on the same page with you. That's a must.
I suggest you 2 get counseling; he needs to get it that you and he are now a team..and that you and he are THE FAMILY now.
Lay it on the line, as a PP said: he is to get with the program and team with you. And tell him that if he doesn't do that, he can get packing and go live with his mother.
Make the counseling a MUST. He is to go whether he likes it or not and he is to comply 100% with the counselor's edicts.
My MIL didn't take the offer for the classes either. She doesn't think she is the problem. However, we at least can rest knowing we tried. In 10/15 years when she or SIL call us asking for money, my husband can say " Mom, remember 10 years ago when I wanted to talk to you about this and you didn't want to listen ? Well this is why I wanted to talk to you. We can't help you."
I mean, we might end up giving her some money here and there; but it won't be nearly as much as she wants.
Bad blood can result and if not that, the deal can go sour. One never knows. Plus it is not a good idea,whether or not the relative is horrific or shady with money.
The only exception I'd make: your relative has a bona fide money issue not his or her own -- maybe had to leave the H due to some horrible problem and can't live on her own due to that issue. Only take that person in if there is an agreement that she will pay X in room and board and will be out by X date.
Bad blood can result and if not that, the deal can go sour. One never knows. Plus it is not a good idea,whether or not the relative is horrific or shady with money.
The only exception I'd make: your relative has a bona fide money issue not his or her own -- maybe had to leave the H due to some horrible problem and can't live on her own due to that issue. Only take that person in if there is an agreement that she will pay X in room and board and will be out by X date.
I agree. There are some extreme situations that might be acceptable to have family come stay - temporarily. Situations that might not be within their control or their fault. But in a situation like this one - where the MIL is having financial troubles that are of her own making that could have been prevented, I have a hard time feeling sorry for someone like this.
As far as Christmas, she's not going to like not getting us anything but I just can't accept anything. We'll see how this goes.
Let her crash and burn and figure it out for herself.
Let her crash and burn and figure it out for herself.
This is pretty much where I'm at.
Make it doubly clear that you will not be accepting any new roommies. And say it in such a way that it's driven home that it's Subject Closed.
Your first order of business needs to be getting your H to understand that Mommy's Money Tree needs to be chopped down right now. Maybe after a year or two of not getting any money at all from her son, she'll realize she needs to make changes. But an alcoholic isn't going to miraculously see the light at the first AA meeting they're forced to go to and hop on the wagon for good. A Dave Ramsey course that she doesn't think she needs and is being forced to take isn't going to make her see the light either, as long as her son is slipping her money whenever she asks for it.
However, I also don't think it is okay to let a parent struggle, nor any family member.
For the sister wanting to move in I would play it a bit strategically. She jokes about it: "I can't wait to just move in with you guys in your huge house!", laugh it off like it was just a joke and then jump in with "oh, don't worry! I'm sure you will find a great place with some fun roommates like we did when we were younger! Have you checked craigslist lately? They always have some great places on there." then change the subject. She says that she is worried that she won't be able to support herself? "All part of the experience of being in your early 20's! Oh, the stories I have from being young and on my own - my first jobs and my first roommates, I wouldn't give up that experience for the world - you are going to have such a great time! I'm so excited for you!" an so on.
With your mother in law - it is not easy, but instead of being heavy handed and saying "no" to her (which your husband doesn't seem to agree with, fair enough), how can you change her behaviour? What part of her behaviour can you change? How can you make her not want to ask you for money? How can you make her asking you for money an uncomfortable enough situation that she does whatever she can to avoid it in the future? You don't need to be aggressive or rude.
Just a thought - but if I asked someone for money and they huffed and puffed a little and then eventually gave it to me, my ego would take a small hit but I would probably ask them again. And again.
Now if I asked someone for money for my heating bill, they huffed and puffed a bit about it, asked to see my heating bills for the year because something must be seriously wrong with my electric company if the bills are so out of control and outrageous that I'm not able to pay them each month, went through them with a fine toothed comb with passive aggressive remarks about how I should probably keep the heat down low and wear warmer clothes - would you like some of our old sweaters? Do you have enough? - and gave me the gears about my electricity usage in the summer, spring and fall, lecturing me on how I should plan for the year better to avoid this type of fiasco, then gave me the money, then checked to see if I paid the bill with it, then called a few times a week to make sure that my heating was being kept under control and that I was warm enough - did I need any more sweaters and asking me if I had called the electricity company yet about the bill and any debt recovery assistance, then praising me like a stupid puppy when my next heating bill is lower - I would hesitate to ask that person for money again for my heating bill. Especially if they then insisted on barging into other areas of my financial life - like wanting to come food shopping with me and swapping out all of the name brand items in my cart with cheap store brands and making me sit down to cut cupons like it's fun - because "you are obviously struggling right now and we just want to help, we are struggling too and have to do this all just to make ends meet".
You could say no and feel like a jerk. Or you could make her not want to ask you. Nicely, and out of true caring and support like a good daughter, of course.
Just a thought.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Oh, I wasn't asking about the course for me, but for my own parents
(although I would be curious to read one of his books as well)