Maybe it's the beer talking (? for m/c girls)

brij2006 · November 2013

Okay so I've had a bit to drink tonight. So maybe it's some of the beer talking. But did any of you seek outside help to cope with things after a m/c? If you don't feel comfortable answering here, you are welcome to message me.

But BIL knows about our m/c and he was asking some pretty deep questions tonight regarding religion (he isn't religious and we are). I went on to say to him that if I didn't have my religion and faith that I would probably be seeking mental help right now to deal with the m/c's and IF. Then H and I got home and we were discussing the emotions of all of this, and he mentioned after talking that maybe we should meet with someone to deal with all of this. I feel that I am okay, but I definitely have my days. So at what point do you seek a 3rd party? We've had discussions with our pastor, and he's been a lot of help. I feel that my faith is very strong and I have handled it pretty well. But then I also have my days.

Should we give this some more time first before seeking it out? I know this isn't an answer you girls can answer because everyone handles it differently. But I feel that I will be better over time, but I don't want to keep saying that I'm fine if H really isn't and is just waiting for me to say we should go.

lindsayandjamie · November 2013

I have found that everyday has been better than my last so haven't saught counselling. What I have noticed is new anxiety from triggers that wouldn't have normally bothered me in the past. I am seeing my naturopath to talk to her because she is amazing and I know will help me. I'm now two months out and still considering counselling but have considered it even before the m/c /molar. I think to each their own and there is no handbook on how to cope and the timelines around it. Do what works for you and DH. GL, it's not easy but it's part of the journey.

mrsvedo · November 2013

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have not had a m/c so can't speak to this from that perspective but can say that in my experience therapy/counseling has never hurt. It can be painful to talk about things if you're digging deep, but if you're considering getting outside help, or think it might be beneficial even a little, it's usually worth it. If you decide that your existing support network is working and sufficient, though, that's ok too. Good luck!

ecinereb · November 2013

I never ended up pursuing it but it definitely crossed my mind. It's a hard spot to be and especially for you right now without full closure yet.
If you think it would help then go for it. I found a lot of help in talking to a close friend that had been through a similar situation.

BioGirl21 · November 2013

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I've noticed from many of your other posts that your H seems to be having a really hard time with TTC and the M/Cs(since he only wants to use Clomid, doesn't really want to try again for fear of another M/C). I think it's time to have a very serious conversation with him about all this. If he's saying he thinks seeing someone would help, he needs to do that. If you don't think you need to/ want to go, he can go by himself, although the two of you going could be really helpful.

blueeyedblossom · November 2013

@Biogirl21 said it well, it sounds as if your husband suggesting seeing someone is his way of saying HE wants to see someone. He may want you to be there with him for support, but it sounds as if he wants help. I hope you guys can have a discussion about this and figure out what's right for the both of you.

Sewilson33 · November 2013

I agree with @biogirl21 it seems like your DH might be hinting at wanting to talk with someone. I would definitely address the issue today while sober.

poppies717 · November 2013

I have not experienced a m/c, but I do see a therapist. She has been tremendously helpful to me. I recommend going just once to see how you feel about it. If you like him/her, continue. If not, don't. Your DH might also benefit from talking to someone.

brij2006 · November 2013

@biogirl21 That's a good point. I asked him about it again this morning, and he said he wants to give it a few more weeks to see if he feels better about things.

He said he's feeling really guilty because he wasn't 100% for the round of Clomid, but he knew I wanted to give it a try so he went along with it. When we got the BFP he later had made a comment on how he now could no longer do a car trip he wanted to do because it was the week of the due date, and he made comments of other things he was "giving up." Now he feels like the biggest asshole about ever saying those things, and he said he doesn't care about those things anymore. Having that child was more important than anything else he was giving up or wouldn't be able to do, but he feels guilty that it took losing this child for him to realize that.

sgautschi · November 2013

I'm so sorry brij, not ony for you going through this but for the guilt your H is going through. I'm sure that must be hard for you to handle because we as wives always want to make our spouse feel better. This is just a horrible situation all around, and I hope you are both able to find peace with it and are able to bring home your rainbow baby soon. Big hugs!

BioGirl21 · November 2013

@brij2006
I am so sorry that he feels that way

it sucks that anyone should have to face that thought.
I hope that he is able to feel better and cope with his feelings over the M/C and TTTC. Just remember to communicate with each other about your feelings and get on the same page. That was mine and MH's biggest issue dealing with 3T, we're both apt to clam up and not discuss feelings and keep them bottled up until we explode. It's easier said than done, but taking did help.

tdmd09 · November 2013

I had two miscarriages and decided to pursue therapy after the second one. I actually asked for a referral the day of my D&C because I knew how much I struggled for months after the first loss, and I couldn't fathom how much worse grieving a second one would be. It ended up being such a wonderful resource for me and I ended up going for almost a year. It gave me a place to process my feelings about my losses as well as my anxiety about TTC again, and when I got pregnant again, it helped with the constant fear of losing another baby.

I also ended up on a low dose of zoloft after my second loss (which I took for about 8 months) which was also helpful to steady my emotions while healing and dealing with things at work (my job is pretty emotionally demanding).

I think it would be a good thing for you to look into, personally. Sometimes having an unbiased person to talk to is incredibly helpful.

LittleLady77 · November 2013

I haven't had a MC, I hope you don't mind my butting in. When I got my diagnosis I went to see a therapist. The process helped me to mourn the loss of a biological child I would never have. I don't go anymore but talking to someone absolutely helped. In the US going to a therapist is seen as a weakness, it's really Unfortunate. I know a lot of people who would greatly benefit from talking to a professional but don't go because they somehow feel shame. Personally I don't think there should be any embarrassment when trying to peruse a healthy mental state.

ILoveRedVino · November 2013

My OB basically required it after my first loss. I saw a counselor who specialized in late pregnancy loss. I continued going off and on for months, including after my second loss.

Once you've emotionally attached, miscarriage can tear you apart. Whether that happens at 6 weeks or 6 months is different for everyone. There is no shame in seeking help.

sweetpotato123 · November 2013

I recently had my first visit with a therapist and really enjoyed the experience. The therapist has experienced infertility and miscarriage, so she validated a lot of my feelings and gave me tips/things to work towards as we continue down this road.

I like you, have felt generally ok, but I also have times and days where it really hurts. At this point in our journey, I feel like anything can help, but it is a very personal thing. Although many have experienced loss, each situation and person is very different. Sending you prayers and thoughts while you and your H are dealing with this extremely difficult situation. Feel free to PM if you want to chat/vent since we both experienced our losses very recently

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