Family Matters
josscal
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advice for my sister
Hey all, I wanted to see if anyone could help my sister who has been having a hard time with her 13 year old son. Also I am typing this on my phone so please excuse typos
A little background- my sister divorced their dad when he was about 3, he doesn't get along with his new stepmom at all and would rather not ever see his dad because of this. He is overweight, about 60 lbs but is a very active child. He is not one to sit and watch tv all day, but would rather be skate boarding or playing baseball.
Since the beginning of this school year, 8th grade, his grades have been at steady D's and F's. When doing homework, he would rather scribble down the wrong answer as quick as possible than sit there any longer. She constantly battles with him every night and it usually ends up with her losing her patience and him in tears.
Her new battle is starting every morning. He fights about going to school, getting up at all. He broke his arm about a month ago, his writing hand of all things, and missed quite a bit of school due to multiple surgeries to fix it (he broke it on his growth plate and had to have pins put in twice). The school has sent a letter to her because he had missed so much, despite doctor notes or her communicating with the principle himself. Now she is trying really hard to not allow him to miss any more school, but again, constant battle. I take both of her sons to school and take them home so I do witness these fights daily.
It is hard to see her go through this, and since I am not a mother I have no solid advice to give. She works a full time job plus 2 part time jobs to support all of them. I try to help her with them any way I can, her oldest son loves school and so this is something she has never dealt with. She's asked him about being bullied, and he says no, and honestly he isn't one to deal with a bully- he would take care of it..not violently but he has no problem letting someone know.
Anyway, any advice I could relay to her would be greatly appreciated!
A little background- my sister divorced their dad when he was about 3, he doesn't get along with his new stepmom at all and would rather not ever see his dad because of this. He is overweight, about 60 lbs but is a very active child. He is not one to sit and watch tv all day, but would rather be skate boarding or playing baseball.
Since the beginning of this school year, 8th grade, his grades have been at steady D's and F's. When doing homework, he would rather scribble down the wrong answer as quick as possible than sit there any longer. She constantly battles with him every night and it usually ends up with her losing her patience and him in tears.
Her new battle is starting every morning. He fights about going to school, getting up at all. He broke his arm about a month ago, his writing hand of all things, and missed quite a bit of school due to multiple surgeries to fix it (he broke it on his growth plate and had to have pins put in twice). The school has sent a letter to her because he had missed so much, despite doctor notes or her communicating with the principle himself. Now she is trying really hard to not allow him to miss any more school, but again, constant battle. I take both of her sons to school and take them home so I do witness these fights daily.
It is hard to see her go through this, and since I am not a mother I have no solid advice to give. She works a full time job plus 2 part time jobs to support all of them. I try to help her with them any way I can, her oldest son loves school and so this is something she has never dealt with. She's asked him about being bullied, and he says no, and honestly he isn't one to deal with a bully- he would take care of it..not violently but he has no problem letting someone know.
Anyway, any advice I could relay to her would be greatly appreciated!
Re: advice for my sister
Here's my suggestion:
Have your sis request a conference with each of his teachers. They need to be brought up to date and up to speed about the missed school problem. There has to be a way he can make up the work, do a special assignment or something --- he may even be in danger of losing his year.
I would hate to see that happen.
Try my suggestions; see if they work. The allowance suggestion, I think, is a good one. It's also time for him to start having money of his own; learn to save and spend it. $20 a week isn't an extravagant sum of money for an allowance for a 13 year old young man.
If there is after school help available, he needs to take advantage of that. If you have a relative who is 'cool" with your nephew, maybe he can help out and help tutor him.
Wishing you luck. Let us know what happens.
I'm sure the money will at least entice him to try, what kid doesn't like money right haha
The school and teachers are just not trying to work with her. It took her 2 weeks of daily calls and emails before she got 1, yes one, teacher to set up a meeting with her. And that is also after going to the school herself and speaking with the principal.
Thanks!
I will bet you he is way behind. There has to be a way for him to get caught up.
Maybe he has no idea how one derives at the answer, thanks to all the school he's missed.
Like I said, present the allowance in such a way that he'll be motivated -- tell him it's like a person earning a paycheck -- do a great job at work and you get paid your salary; do a great job in school and you'll get your "paycheck."
Tell him he'll also learn something really exciting: how to save and spend money! What kid doesn't like his very own home economics "lab"!:)
It's never too early to start saving your money; the time for him to want a car will be right around the corner. He'll need money for school dances, his friend's gifts for holidays and birthdays and such and there's something special he might want -- he'll save his money to pay for it.
There are tons of things on the net that can help students learn! This is lpendid -- we never had this growing up. We had schoolbooks and a library and that's all.
One thing my mother was:
A pain in the ass when it came to calling and meeting with teachers.:)
They also didn't like her a lot because she'd take our tests and quizzes and assignments that were graded -- and more than once the wrong tally was there!
We'd be short 5 or 10 points!!! That brings your test grade up to a whole other level!!!
She needs to tally up the points, also, on all the exams and such.
I can identify with your nephew's problem -- I too was in a hurry --- I was an early reader and I think I was bored so that was the gist of my problem. I was hell on wheels from first through third grades because of that.
I got a ton of notes and other shit sent home, due to the hurry I was in in school.
I cut it out in 4th grade. I think that's because the reading level was more "on my level" and I wasn't so bored.
I am also willing to bet he is an exceptionally smart kid. Boredom might also be part of the reason why he's in such a hurry with answers.
Thank you so much for the help, some great tips that I can bring up to her and hopefully ease some of the stress!
My sister is full paleo diet and the boys are about 80% paleo..they still get plenty of dairy items and the occassional junk food treat. So I guess I should just say clean eating haha. I should also say I have no idea what they eat at their dads house too so I will actually look up that article and send it to my sister, thank you for reminding me of it!
Brown bagging his lunch will help wonders. Take something to school like good ole peanut butter and jelly and a banana and some whole milk, or a roast beef sandwich on rye with lettuce and tomato. (Bananas are good for you and on Weight Watchers, they are "free" --- no points awarded)
60 pounds is a lot for anybody, especially a 13 year old gentleman.
Eating lots of sugar will also kill your attention span -- it will also cause a nice sized 'crash" and who needs that in the middle of a school day?
Looking into the Mediterranean Diet would be a good idea to check out. They include healthy fats, like olive oil and mostly fruit and cheese for dessert.
Tarpon- paleo is the 'caveman' diet. You basically only eat things you could pick/grow yourself- or what a caveman would have eaten. Fish and other meat, fruit, veggies, and nuts. He does drink sugary drinks though, juice mostly which has a ton of sugar but he won't drink anything besides that and milk or he won't have anything at all by his choice
Can't he at least switch to the sugar free versions? I am not a fan of sugar free, either -- but it is the lesser of 2 evils.
His choices, if he keeps this up, is possible high blood pressure and metabolic issues.
He is at an advantage: men lose weight faster than women because they are mostly muscle.
All those empty calories add up. And it's essential he get into a sport of some kind where he will burn off those pounds.
I think the weight is a concern, but not a primary concern right now that needs to be fixed immediately. I think you need to help your sister pick her battles (can't go bonkers over them all all at once).
I actually think that the root of all this kid's issues are a feeling of brokenness and not knowing where he "fits" in. He doesn't want to see his dad due to the step mother. He doesn't like the step mother. His own mother works a lot (not her fault just stating fact) and times he does get to see her, she is into him for homework, etc. The teachers are probably fed up and exasperated. His classmates probably think poorly of him, and even if they don't say it, he probably gets a vibe from them. Who does he have?
The bad grades are an outcome of not trying and not trying or acting like one doesn't care are classic signs of a cry for wanting attention - meaningful attention.
I think if he wants to see his dad, that plans should be made for him to do so on a weekly basis without the step mom present. And, although mom's schedule is so busy, I also think she should try to carve out some individual time with him to go be together somewhere and not talk about school.
Trying to get him to care about school is a symptom of a deeper issue - this kid wants to feel belonging.
(DH and I were/are part of the Big Brother/Big Sister program and this behavior was one we saw with our Little so I am writing from first-hand experience).
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk