Family Matters
cunger1
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Overwhelmed. Long
deleted
Re: Overwhelmed. Long
And it's only going to get worse. You need to speak up LOUDLY now and you need to make your DH hear you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Since my mom was the one who had to care for him most of the time, she became very very bitter toward my dads family. It has been very hard on their marriage, even now 5 years after his passing. She is finally starting to forgive my aunt and uncle, but my grandmother will never recieve forgiveness from her.
My mom worked a full time job, so she would go hours before work and every break she could, and stay until my dad came after he made us all dinner at home. It was very hard on her but luckily the school she worked at was only a block away.
I can say, from watching all of this...stop taking care of him. Don't place that kind of stress on your marriage. My parents still love each other very much but something changed after all this took place
Caring for a loved one is taxing, both emotionally, physically and financially.
I agree with the others: find somebody else to caretake the FIL --- a companion or even assisted living. There is only so much you can do and for lack of better way of putting it, you are not a skilled professional who is schooled in the caretaking of somebody with a long term illness.
See a social worker for help. YOu've got a son that needs you and also your H. So sorry you are caught in the middle of this issue and that it is all falling on you. GL.
Reading what you wrote you are not in a healthy or a safe situation. If you leave it as is you know it's going to get worse (and possibly dangerous). Take care of yourself, your child, and your husband.
Speaking as someone who has had two grandparents ( from both sides of my family) who suffered from Alzheimers, you simply can't keep doing this. Both of my grandparents ended going into an assisted living facility, and you know what, it truly was the best for everyone. My grandfather was literally killing himself trying to take care of my grandmother and my aunt, uncle and mother simply couldn't do anything more to help. When my grandfather had a stroke, they all decided that she needed to go into a facility. It truly was a great facility. There she had trained medical professionals that specialized in her disease and knew what to do. She got exersize, gentle companionship, good meals ( better than what my grandfather was making), and even little things like an onsite beauty shop she went to every week. I can't emphasize enough how much better EVERYONE'S quality of life improved.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
What type of dementia does he have? This sounds similar to Lewy Body. This can be diagnosed by a doctor. It makes a big difference in care and prognosis.
And until you work out FT care for him, I call bullshit on your H not being able to help you because he works midnight. I work FT overnights. I get home and go to bed at 8am. By noon I'm awake and taking care of my son, running errands, cleaning the house, etc. I grab another hour or two of sleep right before work. And I'm pregnant. Your H does not NEED to go to sleep at 8am and sleep until the evening. It's unfair of him to put this all on you while he's home asleep. Talk to him. Be honest. Get a plan of action and bring it to your MIL. Then implement the plan. If she's not open to it, just say you can't help anymore and be done with it.
And until you work out FT care for him, I call bullshit on your H not being able to help you because he works midnight. I work FT overnights. I get home and go to bed at 8am. By noon I'm awake and taking care of my son, running errands, cleaning the house, etc. I grab another hour or two of sleep right before work. And I'm pregnant. Your H does not NEED to go to sleep at 8am and sleep until the evening. It's unfair of him to put this all on you while he's home asleep. Talk to him. Be honest. Get a plan of action and bring it to your MIL. Then implement the plan. If she's not open to it, just say you can't help anymore and be done with it.
All of this and what everyone else has said too. I saw this thread yesterday and I'm actually appalled that OP, the DIL, is the one bearing the burden of this. OP, this is not your responsibility - this is your H's family and their responsibility to be caring for your FIL. Not yours and yours alone. They are choosing to ignore the inevitable and leave you with this burden and it is bullshit. I'm actually even more appalled that your H is allowing this - he better step up and put you, the woman he made a vow to and has a child with, first. And that means not leaving you to deal with this. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to your newborn child. I'm sorry you are even going through this and hope that you come up with a resolution quickly to alleviate this stress.
Your DH can only work in "sleeping" all day?
Um, no. When there is this much going on in your lives, you don't get the luxury of a full 8 hours of sleep EVERY night. Not when your spouse is killing themselves and suffering for it, and your child is suffering for it too.
You get your ass up and HELP.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
First off, good on you cunger1 for taking care of your father in law. I think it is very admirable, particularly as you have a newborn with you to care for as well. You are in a really, really difficult position and you have completely stepped up for your husband's family, where a lot of people would have said no or that they were too busy with their baby. I say good on you.
I can very easily see how this came about as well, and think that the intentions of the family might not be so selfish or black-hearted as they seem. FIL has serious health concern and can't be alone during the day. Needs someone to be home with him during the day. Cunger is a stay at home mom to a newborn (a baby is very adaptable and flexible, doesn't need a lot of equipment or toys, etc.) - maybe cunger1 can bring the baby over during the day and keep FIL company / make sure he doesn't put drain cleaner in his coffee. Cunger1 is home anyway, why not put the two together? FIL can probably even help a bit with the baby - what a great deal!
And it would have been an ideal and easy situation, if FIL had not further declined. I think it is absolutely brilliant that you had your husband sit down with his father and that your husband independently noted that he has declined fast in the last 5 months.
I think that if you approach this as hey MIL and family, look, I enjoy spending time with FIL and so does baby, this was a good arrangement in the beginning but FIL is declining fast and even without a newborn attached to me I am just not equipped to deal with this either physically or emotionally. This is no longer a social visit of keeping each other company, FIL has specific physical and emotional needs that I am not able to meet. I am at our home with the baby during the week and I would love to continue to come by and keep FIL company for an hour or so every other day, but we are at the point that we need some professional help to deal with this, as FIL deserves to be cared for properly and with dignity that I cannot provide.
Do your research before hand - what resources are available, what the options are. Brainstorm options with the family at the meeting, but whip out these resources you have already researched and prompt them to make a decision on which way to go - with an action plan. Okay, I am going to call ___ on Monday morning to plan a home visit for next week. Push push push on this until you have professional care in place and you can then back off. Do not let them procrastinate this as it will end with you being the primary caregiver indefinitely.
I would love to say to you to tell your husband to "man up", for him to tell his siblings to get their heads out of their arses and for him to tell his mother to get bent, this isn't your problem. But the things is, unfortunately, right now this IS your problem and I don't think you are the type that can just say eff this I'm out. And that is not necessarily a bad thing.
Sorry for the novel - I feel for you and I hope that things get resolved soon.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Have you spoken to an admissions coordinator at an assisted living? This needs to be your first step. Medicare and Medicaid do not pay for assisted living. There are daycare programs available through your local area agency on aging. They can also give you resources regarding how to afford assisted living.
So sorry.
All of what Illimine said --- and a social worker for you, also. You have a family to take care of and you have yourself to take care of.
Other ideas I can think of since you're in an extreme hardship case:
Speak to your mayor and councilmen -- let them know you need help. They might have suggestions and "ins" where you might have your case expedited more expediently.
Try your assemblyman, also. You need help badly and it's essential your FIL get into a living arrangment that will benefit his health condition. You cannot do this yourself.
Often as not, assemblymen and the mayor and town conncil can help speed up the process for you.
But most importantly. Stop making yourself available. I'm not a mom yet but I cannot imagine its a healthy situation for a three month old to be in a place with an adult who regularly soils himself, and where pets have damaged parts of the house. Take care of yourself and your family, and be sure your DH knows it's his job to handle his family. If you walk away from this, and no one steps up to care for him, you can call adult protective services and they can act for you if they see that no one is caring for him properly. That should be a last resort though.