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Sister-in-law and her family wants to move in! (long post but I need advice ASAP)
I have a huge problem. My husband's sister called him yesterday and asked if she and her kids could move in once her home is finally foreclosed on. He agreed saying "I'm not going to let my sister, niece, and nephew get thrown out into the street." So now it's inevitable that they will be moving in soon. I am absolutely devastated by this. We just moved to the state a little over a month ago. We had been living in an apt and were completely fed up with apartment living because of the lack of privacy. When DH was offered a job transfer we decided to go for it and start over fresh. We thought that the cheaper cost of living would give us the opportunity to finally move into a house. Well, that's exactly what we did. We moved into a beautiful 3 bedroom home in a great neighborhood. We loved our new home and everything about it and we especially enjoyed our privacy (we currently don't have any children).
We had been hearing about his sister and her money issues for years. She and her husband we're always on the brink of foreclosure. Even though they could barely pay the mortgage or the other household bills they would splurge on expensive things like a projector screen tv or new shiny rims for their car. Every now and again they would come into money from settlements from one of the husband's many bogus lawsuits. They would never save the money for a rainy day or use it to pay extra on the mortgage. As soon as the money was all spent, they would go back to begging family members for loans (including DH).
Fast forward to today and she informs DH that the foreclosure is going through. I think it's such a coincidence that they were able to eke it out all these years but as soon as we happen to move to the same state, now they are getting thrown out. DH said that he heard that they stop paying the mortgage. The only reason someone would do that is if they knew they had a definitely alternative residence. Guess that's where DH and I come in because they knew he wouldn't let them get thrown into the street.
I feel sick, disappointed, used, and depressed. Looking back, I feel like when they came over to visit that they were just scoping out the place. I had spent hours fixing up the "guest" room because my parents were supposed to visit for my birthday in a few weeks. Now that can't happen. They would have to stay at a hotel. I feel like I fixed the room up and decorated it just for the sister-in-law. When she saw the room she marveled over the setup and the decor.
So basically I went from having a beautiful empty home with just me and DH to having his sister and her two teenage kids moving in. This is complicated by the fact that I never really liked the sister because of her money-leeching ways and by the fact that we don't have kids yet but now we'll be living with 2 teenagers.
My concern is that the sister has no plans to increase her income. She currently works part time as a medical biller and has done so for years. She's made no move to try to find a full time job or even a second job even when she knew she was going into foreclosure. I feel like if she didn't step up when that was happening why would she make the extra effort to increase her income after she moves in with us? I'm wondering how will she get her own an apartment based on her current salary and terrible credit? It's my understanding that she's leaving her husband due to him having an affair and a child outside the marriage.They aren't legally divorced (they can't afford to) so there will be no child support, alimony, or anything else coming from him.
I just see her moving in as permanent because she doesn't have the means to get an apartment on her own. Besides that, I can see her not contributing to helping with any of our increased bills since she will be "saving to move out". I can't see anything good coming out of this situation. I am so angry I don't know what to do.
Re: Sister-in-law and her family wants to move in! (long post but I need advice ASAP)
I mean - this is really more about your DH than his sister. He told her she could move in without even talking to you? Or making any effort to find other options for them?
At a MINIMUM, you and DH need to get on the same page about this and come up w/ a plan. BEFORE she moves in, there needs to be a discussion:
1- with her about time frame. This is NOT permanent. Give it a date. 3 months? 6 months? Whatever you and DH feel is fair. And then STICK TO IT.
2- with all of them about house rules. And I also think she needs to contribute some $$$ to the household expenses. This should NOT be a free place for them to stay indefinitely.
If you can't get your DH on the same page and/or if he won't actually enforce any of this, then you might really want to do a LOT of soul searching over whether this is a marriage that has sustaining power. It's YOUR home too and fo ryour DH to unilaterally make this decision - it's SO disrespectful to you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
A husband who did NOT discuss this issue with you extensively...and he did not arrive at a mutually satisfying solution with YOU.
He needs to start working with you as a team and immediately.
I have a huge problem. My husband's sister called him yesterday and asked if she and her kids could move in once her home is finally foreclosed on. He agreed saying "I'm not going to let my sister, niece, and nephew get thrown out into the street." So now it's inevitable that they will be moving in soon.
Nope.
He needed, like I said, to discuss this with you and if you decided no, then it is NO. How dare he decide without you.
There is Section 8 housing and other places they can stay. NO need to move in with you and your H.
We have been hearing about his sister and her money issues for years. She and her husband we're always on the brink of foreclosure.
"MOney issues" isa the operative phrase. What's happening with that? Are one or both of them out of work?
Even though they could barely pay the mortgage or the other household bills they would splurge on expensive things like a projector screen tv or new shiny rims for their car.
Then you did indeed need to cut them off completely. These 2 are problematic.
Every now and again they would come into money from settlements from one of the husband's many bogus lawsuits. They would never save the money for a rainy day or use it to pay extra on the mortgage. As soon as the money was all spent, they would go back to begging family members for loans (including DH).
Steer clear of this dishonest bunch and tell them NO they cannot move in. Do it today.
Demand that your H tell them no. That's the bottom line.,
Fast forward to today and she informs DH that the foreclosure is going through. I think it's such a coincidence that they were able to eke it out all these years but as soon as we happen to move to the same state, now they are getting thrown out. DH said that he heard that they stop paying the mortgage. The only reason someone would do that is if they knew they had a definitely alternative residence. Guess that's where DH and I come in because they knew he wouldn't let them get thrown into the street.
Again: Let them get Section 8 housing. Or go live in a shelter until they can find housing they can afford.
Tell your H that it is NOT okay for them to live with you and him and that they can get Section 8 housing or go live in a shelter until they find affordable housing.And if he refuses, you've got a huge problem.
This guy is too immature to be a husband. He can't stand up to other people! An adult stands up for what's right and doesn't fear the consequences -- and a man worth his salt as a husband makes sure his wife is an equal partner with him.
How about YOU call her and YOU tell her she cannot come and stay??? Why not? Didn't your H decide without YOU?
Stop it, just stop it.
Look, I understand you are incredibly angry, I would be too, but you need to focus your anger on your husband and not his sister. Whether she planned this or not is irrelevant. The fact is that your husband is putting his sister's needs before you, which is not what he promised to do on your wedding day and his attitude does not bode well for the future.
This is what I would do, I would tell him that under no circumstances is her family coming to live with you guys. Give him a list of alternatives like low income housing, cheap places to rent to even shelters but let him know this isn't happening because this is your home too and this is a deal breaker for you. So either way his sister will not end up in your home.
Your H is an asshole who didn't even ask you if this is okay. He has set zero rules or a time limit to his dear sister. Her and her family are now above and coming first over his family (you).
You do realize that by letting them move in you now will have to go through legal channels to ever get them out? You will have to actually have them evicted? You are also now responsible as the home owners. So these kids living with you will have friends over and if those friends get hurt or screw crap up you and your H are liable. Also, how many people can live in your house? Do you have an HOA? How many vehicles can your residence have?
I don't want to kill or divorce my H often but if he pulled this crap I'd do both. Your home will not be your home anymore, it will be theirs. Also, what about things like food, cleaning supplies, hygiene items and basic expenses? Who's going to pay for that?
OP, you really need to listen to these ladies because these are the only solutions to what is really a fucked up situation. You should be angry with your H, regardless of whether or not your SIL 'planned' this because the fact of the matter is, your H could have simply told her no, but he didn't. And not only did he say yes, he did so without consulting you or giving you any say in the matter. That is wrong and you should be livid. Your H basically has chosen to disrespect you and shit on the vows he took with you on your wedding day.
And btw, you absolutely can leave OR make him leave. If it's you who decides to go, I'm sure your family or friends would understand and I'm sure they would help you out because your circumstances are very different than that of your freeloading irresponsible SIL.
He can solve this entire problem right now by picking up the phone and telling his sister -- with you right there -- "Sorry but Naikai and I have changed our minds. We will not be able to accommodate you all. Hoping you understand. Once again, sorry."
THAT is all he needs to say!!!!
I know DH was wrong for agreeing to let her stay and I plan to have a serious talk with him tonight about that. I'm not going to give an ultimatums or give any "either she goes or I go speeches." Moving out is not an option because I don't have anywhere to stay.
It would also be "Either she goes or YOU do, H"!!!
And you would not be the one to go: HE would be the one to go. NOT YOU. His problem where to stay.
IF you do decide to go, versus him going:
Go to your parent's house or a close relative, even if it means you find the way to travel a very long distance. You'll be welcomed back heartily, especially when they hear why the spineless weasel got the heave from you.
He wasn't merely wrong for going ahead and not deciding with you --- do you like somebody making all the crucial decisions for you??? -- what he did is egregious and despicable and foul beyond all measure ----- and has no excuse at all for doing what he did!
He's blown to hell his marriage vow "forsaking all others."
I don't want to end up at one of the homeless shelters I suggest that she goes to.
You can go to your parents' house! (and again, that's IF you go; HE would be the one to be out the door in this case.)
I'm not trying to go stay with a family member either because then I'll be imposing on them the way she's imposing on us.
NO you will not: YOURS is a bona fide emergency and reason to have you stay!!!
Don't confuse them with you. You are in a whole other category!
If I were to storm out and leave she would still end up at the house because then there would be no resistance.
Because HE has chosen them over you!!!
Don't you see the point in the entire ultimatum?????
They are hard to give; I did just that to my now xH --- an ultimatum -- and with that choice he made, I knew I made the right choice. That was the end of him and I haven't been happier since.
He chose the road; he went. I stayed where I was.
BTW:
YOU tell HIM to choose now or tell him to pick the road -- and HE needs to find the door, NOT YOU!!!!! HE would be the one to go. Let his ass go find somewhere to stay for the rest of his life. YOU will have the benefit of the home.
And if he does not go after he chooses them?
You call the police and have him ejected. Along with them.!
DH is not going to let them go into a shelter so I need other suggestions.
Then you are stuck with a spineless little shit who has:
NO respect for you
Puts others before you
Doesn't care what you think
Puts you dead bang last.
You will be last in everything else, I assure you!
There is also Section 8 housing or subsidized housing -- every town has a fixed income living housing: they can go live there.
Let them go to the county social services department and speak to somebody there and say it is an emergency. This is THEIR ball game, NOT YOURS!!!!
Perhaps extended stay hotel or staying with friends. I'm almost tempted to suggest DH give her some money so that they can stay at their house while we work on something collectively and come up with somewhere else for them to live.
Can't you see what you are doing?
Enabling his sorry ass.
Do NOT trust the SIL and her bunch. I wouldn't doubt if there was much more to their money woes than just poor spending and over the top purchases...just sayin', as they say. YOu don't know what is in the mix --- nor does he ---- how do you know it's not drugs or some sort of illegal activity??? Consider all scenarios.
His lack of respect for you has to go....or HE does.
Choose the latter.
You do realize that by letting them move in you now will have to go through legal channels to ever get them out? You will have to actually have them evicted? You are also now responsible as the home owners. So these kids living with you will have friends over and if those friends get hurt or screw crap up you and your H are liable. Also, how many people can live in your house? Do you have an HOA? How many vehicles can your residence have?
You may not even be permitted to have another family live in that dwelling with you!
There are building codes and rules that HOAs have. YOu may not even be permitted to let them live there. (There are building codes and occupancy limits for regular homes! There's no way this rule can be bent or twisted: a rule is a rule)
And most HOAs have rules about cars and how many; the HOAs that I know of have a 2 vehicle limit. Very doubtful that this bunch is going to show up car-free.
If your spineless H thinks he'll be able to boogie his sister's family in and nobody will notice? Fat chance.
For many reasons, having other people live in your home is not a good idea. As I said, even if they had bona fide trouble and needed a place to stay in an emergency and you agreed to have them move in, it can still cause lots of bad blood if something goes wrong.
You feel disrespected?
Nope.
You needed to take him to the woodshed and tear him a new asshole. THAT is what you needed to do.
Let this shady bunch figure it out for themselves. They are grown adults, are they not? They aren't little children. Let them figure out where to go...so long as it is NOT your home.
Your big problem is your childish husband.
Address the coming in last issue NOW because as I said, it will not stop here with the issue of the ILs wanting to move in.
You will be last with him your entire life. And that's bullshit, unacceptable and no way to treat a spouse.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your H doesn't need to give them an excuse he just needs to say no and move on. They are going to pull all kinds of crap to get in your house. He's going to fall for it. I bet he lets them in without a contract with a firm time limit and after they bleed you two dry they will move on. Just like a leech they will suck everything from you, money, sanity and your relationship.
OP - do you see what your DH is doing? His sister says "I want to move in!", he says "Oh,sure, o.k.!". You say "They can't move in!", he says "Oh, sure, o.k.!". What do you REALLY think is going to happen at this "talk" of theirs?
It's absolutely going to end up w/ her pushing and him caving in and saying "Oh, sure, o.k.!".
I don't know why YOU aren't going with him. Sending him to deal w/ this by himself is laughable. He has no backbone. He says what he needs to say in order to make the person in front of him happy.
And I think I would give an ultimatum. Her or you. You say you have no where to go? I'd LOVE to see his choice - who does he worry less about being homeless? You or his sister?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The fact that you are LAST still remains.
That is what your greater problem is --- not who he permits to stay in your home --- the fact that he is not a team with you and he does not put you first.
He is enabling them and he knows they are a conniving bunch.
Let that be his sole problem when you show him the door. "Them or Me; choose now and if you choose them, also choose the door" and if he doesn't pick you on the spot and refuses to leave?
You call the police and tell him you need help ejecting an unwanted visitor and give them the address.
OP: See a counselor on your own. You'll be told that you're enabling HIM for letting him enable his sister; in addition to this, you're letting this guy play you.
And if the counselor knows his or her stuff, you'll be told to stand the hell up for yourself and to put yourself first.
I am just thinking that if you approached this in a different, more strategic way that you may get your intended result without resorting to threatening your (actually quite nice) husband with separation, divorce and doom.
Have you tried approaching it first genuinely complimenting his love and devotion to his family, that you are proud of his desire to help his family, even at the cost of himself? (if it is true). You really admire this in him and you agree that you guys will of course help his sister, but that you don't think that having them move in with you is the best way to do that, teach a man to fish and all of that, etc. Even if she was to move in with us temporarily that is not a permanent solution - so why do it in the first place? Let's help her to get on her feet for the long term so that she can continue to live independently with her children.
Gently guide the conversation into that it is very hard, but sometimes people need to hit rock bottom in order to really be motivated to change - it is hard for him but tough yet supportive love is going to be best not only for her but for her kids in the long term - moving in with you is just a band-aid and not actually fixing anything at all. What does she need to do to improve her situation, and how can we help her to do that?
How old are her kids? Can you mentor her kids? Help them get jobs (if they are teenagers)? Talk to them about careers and school? Anything to be a supportive force encouraging these poor kids to break that cycle? Help out with a bit of babysitting so she can work? Help her get into a cheap day care program? Help her set up a day home as a business? Help to organize after school clubs or activities for her kids so she has more time to work? Take them for a couple of hours every other Saturday to give her a break - maybe that will help her get her head back in the game?
The sister herself - what does your husband think she needs to do to improve her lot in life? What are her basic financial needs and what is the minimum she needs to do to meet those? Is there any way that you can help with the planning of this? Is she only working part time because she is too intimidated to find another job? Or ask for more hours? Can you help with this in any way? Same with her husband?
Their housing - can you help them get into some sort of low income housing program? Find low income housing? Give them listings you have found on various websites and in newspapers? What about other areas of the country? Places that a family can go for a fresh start?
I don't know. I'm pulling things out of the wind here, but I think that if you approached it in a different and less aggressive way you can be firm but still supportive - also meeting your husband's need to take care of family.
Best of luck.
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