Family Matters
1993feb
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Would appreciate an opinion TIA
So I had posted awhile back about my husband and issues with his family. He is currently not really speaking to his sisters. We have seem them maybe three times over the past two years. The last conversation he had with them was his one sister telling him off. So as he says "he took the high road" didn't say anything back got off the phone and decided that he had enough of them. We do see his parents although it is obvious no matter what they side with his sister. We both have children. Anyway, this is the situation I would appreciate help with. He called his mom in October just to talk, she brought up thanksgiving and my husband asked if they wanted to come by. She said " Im having your sisters over." No big deal we figured. Now his mom calls him this week for his bday and I hear him say something about talking to me. So when he got off the phone I asked him about it. He says oh she said" Im having your sisters over for xmas eve and going there on xmas so you can come here early xmas morning to see us before we go out." Does anyone else find that rude. There wasn't even any mention of seeing our children next week at all. I feel my husband should have asked why they didn't think of our kids while making their plans. Any opinions?
Re: Would appreciate an opinion TIA
Yeah, I find it rude that she said she invited sisters over for Thanksgiving but didn't extend the invitation to you guys too!
Also, the early Christmas morning wouldn't set well with me either. I would tell her that early morning wouldn't work so if they had time after spending the day with the others, maybe they could stop by your place to see their other grandkids.
As far as Christmas goes .... if you want to see her and can go in the morning, then go. If that doesn't work for you, then say "no". But clearly his sisters don't want to see you all and his mom (as you already know) sides with them. So she's trying to see you all separately.
Wrong or right- I don't feel it's your or DHs place to MAKE her see you all at the same time. Again- if you can't do xmas morning, you can't do it. But don't say "no" just to screw her up or to force her hand. And if you say "no", you have to do so knowing that SHE might say "no" to finding another time.
However, I think the elephant in the room needs to be addressed. I think your DH needs to flat out ask his mom about next week and from there basically ask her "is this how it's going to be? Your reserving your time for them and either not including us at all or trying to squeeze us in when it's convenient for you?".
And from that, I think he might need to do some soul searching and figure out what HE wants. If this IS how it's going to be - does your DH want to put up w/ it and subject his kids to this? If yes, well then, you're going to have to play by her rules. If not, then he might need to make the decision to not see his mom for awhile.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for the opinions and advice.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree that its rude to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with just the sister especialy with grandkids involved. But unfortunatly holidays bring out ppl and there true colors
Well that's what I thought. We had them at our home last year for xmas eve and they went to his sisters on xmas day. We planned on inviting them again. Im just not sure if we should confront her or not. Especially since everytime we go visit them she complains that she doesn't see them. But again when we visit them its because we call and ask we are never just invited over.
I think you need to take "confront" out of your vocabulary.
As for this year, ASK her "So, what about THanksgiving?". For Christmas, just say "we can't come over Christmas morning. We could either do Christmas Eve or you can come to us in the morning".
As for the bigger issue - my advice is the next time she complains about not seeing them, your DH needs to use that as an opportunity to broach the issue. "Well, mom, we'd love foryou to see them more too. However, from my perspective, you seem to put more emphasis on seeing sister. THis is fine - your choice. But you can't turn around and complain about not seeing us. We are here and available. But if you dont' invite us over, or if you book up your holidays around sister - well... then you're not going to see us.".
Basically , just put it out there that she does have some control over how much she sees you all.
But beyond her- some of this might also need to be you and DH coming to an understanding that this is how it's going to be with her. You can get upset about what's "right" or how she's being "rude" - but that isn't going to change things. She puts priority on his sister. I think if you all can come to an acceptance of this and stop worrying about her and seeing her on YOUR schedule, you might find that is doesn't bother you so much,
Or that her complaining about not seeing you more might not bug you! If you know you've done all that YOU can do, the rest of it is on her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Illumine brings up some good points - how proactive are you all in making plans vs just sitting back and waiting for invitations?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There actually have been many times before all of this that they have been invited to our home and at the last minute call and say she is going there instead. Since you would like a little more info. this is how the initial argument started.
-my inlaws were over for dinner a week before my nieces bdy. While talking I told my daughter to tell grandma that we had been at the store getting ideas for my sons bday(which was a month and a half awa). My mil said "don't worry about his bday there is plenty of time for that, your cousins bday is next week." When she left I told my husband that was said and told him she really could have just talked about it with my daughter shes only five. She doesn't know about whats coming up. "
-The Tuesday after that we get an invitation to my nieces bday. As my husband is reading it we realize it a month and a half away the same day we are having our sons bday.
-He called his mom to ask why it was so late because that's when we had his bday planned. It was obvious she did not remember when his bday was. I figured okay well your sister will call and say she didn't realize his bday was that week and we might be having his party then and see eachother another time.
-Well the only call he got was when they received our invitation.
-she wanted to know why we were still having his bday that day when her daughters was on that day. He explained that's when we planned it, my husband works weekends and cant just take off.
-he asked why she was having the party so late and she said they didnt realize it was near his bday. And that she told everyone they were doing late and she didnt want us to have it.
And this has now been going on for over 2 years?
I don't know that I have the energy to get into this anymore. I still feel like we're missing information. Why isn't he talking to his other sister? You did say he isn't talking to either of his sisters. And what B-day was this for, anyhow?
At face value, I DO think it's kind of harsh to throw a birthday party at the same time as someone else who is so close. Clearly people are going to have a conflict. The other sister, his mom- and any other family. Which party are they supposed to pick?
But at the same time, as his sister clearly has a host of other issues w/ your DH, a part of me wonders if she purposely planned it late to create an issue. I mean- 6 weeks late IS kind of late.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We didnt know in advance she was having the party late we planned around his work schedule having no idea she was having it late. Also it was three hours before ours so we figured since she already had a family party at her house for her daughter on her bday they could go there and then come by our party. We really didnt think it was a big deal. She made it a big deal. and his other sister sided with her and now wont come by for any of their bdays or even say hello to the kids when she sees them. Instead of just getting over it she keeps the fight going. My husband doesn't argue, hes very mild mannered. she wanted to know why her feelings don't come before his kids? Who asks that? I would never expect to come before my brothers wife and kids.
Yea... good luck w/ that one.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
In the end, no one can answer this except you and DH. I think he needs to do some real soul searching. What is it that he wants? Does he think he can get it from them? Does he reach out because he feels he "has" to, or does he REALLY want to spend time w /his family?
At a minimum, I think you both need to start accepting reality. His sister is unreasonable, his other sister and mom have basically sided with her. While his mom obviously wants som ekind of relationship with him - in the end, it will always come 2nd to his sister.
whatever decisions you make, you have to make them accepting the above. If a limited "on her terms" relationship works for you, then do it. If a limited "on your terms" relationship where you see her even less works, then do it. Or if it would be easier to just focus on other people who you truly enjoy and who WANT to see you all.... then do that.
Chances are you aren't going to change her - or any of them. You have to work with that and stop expecting anything else.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10