Money Matters
Hornred9
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I feel like I am loosing my wife.
I feel like I am loosing my wife. We have two great kids and they are her world, I'm what's left. I love my wife, the woman. She amazes me as a mom but more over as a woman. I miss that, and need some reassurance that she still sees me as a man.
Things are tight for us financially. We haven't had a vacation in years. She says we can't afford it. I need to make her see we can't afford not to take a small get away.
Re: I feel like I am loosing my wife.
Do you have a family member who can watch your kids for you occasionally so you guys can have some alone time? You can do simple things like go for a walk, make a picnic some where, go for a drive to a favorite local location. Or if you can get someone to take the kids to their home for a few hours, even just rent a movie (or a free movie from library) for some quiet time together at home. If you don't have a family member who can help out, do you have any friends with kids close in age where you could trade babysitting, they take your kids for a few hours & then the next week you take their kids for a few hours to give them some free time? Don't give up!!!
Without knowing anything more about your situation, it is hard to give any other advise. What you are experiencing, though, sounds very typical for families with young children. There is always so much to do and so little time. Since children's needs are so insistent, it is easy for adults to focus on them rather than themselves and their relationships. Every family I know has had to figure out how to balance everyone's needs, and no one feels like they have quite figured it out.
At least in my experience, it is easy to be exhausted from focusing on other people (children, co-workers, etc.) all day, so that when the evening comes I just want some me time. Unfortunately, that is also one of the few times DH and I have available for couple time. One thing that has really helped me, is that DH has started doing a lot more around the house in the evenings after the kids go to bed. With his help the dishes get washed, laundry gets folded, lunches get made, etc. more quickly. It 1) gives me a little more free time which makes it easier to find me and us time and 2) it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy towards DH.
Our kids are around 2 and 4, and we are just now really getting started with making it a point to set aside time for us. In our case, it is often a "date night" at home since we don't have family nearby, the kids aren't comfortable with many babysitters, and babysitters are expensive. We may watch a movie, read a book together, play a game, or just snuggle on the couch. It may not end up being incredibly long since there is a short window between when the kids go to bed and when we need to get to bed, but at least agreeing to this time together lets both of us know that we still value our relationship.
Why not sit with your wife and figure out a way to save/budget for the trip you want? Start simple with something like one night at a nearby hotel. Also, maybe try to understand your wife's money concerns. Show her that you share them, and help make a plan to fix things she's concerned about (realizing, of course, that you can only do so much with a LO at home).
Good luck; I do wish you well and don't mean to be negative.
Can you add to what you are currently doing with the kids and household tasks to free up more of her time?
When she has had a bad day - take the kids and let her take time for herself - even a quiet hour alone for a warm bath, read a book can help.
See that the kids have an earlier bedtime if they currently stay up late. Allow a few hours for yourselves each night before bed - that is just for the two of you --- no laundry, dishes, pick up, computer during that time- you get the idea. Talk, snuggle for a movie and go to bed.
I can identify with both of you. I do care more about travel than my husband; I'm the one who organizes it and makes sure we budget for it. Will I want extravagant trips once we have kids though? Probably less-so. I think the kids will become my financial priority at that point, though I do have some fun budget ideas I'm holding in reserve until then.
I really urge you to 1) sit down with your wife when she budgets next time so you can see her plan, and 2) try to see where she's coming from. In my early 20s I wracked up loads of consumer debt, much of it while traveling. Now that I'm out, I would be unable to enjoy any trip that couldn't be paid for in cash. Debt is not worth it. Your wife may be trying to save to create options for you going forward.
What kind of trip do you want? If you post your budget we could help you come up with ideas for how to work it in. If you save even $20 a week (doable for some just by making coffee at home) you can have a nice weekend away pretty quickly. However, your last comment made me think you are set on a big, expensive trip. It's very possible you can't afford it. Please don't go into debt over vacations, and please don't judge less expensive outings.
It would help to know more about your financial situation. It sounds like your wife's priority is putting money into a 529 or similar, which is fair. Are you making good retirement contributions? Making good progress on any debts? Do you have a six month e-fund? These are all other factors she may be prioritizing over travel. Many don't want to travel at all while in debt; we still are, but we made sure the consumer debt was gone and we could be paying well ahead on our student and car loans first.
Etc. The exercises will help you make a financial plan that works for you BOTH.
Some of the women here are only hearing the money part I think, since it is a money board, but you are right that sometimes a family needs more than just paying for their kids college.
For the distance between you and your wife, I have the same opinion as in my earlier post. You need to let her know how you are feeling and that you are seriously concerned about the long term ramifications for your relationship. You two together need to figure out a way to build more "us time" into your lives. I think you need to talk with your wife, though, about whether that's a vacation or finding smaller amounts of time every week or some other solution. As far a I'm concerned, this is totally an emotional issue. Money may limit the types of solutions that are available to you (i.e. a second honeymoon in Europe is probably off the table), but the fundamental conversation needs to be about emotions not money.
For the second issue of providing vacations for the kids, I will say that I don't think expensive vacations are necessary for a positive childhood. Especially if your children are still young, they probably won't remember all that much about them when they are older. What they will remember, however, is the uncomfortable home environment if their parents aren't happy together. So, again, I think the first priority needs to be your relationship with your wife. After that you can look for ideas of family activities and outings that are within you budget. Camping, for example, is pretty cheap (assuming you already have the equipment) and something that most kids love.
Finally, it sounds like you just really want a vacation, and that is totally okay. If that is a priority for you, then you guys should figure out how to make it happen, whether that means you start saving now for a big trip in a few years or you agree to something less expensive sooner. Family spending should reflect the priorities of everyone in the family, and if an occasional vacation is a priority for you, you should find a way to make it happen. You might have to be willing to sacrifice other things (cable tv, eating out, etc.) in order to make it happen, but if you value a vacation more than those other things that's okay. You'll have to balance your priorities with your wife's, but that's what married couples do.
In talking with your wife about your concerns about your relationship and your children's experiences, though, I wouldn't emphasize the vacation. I would instead emphasize the emotional aspects of those things. As the conversation progresses, you could suggest a vacation as a possible solution, but you should also listen to her ideas for addressing them.
Vacations with the kids, you can seriously do ANYTHING. We didn't have a lot of money growing up to go on expensive vacations, but we had fun with what we did. We would go to the beach in the summer, Free, and I had so much fun with my Dad in the water, I was able to go out sooo far with him when my Mom wouldn't let me on my own. That was awesome. We would drive somewhere, we'd go camping for the week/weekend, that was never too much $$ We went to the parks, just playing around with your parents as kids is a memory we never forget.
When it comes to your wife, I'm sure she is tired and she probably would love time away too, but with the money, she probably feels you cannot afford it. Well, get the kids a babysitter once a month and go out, do anything. Even if its just a few hours walking around downtown, having a picnic in the park, anything. Even, go get a cheap hotel somewhere and just hang out. I would put a little bit away each month/paycheck and make sure you do something, anything just to get some alone time.
At night, try to get the kids put to bed early, after you two could just relax and hang out together. Or when she is cooking dinner/doing dishes, go help her out and you two can bond and talk then. I do hear that men feel like when women have kids they don't get the attention they used to get. She has other responsibilities and may need you to take her away. Surprise her with something small and cheap and I bet she would love it.
Good luck!!!