Family Matters
mdupon70997
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
So Overwhelmed Over Mom's Life
I have always felt like the parent with my mom. Concerning finances I am much more responsible and realistic than she ever has been. She falls "in love" quickly and with any man she dates. She has never ever been single for more than 6 months and has always needed a man to support her financially. She has no college education, has only obtained a GED in the last 10 years, and really has no marketable skills besides cooking or being a cashier. I'm 24 and married and she is 53 and soon to be divorced. Her husband is moving out this weekend and is paying one month of rent on the house they live in so that she will have some time to find a new place since she can't afford to pay the rent on her own. DH and I live in a small one bedroom house with our two dogs (one is a German shepherd). She could stay here for a month or so (on the sleeper sofa) until she finds a place to live, but not with her three dogs (especially since our pets don't like other animals.) My grandparents and uncle gave her the same option, but without the three dogs. She refuses to get rid of the dogs so she can have a roof over her head. She also has a motorcycle she can't afford to keep, which was leased when she and I lived in an apartment where we both payed rent (and barely managed to do so every month.) She has decided to sell her motorcycle, but insists that her husband will be court ordered to pay her car note so that she will have transportation. She has known for a while that this divorce was only a matter of time. A few months ago she insisted that he would have to pay "child support" on their dogs and that she would keep them. What planet is she living on? After their divorce she will no longer have medical, vision, or dental insurance. She also has a history of depression, but is not currently on antidepressants since she "doesn't need them." I love her so much and I worry about her constantly. She makes about $700 per month, so I know she can't afford to pay rent, food, gas, dog food, and car insurance each month. I don't know what I can do to convince her to get rid of the dogs so that she can have a safe place to stay until she has saved up some money. And I don't know what to do so that I'm not worried all the time.
Re: So Overwhelmed Over Mom's Life
Alimony yes, but there may not be a chance she'll even get alimony.
What you need to do:
Extricate yourself from this money mess (and other problems) your mother is having -- this is not a healthy mom-daughter relationship that you've got with her: it's a codependency.
If you need a counselor to do this, do get one. Find one that's low cost.
She can get a better job than what she's got and get a roommate (or 2) to help her with expenses.
Do not get involved in your mother's money problems; give her no money. I guarantee you if this starts with giving her money you'll never see the end of it.
I am never one to advise abour rehoming a dog (since I am a dog owner myself and have a few birds, also) but there has to be an economic solution so that the dogs are provided for.
End the codependency --- as i said, your mother can take in a rommmate to aid with expenses.
She can work retail, wait tables, work in an office! She could probably be a receptionist or an admin.
And perhaps take some type of evening school class at a community college to bone up on her office skills, while she's working during the day.
But anyway, it does sound like she is living in her own little world in regards to her situation. I would never (well, almost never) suggest re-homing a pet but does she have any friends or family that would be willing to take in the pets for a short amount of time until she gets back on her feet? That might be a great help, and in the end she'd be able to get the pets back again.
Could she re-vamp her resume and see if she can find a better paying job? At the non-profit I used to work at, we'd do seminars on creating resumes, and held free/very inexpensive classes to help people earn some job/life skills. Perhaps there is something similar in your area that she can look into.. Retail stores are hiring right now so perhaps she could pick up some extra work to help her along for the next month or so too.
If you do decide to let her move in, make sure you, your H and your mom are all on the same page. Have a certain time frame by which she needs to have moved out, make sure everyone is clear on who is responsible for what (chores, groceries, rent,etc) and preferably have this all in writing.
It's a tough situation to be in and I wish you the best of luck! Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat.