Relationships
lotustone
member
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How close is just too close for comfort?
My SO and I have been together for 7 months. While our relationship is largely based on friendship, we were never friends before dating. Half his life ago he went to camp and was fortunate in finding a group of friends who he's remained in close contact with for 15 years. They're his "Camp Crew" with about 20 people (10 from their camp & their spouses or SO's). My SO considers them his "brothers and sisters". They go on several trips throughout the year. I've met them all, gone on a few trips with them all and because we now live in the same city as a few of the couples, we have couples dinners or brunches or meet-ups somewhat regularly.
The Issue:
With such a large group of friends, you're bound to have a few favourites. My SO definitely has a favourite. She happens to be married to another ex-camper who my SO is close with also. I enjoy both she and her husband's company very much and have had them both over for dinner a few times. In larger group gatherings a few things have happened that has made me question whether she and my SO had any sexual and/or emotional relationship in the past. The physical contact between them has escalated to the point wherein the lines are blurred as to what is " normal friendly" and what's simply abnormal in friendship, even close ones.
In the interest of fairness there was a fair bit of alcohol involved in these situations (not that is matters)
Most recently we were all at the engagement party for a fellow ex-camper and as the day went on, some 10 hours after drinking my SO goes and wraps his arms around her from behind and snugly and rests his head close to hers, for a good minute. He then proceeds to cater to her needs (drinks, food, and whatever else she needs.) Again in the interest of fairness, while speaking in a group, her husband noticed my wine glass was empty and offered to fill me up when he went to get his drink.
As the night progressed, a song came on and my boyfriend decided to do a goofy booty shake in front of her. (They have a long-standing joke about my SO's protruding rear so this doesn't surprise me.) She then reaches forward between his legs and grabs his member and starts tugging, all in good fun and laughter, right?
At this point I started getting weird looks from other guests, just imagine how ashamed and embarrassed I felt. I understand that this may had been funny in college, maybe, but now we're adults and professionals in a setting surrounded by other professionals.
A few weeks prior, while we vacationing on the beach in Cape Cod they decided to share a beach towel and nap side by side together, arms brushing against one another. I thought it was a bit odd but then... they're good friends and go way back, right? And she has a one year old son so I automatically assume she must be having sex and new mommies especially, don't fool around, or do they?
A few things here and there have caused me question their history. I'm not sure what the right approach to nip this in the bud is. I'm not interested in revenge with her husband or anything along those lines. That said I'm sure her husband notices as he has tried to cozy up to me a few times. (I think her husband is genuinely interested in me and I'm sure my SO notices her husbands fondness for me.) I always respond politely to his polite complements and such. Still, this whole thing is weird. I'm confused.
There's no doubt in my mind that my SO treasures me. While his affection toward me surpasses this multiple times over, I don't know what to make of their occasional brief moments. I'm not okay with it. Please advise. Thank you!!
Re: How close is just too close for comfort?
Yes - too close for comfort.
But THEN you got to the part about HER DH liking you???
I think you need to have a talk w/ your SO. ASK him what is their past. And tell him that there are certain behaviors between them that make you uncomfortable.
See what his reaction is. Does he get defensive or is he open to talking to you about it? This may be a discussion a few times over.
If you can't bring this up w/ him - then that's a sign of bigger issues in your relationship. Heck- does HE notice the DHs "fondness" for you?
But really... in the end, he needs to learn boundaries and the two of you together really need to start establishing boundaries together as far as what is and isn't appropriate w/ how other people act towards you as a couple.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Hmmm...
1. Only you know when your SO is behaving in a way that you should be concerned or not. Some guys can wrap their arms around a female friend and rest their head on her shoulder and it is honestly nothing, but for some guys, it's not nothing.
2. Initially I want to say that the only thing that seems to cross a boundary is her grabbing his... ahem...firewood (tried to make a camping joke. Sorry.) But again, only you would be able to say that his other behavior is unusual and uncalled for as well.
3. If they had a sexual relationship in the past it honestly does not matter. They are friends now and it sounds like that is something that's not going to change. Have you asked whether they were intimate in the past and he denied it?
4. I think you need to chat with him about boundaries and what makes you uncomfortable. Penis grabbing would for sure be at the top of MY list! If he keeps going on the same way with her after that conversation, I would think you'd have something to worry about. If not, maybe he's just used to this act with her and didn't see it as a big deal. If you make your feelings clear, he'll make his clear through future actions.
5. If the awkward touching DOES stop after you tell him your limits, then move on and live happily with this rowdy bunch of campers.
Oh yeah! The post above made me remember my #6
Are they swingers? 'Cause it sure sounds like it. Yikes.
DH and I are HUGE flirts. One of DHs friends did a similar butt dance while I was in a lawn chair the other weekend. NBD but it would not have struck me as okay to grab his junk. Later DH grabbed this same friend's girl friend's butt. Still no big deal to any of us. HOWEVER IF I HAD THE SLIGHTEST HINT THAT SHE HAD A PROBLEM WITH ANY OF IT, I would tell DH and his friend to knock it off.
Did your SO, his last gf and the other two happen to all have an encounter or two and they are "testing the water" with you? Usually when two couples engage in that sort of scenario there is a dominant from both relationships. It sounds like her DH is trying to get comfortable with you but is afraid of offending you.
This doesn't sound like a "they have a secret extramarital affair" situation to me. If you aren't okay with what's going on tell all of them, your SO first. Once they know you aren't on board it will probably stop. These couples are normally very good about what works for some doesn't work for everybody.
But really how they act together doesn't matter nearly as much as how your SO reacts when you tell him it makes you uncomfortable. That should be all it takes for him to put a stop to it. If he doesn't want to, then you have deeper issues here.
I also think it's weird you haven't just asked him if they've had sex or been in a relationship previously. And that he didn't offer up the info himself when you started hanging out with them if there is info to offer up.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I will tell you that the reason others at that party were looking at you while, after she grabbed his dick is because it's inappropriate and not okay. I don't care how long they have been friends it is NOT okay. I wonder if they are swingers or in an open marriage.
WTH did you do or say after she grabbed him? I would have gone BSC. Your H needs to grow up. Also, LOL at her having a one year old and having sex. This isn't how it was for me. Your H shouldn't be sleeping or napping next to another woman, again what did you say or do? I wonder if your H is along for the ride until you tell him to stop. I wouldn't have trust in my marriage if my H was pulling this shit.
Why wait to see if she is going to say anything? Why can't you say something to her? One thing I don't understand is why she even thought it was ok to do such an act in your presence. It's almost naive to think that it's ok for them to act this way just because they have been friends for so long.
If I were you, I would not have only said something to my boyfriend because she is his friend, but I would've said something to her as well. Just because it SOUNDS like your boyfriend got it under control you need to step in and make sure she knows who you are and the boundaries she needs to follow. If another woman touched my BF/SO/DH junk, her hand would've got cut off right then and there.
My SO has a best friend who is a girl.. but she is also a very close friend of mine now.. she has a bf and they live together and NEVER in a million years would she ever do that to him.. they have dated in the past but only for about 6 months and they were in high school.. she even tells me i can ask her anything and whatever.. I don't think she would disrespect me or even him by doing something like that.. I would honestly either ask her or just even let him have it.. because that behavior is totally not okay!! but hey to each its own if he makes you happy there is nothing you can do about it just enjoy his company and hope she doesnt come in the picture anymore!
good luck!