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Big Newlywed Issues
Hi All,
First time poster here. My husband and I got married this past May after three years together (we were friends for awhile before we started dating). Ever since we got married, we bicker and fight all the time. It is constant, we never used to be this nasty towards each other but now it's an every day occurence. We lived together for 2 years before we got married so co-habitating isn't anything new to us. Our relationship now is so much worse than it was when we were dating.
Shortly after getting married, we bought a house which has been the source of a lot of stress but at the end of the day- everything is seemingly going well for us. We are both in good jobs, we bought a house in a town we wanted to be in.. what is the catch? Why are we fighting all the time? This morning, we fought over the fact that we couldn't find the dog's poop bags (or rather - my husband couldn't find them because he thinks I moved them and then he got mad at me when I couldn't find them). This is happening after he left for the past week to spend time at his parents house - just so we could have time apart from each other.
I just don't know what to do anymore. We both know we have huge issues and are both sick of fighting and we always say we're going to work to 'make things better' but nothing is getting better. To be quite blunt, he really, really just pisses me off sometimes and it's actually gotten to the point where I just don't like him half the time. I don't think he realizes everything that I do to make our house a nice home (between cooking and cleaning) and it's a regular occurence where I am asking him to just please pick up after himself.
I'd be open to counseling but he's not. His mother is pressuring us to have kids, and I am not ready to start a family with him until things drastically change. I just don't know how much longer I can remain in what has become a miserable relationship. I am constantly afraid to say anything to him for fear of his reaction ( he has temper issues) and I hate telling him what to do around the house because to him, that translates into me nagging him and giving him a hard time. Are things going to get better or is this just a lost cause at this point? I don't want to divorce, but I don't want to stay in a relationship that has becoming increasingly miserable. Sometimes I feel like I haven't ended it because I don't want it to seem like I failed in marriage, I had such dreams for us when we got married and now I just don't see where we can have a happy future
any advice would help at this point. Are things going to change ? Is this natural go to through such a rough patch so early on in marriage?
Re: Big Newlywed Issues
I live above a funeral home in an apartment owned by my father. My husband also works for the business. Therapy has helped me coping with boundaries, privacy, as well as understanding my role with my husband. Before therapy, I expected my husband to get things done around the house as he works where we live. I realized that I was constantly nagging him and it was unrealistic for him to do work around the house as well as work. Now we do things together. He may cook while I clean. Sometimes we do the dishes together. Finding a compromise is crucial when you are fighting and arguing with each other. I used to nag my husband for his dirty clothes sprawled everywhere. Finally, I had to make a decision to either ignore it and know it will get done eventually or to do it myself. Now I do both of our laundry without any remorse. Holding on to feelings can also cause problems. Learning to let go is hard, but essential.
I'm not sure why things change as soon as we get married. Some people fear they don't want to become their parents, which causes more stress. It's important to know that this is your marriage, and it should work for you. The truth is the first year is hard, but with perseverance, patience and coping tools, things will get better.
Aside from that I'm reading he's sloppy, ungrateful, ill-tempered, and incapable of understanding your needs. You ask for help and you're nagging him. You're afraid to speak because of his potential reaction. Is this really new behavior? I find it hard to believe everything was peachy up until now.
You should not be arguing over everything and you shouldn't be walking on eggs around him. GL.
I'll give you everything else about compromise and boundaries and expectations. I just can't get over "you don't need to include your husband."
I'm not knocking you (rachie) for doing what you did in going to counseling alone. But these seem like very different circumstances for the OP. At least based on what I've read. Maybe she can shed more light.
Thanks for the feedback everyone.
I should probably clarify a few things. Our relationship was great before marriage, I would not have said yes to his proposal or gotten married if things were bad.
Was he always super helpful around the house? No, so this isn't something new and as I said, we've lived together for a few years so I know that he's not going to be mopping the floors and cleaning the toliets. For me- I am struggling because in buying a house and moving to the suburbs my commute is longer and there is just more to take care of around the house - more to clean more to maintain,etc. With that being said, I am expecting a bit more from him and I don't think that is too much to ask. Unfortunately we have these "talks" and he says he'll help out more and he does for like, a day, and then it is back to leaving clothes everywhere, etc.
I have always been open to therapy and he does not hold the same viewpoint as I do with the benefits of therapy. obviously there are things that we both need to work on.
I think where I'm at now is the fact that we have everything going for us (much to be thankful for, etc) but nothing is getting better, we continue to just fight and bicker. Sometimes I think about him getting so angry over the location of the dog's poop bags and I think, how is it going to be like when/if we have kids? Knowing that he doesn't want to go to therapy and seeing that things aren't getting better, I am almost tempted to present an ultimatium along the lines of if things don't improve by the new year, we should both attend marriage counseling. I don't see what the harm is in it but it's just a matter of convincing him it's the right thing to do.
I got a lot out of going to solo counseling, just because I learned some of the things I was doing tht was making the problem worse. We also addressed some better communication techniques that I could use to help talk through problems.
If he really won't join, I think it's worth trying individual counseling before splitting up.
Look - things aren't going to magically change between now and the end of the year. You know that. So... why are you pushing things off?
You need to do some REAL soul searching here. IS this a dealbreaker? Are you willing to eventually leave if things don't change? If so- TELL HIM that. What does HE think? What is his reaction? Maybe if he realized how serious this is to you- it might kick him in gear. Is he really willing to let you/ the marriage go over his refusal to go to counseling??
But realize- THAT is truly an ultimatum. "If things don't get better/ if you won't go to counseling, then I'm leaving". And you absolutely can NOT throw that down unless you mean it. That's why I say you need to do some real soul searching.
What exactly do you want? What is the line in the sand? Figure this out. Stop the wishy-washy shit.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
he doesn't want to go to counseling, he does not think we need it so early on in our relationship, I do.
As I said, I obviously don't want to divorce him but I can't keep on going on in this relationship in the current state. I clearly want things to improve. He does not want to go to counseling. Our communication is terrible. And to top it off, I can't quite put my finger on what is wrong with the relationship, it is just that the nature of the relationship has changed and we bicker all the time. If the problems were in black and white, I wouldn't be writing for advice on a community message board. That is probably why I seem so "wishy washy" as I don't know what to do at this point, even bringing up counseling leads to a conflict.
I don't think I'd necessarily label my problems and possible solutions as wishy washy, but thanks anyway for labeling my marriage problems as such.
Dude, you came to a board full of people who don't know you. I'm only going off of the words on the screen. Go read your "ultimatum". it's NOT an ultimatum and all these "well... if things don't change" - yes, your behavior is wishy-washy.
That's not labeling your marriage problems. I'm saying that to PUSH you. Don't waste another 2 months on sitting around and waiting for things to magically get better. They aren't going to get better. Especially as your DH thinks that counseling/problems fall on some kind of timeline. The longer the two of you sit around and avoid dealing w/ the issues, they are only going to get worse.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
we clearly need counseling and he won't go so I have to decide if I actually want to draw that line in the sand, and I am not sure if I want to do that yet. I wanted us to go to marriage counseling so we can get to the root of our issues so I guess I am just wishy washy
My point is that throwing out some random, pointless ultimatum is just that - pointless. You don't have to do anything right now if you don't want to, but telling your DH "If things aren't better by the end of the year (which they won't be), I think we should try counseling (which he'll say no to)" simply isn't going to do anything.
Work w/ what you KNOW. Stop throwing out false hope. Stop waiting. Start thinking, REALLY thinking, about what it is that you want, how long you're willing to wait, etc. And heck, start looking up counselors- both individual and marriage. Get names ready so in case he actually realizes "oh crap, things are worse than I thought", you can move on it.
Start preparing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Keep talking with him about his responsibilities around the house. You can't keep doing it all now that there is so much more to do. You can't take on the additional responsibilities of parenthood until he demonstrates the ability to step up and do his share. Agree on which tasks you are each responsible for and when they are supposed to get done. You also need to talk about nagging. Never nag him about something that isn't his responsibility, and don't nag him unless the agreed upon timeframe has passed. I'm sure you don't like nagging him any more than he likes it, but he might not know that. Tell him. Tell him that you hate it when he leaves you no other choice, but you need him to man up and do the things that are his responsibility. When he accuses you of nagging, remind him that you hate nagging him, but he needs to do what he agreed to do in the agreed-upon timeframe, and how would he rather you remind him of that when he's not keeping his word to you?
A lot of people here are focusing on the counseling, and they are right.
BUT, you have the issue of him being against it and you need to fix this situation NOW before it snowballs even further. So, go to counseling yourself. Figure out what your role in the mess is, and what you can do on your end to make things better. There is never a single guilty party and part of making things better is seeing where you are going wrong too. Then maybe try doing a marital book together like "His needs, Her needs: How to Affair-Proof your Marriage". Books like this come with many exercises you can complete individually and give to each other, or work on together if he is willing. Marriage is all about communication and understanding what the other person needs. You need help with household chores, he probably has other needs and if you don't know what they are, you better find out quick. And, conversely, he needs to know your needs so he can fulfill them.
Try to focus on the positive. Write out what you love about each other. Reaffirm these with one another. Be on the lookout for when he DOES help out, and compliment him and make those actions a positive reinforcement for more of the same. If you only look for where he lets you down you are probably glossing over the things he does right (sparse as they may or may not be).
Finally, you havent said whether you have communicated the depth to which you are feeling to him...as in does he realize you are frustrated to the point of daydreaming about divorce? That is pretty serious, and if he realizes how serious this problem is he may just want to join you in counseling. If you are a person of faith you can always start with a priest/chaplain/rabbi ect for free and ready advice, especially if you are close to the person who married you.
on the plus side, things are getting a lot better between my husband and I. he is making a huge effort to be a better husband, we are trying to communicate without getting so angry, and we both acknowledge that getting married then buying a house in a time span of 4 months is a lot of life changes. I think that stress really lead to a lot of resentment on my end and a lot of frustration on his end. things are getting better, thankfully. I am still going to do counseling on my own. thank you all for the advice.