Was I insensitive? (loss mentioned) - Long

brij2006 · November 2013

Okay, so thoughts needed on this.

We have a couple of friends that live in Las Vegas, and we're pretty close with them. H went out to Vegas a couple of months ago, and let this friend know then that we were expecting. They had gone through a m/c a year earlier, so H felt comfortable telling him this, and I knew I would want her support if anything were to happen.

This past weekend he stood up in the wedding along with H. At the rehearsal dinner I ordered a glass of wine, and he was sitting next to me. He asked me if I was ordering that because of what he thinks? I told him unfortunately yes. We talked about the IF, the m/c, cried of course, and he said he was going to call and tell his wife that night (she was at home with their 2 daughters).

Well the next night we got talking about some different things, and he just casually mentioned that they had unprotected sex the other night and had to go to the store and get a Plan B pill. H asked him why, and he said because their family is complete with 2 children and they don't want any more (their 2nd child is 4 months old). This is where I stepped out of the room and went to the bathroom to ugly cry. He later asked me if I was okay, and I told him yes. His wife called this morning because she wanted to chat and see if I wanted to talk. Then she brought up me walking away from her husband this weekend after he told me about the Plan B pill. I told her that after trying for months and not getting pregnant, being told I couldn't just "woops" get pregnant, getting on medication and finally getting pregnant, then to lose the child. I felt that they were 2 people who would understand and be sensitive to our feelings and the subject (they always have been). So hearing that they took a Plan B, it just hurt. I told her that I know this is their family decision, and it has nothing to do with us. But it would've been different if he hadn't known about everything, and mentioned this.

I told H about our conversation, and he says that I'm being insensitive. That their situation has nothing to do with us, and our situation has nothing to do with them. And that I need to call the guy friend and apologize for walking away this weekend. I'm not angry or mad with them about taking the Plan B. That is what works best for their family right now, and that's a decision they have made.

Was I really insensitive to walk away, or say what I did on the phone? I didn't/don't want to hurt their feelings with this, because I feel we both do need their words and support right now. But I also don't see where I need to apologize for my actions. Neither one of them were hurt by it. Why couldn't he have just never told us that? It would be so much better.

RockABye · November 2013

I personally don't think you were insensitive given how recent your loss was (even regardless of how long it has or hasn't been). I think the guy was insensitive to talk about that situation given you'd JUST had the conversation about your loss the night before. It has nothing to do with their personal family decision, it has to do with the timing of him telling you that knowing that you just lost a very loved and desired baby. I would've had to walk away too for fear of breaking down. He probably meant no harm in telling you and may have just had a "whoops... oh crap I shouldn't have said that" moment when he brought it up too. Only he knows.

I also don't think there was anything wrong with you telling the guy's wife that on the phone. She is the one who brought it up so i don't see anything wrong with it. If you'd just brought it up out of the blue to her, then maybe it would've been inappropriate or weird, but since she initiated that topic, I see nothing wrong with you telling her respectfully how you felt. It was just poor timing on the guy's part if you ask me.

((hugs))

ILoveRedVino · November 2013

I'd react the same.

I don't think you're being overly sensitive at all. You'd JUST had the conversation about mc and IF.

islandmonkey8 · November 2013

I can't agree more with RAB. I don't see you in the wrong here. Lots of ((hugs)).

LuckyAngel07 · November 2013

I'm with everyone else. I certainly don't think I could've sat there and just listened to him talk about that after going through everything you have so recently.

brij2006 · November 2013

Thank you girls. H is wanting me to call them and apologize on my drive home, but I don't feel there's any need to. I wanted to make sure I wasn't just being stubborn about the situation, and I really did say/do something that seemed out of line.

My actions and words haven't been "me" the past couple of weeks, and I don't want to burn a supportive friendship because I don't agree with a decision they made.

amandaf6383 · November 2013

Oh hun,I'ms sorry. You're not being insensitive at all. Big hugs.

RockABye · November 2013

Was the girl offended at your comments on your actions at all? If she was, then I might consider calling her just to smooth things over and saying something like "I didn't mean to offend or drive a wedge between us, but I have just been having a hard time due to our loss and hearing about that just hurt my heart at the moment. I love you guys and want to hear about important things in your life, but that caught me off guard due to everything going on."

I don't think something like that would necessarily be an apology but also might soften her if she was upset by your actions/comment. Just a though. I still stand by my original comment that I don't feel like you were insensitive at all though and no apology is necessary.

brij2006 · November 2013

@rockabye I think the husband is more confused as to why I walked away after he told me that. Which is why his wife asked about it today.

Maybe I will call him and just say to him the same things I did to her this morning. I'm not angry or anything, but given the situation and timing, it was something I wish he just wouldn't have told us at that time.

I'm not sure if something was said to H after I walked away that night, because he is acting like I was very rude and was judging them for choosing to take the Plan B. But for me I just needed to walk out and collect myself so I didn't ugly cry in the middle of the reception.

barefootbluejean204 · November 2013

brij2006 said:

Thank you girls. H is wanting me to call them and apologize on my drive home, but I don't feel there's any need to. I wanted to make sure I wasn't just being stubborn about the situation, and I really did say/do something that seemed out of line.

^I don't feel there would be any need to either based on your story...but if DH would like you to since it is his friend I think I would respect that. *Hugs* and so sorry you are dealing with it. If it were me I probably would have just started bawling right then and there so I think you handled it the best you could<3

mrsvedo · November 2013

I'm on team not insensitive. I'm also scratching my head about what made him think bringing up the need for Plan B was appropriate at all, much less right after the discussion you'd had.

ecinereb · November 2013

I don't think you were insensitive at all, sometimes it's best to walk away in those situations rather than cry in public or say something you don't mean.

I think if it's important to your H you should call but you don't need to apologize just smooth things over (like what you said to the wife).

seahorse01 · November 2013

I'm team DH, but it seems I'm in the minority. I would apologize.

lindsayandjamie · November 2013

I don't think you were insensitive and I don't think you need to apologize. You did nothing wrong.

Xan921 · November 2013

I'm kind of torn on this one. While I don't think you were being insensitive, it clearly did upset your friends or else the husband wouldn't have told the wife about it and the wife wouldn't have brought it up in your conversation.

I understand you wanting to walk away from the situation and I think you were justified to do so given what you've been through, but being that you want their friendship and support, I'd say something like "I'm sorry if me walking away upset you, but the conversation went in a direction that upset me at the time and I needed a moment to gather myself" that way you are covering the apology that your Dh wants you to give but also letting them know that it was just a bad timing conversation rather than you not wanting to hear about a big decision that they made.

I cannot even begin to understand what a loss is like, but I just worry that little actions like this and the encounter with the lady rubbing your belly the other week may be shutting people out a bit. While people need to be sensitive, you also don't want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around you.

spongebobsquarepanties · November 2013

Hey, I am sorry about your loss, brij.

I just wanted to offer a different perspective on this. You mentioned that you appreciate their support and you want it to continue. As we often say here, support is a two way street. Taking plan b is not an easy decision and it seems to me that your friend was telling you because it was bothering him. I know it was inappropriate timing for you, and I am sorry it upset you. I just think that your frirnd was sharing that because he needed support too. He probably felt safe telling you because you had shared your own intimate details.

While I do think he was insensitive to talk about it to you at the time, I do think that you should say something to smooth things over because you unintentionally shamed them when they were seeking your support.

nfp147 · November 2013

I think you need to make sure your friends know that it was the timing and what he told you about the plan B that upset you and not that you are upset/judging them for using it. If the H and your H are both concerned about it, perhaps they think you are judging them.

I don't know that an apology is in order, but I would make sure you clarify to them exactly why you were upset.

BruinsBabe33 · November 2013

I agree with SBSP and NFP. I'm sorry that the timing was bad, but I don't think he meant to be insensitive and I think you may have been unintentionally insensitive.

DangerMuffin23 · November 2013

I don't think an apology is in order on either side. I agree with sbsp in that maybe a further convo to clear the air with both of them would help. It sounds like you're both in a sad place. I would have run out too bc I hate to cry in public. If merely try once more to clear up the misunderstanding but an apology isn't necessary.

brij2006 · November 2013

@spongebobsquarepanties I like the way you said that, and completely agree with it.

I called him on my way home from work last night and just chatted with him about it. They really are amazing friends, and we would hate to lose them and their support. So I didn't feel comfortable going on without clearing the air about the situation.

DangerMuffin23 · November 2013

Love the update.

Xan921 · November 2013

I'm glad that you got it all taken care of, @Brij2006!

lindsayandjamie · November 2013

Good for you for calling to chat to show there are no weird feelings. Good move Brij.

Was I insensitive? (loss mentioned) - Long

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