BF and Mom issues...HELP!!!

iwantcake · November 2013

I am at my wits end. For reasons unknown, my Bf hates my mother. This has been going on since the 1st time they met, and he will not tell me what happened. He tells me he feels that she is "competitive" with him and combative, but honestly, I have been with them every time they are together and I am not seeing this!! I live in a different state than my mom, so the meetings are few and far between, but after this holiday filled with tension, her and I have decided that we all are not going to spend time together any longer, as she doesn't feel comfortable with him, since he is critical of everything she says, and he flys off the handle if she doesn't agree with him

This is hard, as all I want is to be able to have my mom and future husband spend time together but it is just not workable. How are we supposed to have a future with kids when he hates grandma so much?? Does anyone else have this? How do you deal? I feel so hurt and upset, not only for myself, but I feel horrible for my mom as she wants him to like her.

Sillygirl45 · November 2013

Your BF sounds like a controlling asshole who doesn't want you to have a close relationship with anyone but him.

His statement and behavior are alarming. He thinks your mom is competitive, but can't explain why. He feels he has the right to be disrespectful and aggressive (flying off the handle) toward her and your solution is to give up your relationship with her? What?

Do not give up your relationship with your mother to appease him. That is ridiculous. Next it will be your friends, then your job. This guy has a serious problem. I would break it off with him for flying off the handle toward anyone. That kind of behavior is not normal. Especially unprovoked.

Why would you tolerate behavior like this from a boyfriend? PLEASE do not marry this man and DO NOT get pregnant.

SmrBrd2012 · November 2013

If I were you, I would demand examples, especially if you have no idea why he would feel this way towards her. Not everyone gets along with their in-laws but it's still pretty important for one to be respectful of his or her partner. Your BF doesn't sound very respectful towards you or your mother.

iwantcake · November 2013

Oh, just to clarify what I mean by "her and I have decided that we all are not going to spend time together anymore"....not that her and I wont see each other again, just that we will not spend time the 3 of us again. Its not worth the hassle

Im definitely having 2cd thoughts about this relationship based on this whole situation. This is not how I want to spend my life!

Greco1014 · November 2013

iwantcake said:

Oh, just to clarify what I mean by "her and I have decided that we all are not going to spend time together anymore"....not that her and I wont see each other again, just that we will not spend time the 3 of us again. Its not worth the hassle
Im definitely having 2cd thoughts about this relationship based on this whole situation. This is not how I want to spend my life!

I don't expect that my DH be best buds with my parents, but I would not marry a man who couldn't be around my parents at all. Especially in your case, given the fact that you haven't witnessed your mom being rude to your BF, and given the fact that your BF can't even provide examples of your mom being competitive.

And frankly, I don't feel there's any excuse for your BF "flying off the handle" at your mother. If she WERE being rude to him, he should politely remove himself from the situation and discuss the problem with you later. He should not be losing his temper and behaving disrespectfully.

Honestly, lose this guy. Otherwise, you are setting yourself for a lifetime of this sort of heartache.

CowgirlK39 · November 2013

You say he is your bf but then call him your future husband.... I suggest you make him neither. Like PPs said, he doesn't have to be best friends with your mom, but he should respect her and respect you enough to just sit there and bite his younger if he doesn't agree with her. He sounds like a jerk, and it sounds like you are seeing all the red flags of a bad relationship. Ditch him. You are right.... You do not want to spend the rest of your life like this. He's not "the one" so move on.

Leftie22 · December 2013

So you haven't seen your mom behaving badly toward your BF, but you have seen him be rude/angry/disrespectful towards your mom? If so, your DH has the problem, and he needs to do something about it! I'm curious, what makes him "fly off the handle" with her? And do you really want to never be able to hang out with your mom and your BF for the rest of your life, because your BF can't behave properly? This sounds terrible, and like you both owe your mom an apology. Don't marry someone who will distance you from your mom for no reason.

Disneygeek77 · December 2013

Leave now and don't look back. There is no future here, at least not a happy and healthy one.

In just two paragraphs, you have already identified a few red flags of someone with an abusive personality. I would be willing to be money there are more. Please read the below article and think seriously about this relationship.

http://www.northwestern.edu/womenscenter/issues-information/relationship-violence/warning-signs-abusive-person.html

Again, I would just leave, fast. No couples counseling, no second chances, just save yourself a lot of heartache and wasted time and end things.

JemmaWRX · December 2013

If he can't provide concrete proof or examples, and you have never witnessed anything, I'd dump him. This sounds like the start if controlling, abusive behavior.

Does he have issues with other family members or friends?

EastCoastBride · December 2013

Yeah... I'm in the "dump him" camp. He won't even tell you what she did that was SOOOOO horrible other than she's "competitive" with him (which you don't even see) and wants nothing to do w/ her.

This guy doesn't sound like a good guy.

EastCoastBride · December 2013

Coming back to this- you need to REALLY examine what this all says about your BF. From his 1st meeting with her, he's decided he doesn't like her for reasons you can't see. And HE'S the one who is actually combative with her (flying off the handle is what I would call combative).

This is your MOM. You clearly love her, you clearly have a relationship with her, and THIS is how he treats her? I assume he says he loves you, right? And this is how he treats someone YOU love?

There are many situations to dislike your SOs parents and want nothing to do w/ them. But what you've described doesn't sound like that. Your situation sounds like your BF is a douche and he's showing you, very clearly, a pretty big character trait of his.

cclejeune · December 2013

I agree with everyone above. My husband loves my parents and truly respects them, and that makes everything so much easier; holidays are a joy and our family gatherings are extremely pleasant for everyone involved. That wasn't necessarily a requirement for a future husband, but it definitely makes things better for everyone.

If he doesn't respect your mother, and you can't see any reason why that is and he's flying off the handle about stuff and being rude and unkind to her, that says a lot about how he'll treat you when the newness wears off.

Be careful, and good luck.

MrsLibsters · December 2013

Hi! I just read your post. I'm in a similar situation, only I'm the one who doesn't much appreciate his mother. Ours is cultural though, and as our pastor pointed out, each home has it's own standard of normal and it's own view of culture. So, in my opinion, a few things absolutely must happen in order for you to have an semblance of civility. One, as previously pointed out, he must give you examples. If you don't know what the problem is, how can you possibly them to fix it? Two, he needs to be open and honest. The picture you painted left a lot of questions. Perhaps he has mommy issues that only he can fix. Could it be jealousy? Pressure and insecurity? Three, you and him need to have an honest discussion about family differences. It's easy for you and I to say what and what isn't normal about our families based on our up-bringing, and so it is for him. Religion, heritage, socioeconomic status - all play a major role in our world perception. Are gender roles more conservative in his family? If so, can he adjust his perspective? If not, can you - happily? A lot of these aforementioned things can be fixed. Remember, America is a melting pot and we do not have a true, predictable culture. After you do this, if you do this, you should then examine if working on it is worth it to you. You made no mention how long you have been together. If this is a newer relationship, you have a long and difficult road ahead of you.
If, however, you find no plausible workable answer, he may merely be trying to isolate you. If that's the case, end it immediately. "Flying off the handle" and isolation are indeed signs of an abuser. As an unbiased, unknowning on-looker, I am asking you to do some research and make sure you aren't slowly falling into a terrible situation that no person deserves to be in. Good luck, and tread with honesty and caution.

iwantcake · December 2013

Thanks to everyone for their candor. Your replies are appreciated, but I did want to confront the "abuse" and "isolation" aspects of your replies. Ive spent the past few days researching abuse, and while I can agree that to an outsider that he might be trying to isolate me from my mom, that could not be further from the case. I go home to visit her every few months, with no resistance from him. Also, I am free to spend as much time with friends and doing my own hobbies as I want, so I really do not think its a matter of abuse or isolation. I truely do think its a matter of broken communication and not knowing how to right the wrongs( and I also realize that by saying that, some of you will say I am in denial)

After talking with my mom and some friends about this, we HAVE noticed signs in the past that he is sensitive and, as HIS mom puts it, doesnt deal well with adversity. This past weekend, his mom told him he needs to stop being so sensitive. I actually found it interesting that she called him out on this, and even MORE interesting that he agrees. Additionally, he agrees that he did not do a "great" job in trying to build a relationship with my mom, and is going to work on it.So, while I have no hopes that mom and BF can be "best friends forever", I do feel that he now understands how important this is to me, and he might be more cognizant of his behavor.

We have been dating for 3 years, just moved in together and are looking at rings. Im too invested in this relationship at this point to move on just because the two of them dont see eye to eye, and am more concerned about mending this broken relationship so that we can move on with our lives...together....

Kimbus22 · December 2013

iwantcake said:

Thanks to everyone for their candor. Your replies are appreciated, but I did want to confront the "abuse" and "isolation" aspects of your replies. Ive spent the past few days researching abuse, and while I can agree that to an outsider that he might be trying to isolate me from my mom, that could not be further from the case. I go home to visit her every few months, with no resistance from him. Also, I am free to spend as much time with friends and doing my own hobbies as I want, so I really do not think its a matter of abuse or isolation. I truely do think its a matter of broken communication and not knowing how to right the wrongs( and I also realize that by saying that, some of you will say I am in denial)
After talking with my mom and some friends about this, we HAVE noticed signs in the past that he is sensitive and, as HIS mom puts it, doesnt deal well with adversity. This past weekend, his mom told him he needs to stop being so sensitive. I actually found it interesting that she called him out on this, and even MORE interesting that he agrees. Additionally, he agrees that he did not do a "great" job in trying to build a relationship with my mom, and is going to work on it.So, while I have no hopes that mom and BF can be "best friends forever", I do feel that he now understands how important this is to me, and he might be more cognizant of his behavor.
We have been dating for 3 years, just moved in together and are looking at rings. Im too invested in this relationship at this point to move on just because the two of them dont see eye to eye, and am more concerned about mending this broken relationship so that we can move on with our lives...together....

You're going to be a hell of a lot more invested a few years down the line. And you'll likely have children who grow up thinking it's fine to treat people like shit for no discernible reason. Really, 3 years is nothing. I find it really hard to believe that this guy is ONLY unreasonable about your mother. Just the fact that you say he "doesn't resist" you spending time with your mom and you are "free" to spend time with people is troubling. He should encourage you to have good relationships in your life, not just allow you to be around others.

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

Yea, just because you are with this guy for 3 years and are living with him doesn't mean you are obligated to stick with him if he's not treating you right. He doesn't have to be BFF with your mom, but he still should be respectful towards her. He can't even give you concrete examples of what she's done to upset him? Something is wrong there. My H doesn't really care for my parents either, and I don't exactly care for his - not because of anything the parents have done to us personally, but more so just differences of opinions and lifestyle, and regardless, we both treat our parents cordially and with respect. OP, if your boyfriend can't even do that, that really says a lot about how he will treat you in the future. Not saying he is abusive, but I would still have my guard up if I were you. If you do wind up getting engaged, I strongly suggest pre-marital counseling so you are on the same page.

Sillygirl45 · December 2013

We have been dating for 3 years, just moved in together and are looking at rings. Im too invested in this relationship at this point to move on just because the two of them dont see eye to eye, and am more concerned about mending this broken relationship so that we can move on with our lives...together....
No! This line of thinking is a huge mistake. You are never too invested in a relationship to open your eyes and see what troubles lie ahead. Do not ignore red flags because you don't want to move on. YOU WILL REGRET IT!
Has he given you a reason he dislikes your mom so much and feels he has a right to be so incredibly disrespectful to anyone, much less your mother? If he can't give you an answer to such a simple question, you have such a big problem here. What happens when you have kids and he starts flying off the handle at them and won't discuss it with you? Or when he slowly decides anyone you hang out with is an asshole for some unknown reason and starts snapping at them?
If he can't or won't communicated with you AND shows signs of aggression GET OUT! I don't know if he's abusive, has anger issues, or is just an asshole to your mom. It really doesn't matter. I'd be out of there.

EastCoastBride · December 2013

O.k., fine, don't move out. BUT take the ring shopping/ wedding planning SLOW SLOW SLOW. It's great that he supposedly recognizes some of his issues, but "recognizing" really means nothing unless he does something to fix it.

Do not say with him JUST because you've been together 3 years. Which SERIOUSLY is just a drop in the bucket and hardly an "investment" in which to force a relationship to continue over. Marriage and CHILDREN are a hell of a lot more binding than 3 years and living together.

Again- slow down. Work on this issue. You already mentioned it yourself - what happens years down the road when you have kids? Daddy stays home while you and the kids to go to see your mom? Or you never, ever see your mom on the holidays ever again because daddy can't be nice to her?

Don't keep blinders on over this. Be smart. MOVE SLOWLY and figure this out.

JemmaWRX · December 2013

I agree with PP. Take it slow. Give him an opportunity to actually work on himself and cultivate a better relationship with your Mom before taking big steps. Be realistic though. He might actually be willing and able to make this work. But people don't change too easily. And everyone is right, 3 years is nothing compared to a lifetime.

Regarding your comment that he "doesn't resist"... That's not good enough. My relationship with my ILs is tense. I still encourage my husband to call them, see them, answer the phone when they call. Because despite my issues with them, they are his parents. They love him. And I love them, flaws and all.

Janessadawn · December 2013

iwantcake said:

Thanks to everyone for their candor. Your replies are appreciated, but I did want to confront the "abuse" and "isolation" aspects of your replies. Ive spent the past few days researching abuse, and while I can agree that to an outsider that he might be trying to isolate me from my mom, that could not be further from the case. I go home to visit her every few months, with no resistance from him. Also, I am free to spend as much time with friends and doing my own hobbies as I want, so I really do not think its a matter of abuse or isolation. I truely do think its a matter of broken communication and not knowing how to right the wrongs( and I also realize that by saying that, some of you will say I am in denial)
After talking with my mom and some friends about this, we HAVE noticed signs in the past that he is sensitive and, as HIS mom puts it, doesnt deal well with adversity. This past weekend, his mom told him he needs to stop being so sensitive. I actually found it interesting that she called him out on this, and even MORE interesting that he agrees. Additionally, he agrees that he did not do a "great" job in trying to build a relationship with my mom, and is going to work on it.So, while I have no hopes that mom and BF can be "best friends forever", I do feel that he now understands how important this is to me, and he might be more cognizant of his behavor.

No. These are excuses to try and justify his behavior--he can be "sensitive" and not "deal well with adversity" but still get along with his SO's family. (Especially since there hasn't been any adversity from her in the past.) I have been in this situation. No matter what any of us say, you will have to come to this conclusion on your own, but in some subversive psychological ways, it is borderline abusive. You may not think he's isolating you from her, but by making the situation so bad that the 3 of you can't be in the same room, he is. He says he'll work on it, but I'd be surprised. I spent time alone with my mom at least once a week, but that didn't make up for the other behavior.

We have been dating for 3 years, just moved in together and are looking at rings. Im too invested in this relationship at this point to move on just because the two of them dont see eye to eye, and am more concerned about mending this broken relationship so that we can move on with our lives...together....

This is exactly how he wants you to think--like you can't leave, that it's too difficult and easier to stay and try to "mend" things than start your life over. We lived together for 4 years and I was terrified to leave, but I can't tell you how wonderful it felt when I finally stopped having to answer to him.

You say you're not seeing this behavior he alleges. Deep down in your heart, I think you know that he isn't being rational or fair. You deserve to have a relationship with someone who is a true partner and who doesn't cut you down or make you feel guilty about anything, ever.

BF and Mom issues...HELP!!!

Re: BF and Mom issues...HELP!!!

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