Mother is trying to make me feel guilty about moving out...Help!

TheDeathLlama · December 2013

I'm 21 years old and currently live at home. It's always been just my mother and me and our dogs, and the only time I moved away was for about a year and a half in college (and even then I came home weekends). I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 8 months, and we're getting pretty serious. We've discussed moving in together (I'm 21, he's 25, both done with college and working good full-time jobs), but not for another six months, which would put us at a little over the 1 year mark by the time we move in together. I brought this up in passing to my mother about three weeks ago, and now she keeps slipping it into conversations. She was already saying that because I spend three nights a week with him that I'm choosing him over her and our dog. And now that I've mentioned our desire to live together six months down the line, it's only gotten worse. She keeps saying I'm abandoning my family and when I object by saying that I'd still come back and visit weekly or biweekly, she says it's not the same. Even when it starts out as a joking comment and I laugh it off, she starts leading with questions like "What if I want to go to brunch and you're not here? You don't mind just leaving [our dog] here on his own because you don't live here anymore?" and when I get upset and ask why she's being so dramatic and trying to make me feel like a bad daughter she lashes out and says that it's not dramatic since it is in fact abandoning them it just starts a fight. I understand that she's sad that I may be leaving, but I don't think it's fair to feel guilty for starting the post-college stage of my life and moving out for a happy, positive reason. Am I wrong for feeling this way? And if not, how do I approach her about the constant guilt tripping without it coming off as accusatory? Sorry this is so long, but this is really hard for me and I'm not sure what to do. Thank you for any advice!

EastCoastBride · December 2013

HOnestly, I'd stop trying to "explain" things. Stop saying "But I'll come back...". Of course you will- but she will only use that as ammo.

She isn't dealing w/ this well. Stop talking/defending it for now.

About the ONLY thing I would say is "Mom, I'm an adult. It's time for me to move out. You knew this time was coming. I'm not going to argue this with you. If you want to try and make me feel bad, that's on you. I will leave the room/ hang up (whatever) every time you cut me down over this."

And then do just that.

You can't control her feelings, but you can control your reaction AND you don't have to sit around and listen to her guilt trips.

SmrBrd2012 · December 2013

Agree with PP. Your mom can't seriously think you are going to spend the rest of your life living with her. I'd tell her you thought she would be happy that you are moving forward with a healthy relationship and doing something that will bring you happiness. She's obviously not taking it well. At least you are giving her adequate notice to adjust to the change. Sounds like she's afraid of living alone. My mom is single and she always guilt trips me about not visiting enough but was nowhere near this bad when I moved out. Hopefully she will adjust by the time you do move out.

Leftie22 · December 2013

So...she wants you to live with her forever, or else you're abandoning her? Because every person who has ever moved out abandoned their family? It's totally ridiculous, and you're completely right that she's just trying to make you feel guilty. Don't take the bait, and know that it's perfectly normal for you to want to go and make your own life. Your mom probably knows that too, on some level. Tell her you don't want to hear any more negative comments, or you won't want to be around her!

Sillygirl45 · December 2013

This sounds really unhealthy for both of you. You need to talk to her and as other posters suggested, tell her you're not going to listen to it anymore. Seriously. Then do what you said you would, leave the room, walk away, hang up when she starts. If she still doesn't let up I think she needs some counseling. She can't count on you like this.

You're not abandoning anyone. Tell her this isn't up for discussion. Whether you move in with your boyfriend or just move out on your own, you're leaving eventually. She has to adjust and realize this.

artbyallie · December 2013

I think you should live somewhere on your own before moving in with your boyfriend. I hated living alone for the most part, but I recognize that it was good for me to be independent, at least for a year or two. You need to prove that you're not codependent.

erollis · December 2013

artbyallie said:
I think you should live somewhere on your own before moving in with your boyfriend. I hated living alone for the most part, but I recognize that it was good for me to be independent, at least for a year or two. You need to prove that you're not codependent.

I lived on my own for 2 years. I really liked having my own space. My H lived 3 months just himself and he loved it. It's very different then living with roommates/ family/ SO. You learn about yourself, grow as a person and are responsible for no one but you (and no one is responsible for you).

But I do agree with everyone else. Don't let your mom make you feel guilty. They all had excellent advice on dealing with her.

Ilumine · December 2013

1) you need to stop telling her that you will come back to visit weekly or bi-weekly.

Outside of the fact that you can't fulfill these promises (you know, when life gets in the way), you shouldn't fulfill these promises. You need to be able to live your life to its fullest so you can continue to grow into the person you are meant to be. You cannot do that if you are tied down to visiting ANYONE twice a week.

And more importantly, do you seriously think that it is ok to force your significant other and eventually future children to put their lives on hold 1 to 2 times a week so they can visit your mother? Your marriage wouldn't last and your kids would come to resent the hell out of you

2) Do not move in with your BF.

- You need to learn how to be YOU without anyone else's influences. This is important in making your relationship grow. Because while you MIGHT grow together, you could just as easily grow up apart. I know that I went from College into living with my Grandmother and Great Grandparents (to help my grandmother with Nana and Papa) and I know that I did not grow into my own person until I moved out on my own.

- How can you prove to your mother that you are an adult if you go from one house with someone there to take care of you to another house with someone to take care of you?

Living with roommates is different than living with a partner.

3) Your mother needs to get some help. She cannot go through life having you be her sole emotional support. IT is not healthy and extremely detrimental. God forbid you die. What then? And what happens if you have children? Do you want your children to be subjected to this?

You need to nip this in the bud now.

Good luck.

Erikan73 · December 2013

You shouldn't feel guilty. I've seen it friends who have kids your age, they have made their kids the center of their worlds for so long & did everything for their kids. Now when their kids are off to college or moving out on their own, they don't know what to do because they have no interest of their own and no friends either because they shut everyone else out for the sake of their kids. It's hard for them to adjust and it sounds like this is what your mom is going through.

Now may be a good time to try to get her involved in activities to meet some new people her age so she can make some friends to go to brunch with or the movies. Maybe even join a knitting/quilting group, something she enjoys doing where she will have something weekly to look forward to and to fill some time.

Good luck!!

Tofumonkey · December 2013

Put a sign up above your front door labeled 'Bates Motel' and see if she gets the hint.

mariagarcia495 · December 2013

I know you love your boyfriend ,But sometimes you need to understand the importance of relations as you got a boyfriend a better job now,It is still your mother responsibility to ask you so because we always forget how we were raised and what difficulties did they face to grow you ,so that scenerio comes up in their mind.You are young so talk to her explain it to her speak from a daughter to mothers point of view and then may be she will understand your relation, you and your mother lacks communication and affection so try speaking heart to heart and sort it out.

Janessadawn · December 2013

What if, instead of moving out in 6 months to live with your bf, you move out *now* and live on your own? (Provided this is financially feasible for you.) Your mother is extremely codependent and eventually that will negatively impact your relationship. Don't make promises to come visit on any certain schedule because you need to get out and live your life--and she needs to do the same. Tell her you will visit when your schedule allows and leave it at that.

As far as the dog goes--he isn't a kid, you can leave him on his own for a while! She will still be there to look after him so it's not like you're just abandoning him. If she wants to go to brunch with you, she can pick up the phone, provided that she isn't doing so on a daily basis. In any case, you two need to have a boundaries talk.

Mother is trying to make me feel guilty about moving out...Help!

Re: Mother is trying to make me feel guilty about moving out...Help!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards