XP: Collecting on an "IOU" wedding gift

Re: XP: Collecting on an "IOU" wedding gift

• TarponMonoxide member

  

  November 2013

  They should have written you a check for the money back then and that would have been the gift.
  
  You're shy about asking for it? The 2 of you should sit down with his father and his wife and say, "The money that was promised to us as a future gift would sure come in handy right about now. If you guys don't mind, could we have our gift now?"
  
  And let them take it from there.
  
  Ask for it once.  Give them a reasonable amount of time to forward the gift --- and if they forward nothing by then, guess that'll be it.:(   Chalk it up to experience at that point.
  
  Things might have changed in the meanwhile. YOu never know what kind of money problems somebody's encountered since then.
  

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• Sillygirl45 member

  

  December 2013

  How is their relationship strained over this money if it hasn't been brought up since?

  
  

  How you proceed depends on his parents. Can they afford it? Did they just forget? He needs to take the lead on this. I would never ask my in-laws for anything, promised or not. This is his baby now. 

  
  

  If they wanted to give you money, they should have just done it. There really shouldn't be a stipulation of a future purchase. 

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• duckie1905 member

  

  December 2013

  Thank you both for your thoughtful responses.  My husband's relationship with his father is strained for many reasons but part of the strain is one-sided on my husband's part because of this money. I guess their relationship contains a lot of IOUs that were never honored, which should have given me my answer about the whole thing straight away.

  
  

  Ultimately, I've always known that the final decision to ask or not to ask has always rested squarely on my husband's shoulders.

  
  

  Thanks so much for taking the time to respond!

  
  

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• Leftie22 member

  

  December 2013

  Yeah, I probably wouldn't ask. It's a nice idea, but maybe they just don't have the money. Your DH might need to let go of the idea of his FIL "owing" him anything. It would be great if they stepped up and honored it, but they haven't, and there must be a reason for it. Since you don't need the money, I would try to let it go. Or, your DH could let them know that you don't need the money, but that he's disappointed about the broken promises. I get why he'd be upset about them not keeping their word, more than the money part of it.

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• JemmaWRX member

  

  December 2013

  Don't ask for the gift. If they want to give you the money, they will. My ILs also didn't give us a card/gift for our wedding and keep promising us something but it's never coming. I'm ok with that and I definitely am never asking for the gift.

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• R.Wilsonny member

  

  December 2013

  I agree. As embarassing as this is to say, my own parents did something like this too. In fact, they gave us a check, put it inside of another gift box for a glass vase they gave us, we didn't see it (obviously - some of the physical gifts we got, we didn't take out of the boxes right away because we had nowhere to put them until we bought our house a year later), and they didn't say anything until about 2 weeks after we came back from our honeymoon asking us a) if we saw the check and b) if so, don't cash it because there wasn't enough money in their account to cover the check. I would have preferred they give us nothing at all if they didn't have the money because doing something like this is even worse and just embarrassing. This was over 2 years ago - both my H and I agreed that its not worth it to say anything at this point.

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• Disneygeek77 member

  

  December 2013

  I have a feeling they never really intended on giving you the money.  I mean, maybe at the time t they hoped to be able to one day, but deep down they knew it was never gonna happen.  That is why they purposely gave you a gift that could only be given in the future, but they wanted to give their son and BIG and nice gift, so they came up with the "$5000 for his first house" idea.

  I mean sure you can delicately bring it up, but don't get your hopes up.  You aren't getting the money. 

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• erollis member

  

  December 2013

  If I was your H I would talk to them about always giving out IOUs and never (or almost never) following through. A card from the dollar store by itself is much more appreciated then empty promises. And what if you two have a kid(s)? Will they give them empty promises (IOUs) too?
  
  The talk needs to be about feelings surrounding these IOUs. A card and affordable gift is much more thoughtful. Because sometimes it isn't the thought that counts.

  Planning Bio

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• Sillygirl45 member

  

  December 2013

  erollis said:

  If I was your H I would talk to them about always giving out IOUs and never (or almost never) following through. A card from the dollar store by itself is much more appreciated then empty promises. And what if you two have a kid(s)? Will they give them empty promises (IOUs) too? The talk needs to be about feelings surrounding these IOUs. A card and affordable gift is much more thoughtful. Because sometimes it isn't the thought that counts.

  This is a good point. Maybe it's time for him to have a heart to heart about how hurtful broken promises are. They may just be big talkers who would really like to do these things, but it's not going to happen. It might not hurt for H to point out they need to be more realistic with themselves as well as those they are giving IOU's to.

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• R.Wilsonny member

  

  December 2013

  erollis said:

  If I was your H I would talk to them about always giving out IOUs and never (or almost never) following through. A card from the dollar store by itself is much more appreciated then empty promises. And what if you two have a kid(s)? Will they give them empty promises (IOUs) too?
  
  The talk needs to be about feelings surrounding these IOUs. A card and affordable gift is much more thoughtful. Because sometimes it isn't the thought that counts.

  This is how I felt about the 'hidden' check my parents gave H & I for our wedding. I would have rather they just gave us the card and vase and left it at that, rather do what they did.
  
  

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• Ilumine mod

  

  December 2013

  The gift is never going to happen, but a conversation about the pattern of giving needs to be addressed for your DH to be able to move on with his life AND for you to both to be able to establish your boundaries before you have children. 

  
  

  Your husband should not approach the conversation and this particular gift in a "hey are you going to give us the money, if not then you need to do X."

  
  

  But in a more:

  
  

  "Mom and Dad, Duckie and I are settling down and starting to think about having a family.  And one part of raising a family is protecting your family, not just from the physical dangers but the emotional ones as well.  While I may have learned to accept that, for whatever reasons, you two are full of empty promises, I will not allow my wife or children to feel <then have him insert how he feels about his parent's empty promises>.  The rule is, there will be no future gifts.  If you cannot bring one on that immediate day or cannot do the activity at that moment, then do not mention it at all.  

  
  

  Because the first time you dash my wife's or children's hopes will be when I <insert your preplanned, and easily enforced rule>.  

  
  

  And then be prepared to follow through. 

  
  

  
  

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• duckie1905 member

  

  December 2013

  Thanks everyone for the responses.  Lots of very good points about the deeper issues in their relationship that I hadn't considered.  Also, especially good point about our future children.

  
  

  I feel really badly for DH, mostly because his father always seems to let him down.  I don't think DH believes his father owes him anything but he does think that when his father promises something, he needs to follow through.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• Disneygeek77 member

  

  December 2013

  You are right.  He should follow through, however I highly, highly doubt you will get that money.  I think he just wanted to make himself feel better at your wedding about giving his son a big gift.

  Ilumine, has an excellent point.  If his father has a habit of doing stuff like this, then it needs to end now.  How would you feel if he promised to buy you guys a baby crib, or take your family on a trip to Disneyworld or that GRandpa will buy your kid that toy he/she has been wanting ?  Don't put another generation through that kind of heartbreak and disappointment.  He needs to know he has to stop.

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