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MichelleP0711
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Am I overreacting?
My husband and I recently had an argument that I'm having a hard time getting over.
The backstory:
I'd been out of town for work for 3-4 days a week for the month prior. As a result most of the housework, to include cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, laundry, etc. hadn't gotten done. I came home on a Friday night and my husband got extremely angry about the state of the kitchen. He didn't say anything but began storming around cleaning it up. He didn't ask for help and I didn't offer any, figuring that since the dishes are his responsibility and I'd already done vacuuming since I got home, I'd earned a little time to chill. He got done and started drinking. I went to bed. He never came to bed, instead stayed up drinking.
When I got up he was passed out on the couch. I started cleaning up and he woke up and went to take a shower. While he was in the shower I noticed that his phone was blinking and I checked it to make sure he hadn't missed anything important while passed out the night before. What I found were a bunch of texts to his mom and sister telling them that I was a huge slob, that he was miserable with me, and that he wanted to call another girl (who has been a friend of his for a long time) and tell her that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. He told them that he'd wanted to be with this girl for 10 years and never had the chance, he asked them how to tell me that I needed to clean up more or he was packing his stuff and leaving.
We talked about it when he got out of the shower and a little sobered up. He said it was just a fantasy and that everyone is entitled to fantasies. That he wasn't truly miserable with me and he didn't want a divorce like he'd said. Despite the fact that he said this was a fantasy, 3 years ago he'd gotten drunk and kissed this same girl. He told me about the kiss incident when it happened and we moved on, except that he never told me who it was with, he implied that it was just some random girl.
I felt completely betrayed and cheated on, despite the fact that he didn't actually text/call this girl. I think that I would've felt better if he had, instead of filling my in-laws with this idea that I'm a complete slob. He completely neglected to mention to them that we have housework divvied up and that the kitchen is his responsibility. He didn't mention that I'd been gone for most of the month and he hadn't lifted a finger to help with any of the housework that is my responsibility while I was gone.
I'd appreciate any advice on if I'm overreacting by feeling cheated on and betrayed, or how to handle this situation.
Re: Am I overreacting?
Eeeeew! I would have been livid. For one thing, he shouldn't be complaining to his mother and sister about your guys' problems. For another, whoa wait a minute, I don't give a shit if it is a fantasy or what, he is way wrong in saying that he thought she is the most bla bla bla. I understand thinking things fine, but he goes and says it to his mom and sister too... That is weird. You said he kissed this same girl he was talking about, 3 years ago. Was this before you two were together? Was this during? Wtf?
I am so sorry here, and I may be wrong, but this is just me. I would not be cool with it. Even if things aren't meant the way they may be said, they are still said and that doesn't make the feeling go away. It could be nothing, like he said, just he was drunk and just a fantasy. Could be because he was upset and whatever. But I know myself, I would try ot get ot the bottom of it a little. I wouldn't want my H thinking about any other woman. Even worse, telling his moma bout it...
There is so much wrong here.
From his inability to keep the house straight while you're gone (divided or not - when one person isn't around/ is busy, the other ADULT in the house can fricking step up a little) to the really pretty big communication problems between the two of you.
On one hand, I want to say "leave him", but at a MINIMUM, I think the two of you need counseling.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I will bet you a bajllion dollars he has already cheated and is
1. preparing his family for the upcoming divorce and his new ( or current) relationship with his girlfriend.
2. justifying his affair to everyone ( including himself) by pinning it on you and your " messiness."
^^ all of this. I would have been pissed. There is no reason that he would be texting his mom or sister about this other girl unless something was seriously up with her. I personally don't know any guys that are comfortable telling the female members of his immediate family something like that, sober or intoxicated.
At the bare minimum I think you should get counseling, but I'd be ready to walk. Good luck!