I apologise, I just need a chance to vent.

Phantom&Tessa · December 2013

I was already stressed at work, thanks to the adorable senior paralegal who thinks I'm her personal slave and loves to bitch at me and tell me off, then return to her conversation with the others, discussing how she's been wronged and how stupid other people are...total wonderful woman *roll eyes*

Then I got an email on my phone. It was from my father in law. Sometimes I can get along with him, but this time, he was sending me and my husband an aggressive email to demand we pay our share of the cellphone bill...turns out that my husband never did arrange an autopayment thing with his bank account. I was under the illusion that it was fine. Believe me, I feel uncomfortable sharing a cellphone plan with my inlaws. I've asked my husband three times if we can just get one of our own, but he insists that it'll make it too expensive. Considering that I used to just go with pay as you go, and top up my phone maybe £10 a month (I lived in England, moved to US to be with Him)....paying monthly is just annoying to me, there are enough bills!

It just brings home to me how uncomfortable I am with the way husband runs his finances. I have a bank account in England. He had his account. Usually couples can just blend their finances together gradually, but I feel shoved into being added to his account. He's got the credit card: I don't, and when we last discussed it, he said I refused it, then we discussed the option of me being added to the credit card, which concluded with how it may negatively affect his credit score as I have no credit history, I've got to build up my own credit score.

Previous to this, I've asked to have my own account. I feel uncomfortable, having him see every purchase I make. Right now, the only purchases I make are groceries and gas, and the rare grabbing a sandwich at work, and rarely getting a new pair of work pants (I now have a grand number of 4 pairs of work pants, which is fine as Fridays are casual clothes days so I can wear jeans). He had said I could have an account of my own (begrudgingly), that I could take a bit of money out from the account every so often to put into mine. But now, I feel uncomfortable withdrawing money. I feel ridiculous. In comparison to my sister in law, who's only just blended her bank account with her husband after 2 years of marriage, and is sailing through her first pregnancy and who is a lot better than me...I feel stupid, hostile and clumsy in marriage.

Then there's the printer....oh god, it's p**sing me off. He has an inkjet printer. At home, I had a laser printer, which I kept in use. Him? His inkjet printer's dried out, he has the tools for the last possible way to fix it....but he procrastinates dreadfully. Here's a clue...I've been asking him since we married, a year and a month ago. I've had to use the library printers, I've had dreadful delays in things I've had to do such as bureaucratic paperwork.

I know there are so many problems in our marriage. I already know I won't be happy to have a baby with him unless he cleans up his act. I just need a chance to yell and scream, so as not to yell and scream at him because I'm so tired.

Leftie22 · December 2013

It can be really hard to find your financial groove together, so you're not alone in that! It sounds like you're letting your DH take the reins here, and you don't really know what's going on or where the money is going. That's not a good situation for anyone, but it's easily solved, if both parties are willing. Pick a time to sit down and go over your finances. Lay it all on the table: how much income is coming in per month, debts, bills etc. Then make a budget that works for your joint income. As for your accounts, lots of couples have a joint account, but then each have their own account that they put some money in each week or pay period. My DH and I use our joint account for all our income to go in,a and our mortgage and bills, groceries etc, come out of that account. But we each have our own account, and we transfer our agreed-on amount into our accounts every two weeks. That money we can do whatever we want with. Piss it away on fancy coffees, or save up for something big, whatever we want. An arrangement like that might be good for you, because you'd know what's going on in the big picture, but still have privacy and control of your personal account. Talk to your DH and get all the financial information on the table. Then at least you know what you're dealing with. And do get your own credit card, and pay it off every month to help you build up credit. (If you trust yourself to only use it when needed, and to pay it off.) Good luck!!

FemmeLavande · December 2013

I completely agree with what Leftie22 said about how to solve the problem.

It seems as though you and your husband aren't communicating very well and that rather than making decisions together, your husband is deciding things and you begrudgingly go along. You should slowly start changing this - initiate calm conversations and let him clearly know when you don't agree with his plans and that you need to discuss things further to come up with a mutually acceptable arrangement.

ReturnOfKuus · December 2013

This is really odd and concerning. Why do you need his permission to have your own bank account and build credit, and why was he so reluctant to support you on this?

I have a very bad feeling about this.

Sillygirl45 · December 2013

Maybe you can have a little money in your account now and then? This sounds very odd, controlling, and parental.

Why don't you get your own account, have your checks deposited into it and contribute it the household bills? The two of you could have a joint account, you have yours and he has his. You don't need his "permission" to do anything. Get your own prepaid cell phone if you want. Go buy an outfit. Go get some freaking printer ink. Seriously, it should not be this hard.

This whole "I asked, he said no, now I'm mad" thing is a waste of energy. Try taking some initiative to get what you want. Don't ask, tell. "I'm going to the store to get ink for the printer. I'm going to set up my own bank account for my check to be direct deposited into, I really need to establish some financial history in this country, do you think we should have a joint account too? I'm going to get a new outfit for work. I looked into a prepaid cell, it would be $x for me, I think that's all I really need...would you like to look into getting a joint cell account, or should I go ahead on my own?"

See? You don't have to be argumentative but you don't have to be dictated to either. If he shows himself to be a controlling ass and continues to always tell you "no", you have bigger fish to fry.

And you being joint on a credit card won't affect his overall credit rating. That's an excuse.

Sillygirl45 · December 2013

P.S. @Leftie22 also has great advice, if that doesn't work, you need just do what you want (within reason) and see how he reacts. He may realize you're not doing anything crazy and be fine.

asoiafguy · December 2013

I'm assuming there's a huge income inequality. Otherwise, none of this makes ANY sense. Open up your own account, deposit into your own account, and get your own CC. If you had a healthier relationship you could just share an account, a CC, and you wouldn't mind if he saw what you bought. You probably need to have a LOT of money conversations and get a full grip on your finances before moving forward.

Erikan73 · December 2013

My husband and I do the same thing as @leftie22. I call it our "allowance" that we don't have to answer for. My husband tends to use his more for lunches or golf in the summer while I use mine for shopping. But it's not for each of us to have our money not to have to answer for. We also have a joint CC for household items and individual cc. Hubby doesn't use his as he isn't good with finances, he just uses debit card knowing when money is gone, he is done spending. But CC is there for emergencies.

fyi....my husband has horrible credit (it's getting better though) and I put him on my cc account that we use for household items and it hasn't hurt my credit at all

short+sassy · December 2013

Erikan73 said:

My husband and I do the same thing as @leftie22. I call it our "allowance" that we don't have to answer for. My husband tends to use his more for lunches or golf in the summer while I use mine for shopping. But it's not for each of us to have our money not to have to answer for. We also have a joint CC for household items and individual cc. Hubby doesn't use his as he isn't good with finances, he just uses debit card knowing when money is gone, he is done spending. But CC is there for emergencies.

fyi....my husband has horrible credit (it's getting better though) and I put him on my cc account that we use for household items and it hasn't hurt my credit at all

I'm not saying your husband is lying to you about the credit card thing, he might just be seriously mistaken. But Erikan73 is exactly correct. Adding a person to your credit card, even if they have no/bad credit, will not hurt the original person's credit even one iota and it will establish/improve your credit. My DH and I just got married a few months ago and I put him on one of my credit cards for exactly this reason, but I seriously researched it first to make sure his bad credit score would not affect my score. With that said, once you are linked to another person's card, if THEY miss a payment, it can lower your score also.

Like a lot of the other PPs, it sounds like both of you would be more comfortable with separate accounts or separate accounts with one joint...at least for the time being. I'm a little concerned that here you uprooted yourself, moved to another country to be with him, and now he isn't very supportive of helping you to adjust.

I realize the work thing is separate issue, but also wanted to throw out my sympathies on that. My last job was a soul-sucking experience mainly because of two patronizing/condescending women I worked with. Not as bad as your coworker, but I know where you are coming from!

I apologise, I just need a chance to vent.

Re: I apologise, I just need a chance to vent.

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