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14 year-old niece is cutting herself. Do I step in?
This could get long...but my request for advice is at the end.
My 14-year-old niece started having some mental health issues several months ago. She lives with her mom, step-dad and 5 younger siblings. My brother (her dad) has her on most weekends. He keeps me posted on her health but I was shocked when he wrote to me in August and told me she had been hospitalized by her mother. Apparently, my niece had been acting out so badly, her mother felt she no other option than to put her in the hospital -- again. This was the second time (but the first I had heard of it.) I knew she was in anger management/behavioral counseling and that she's on medications, but it seems like they only help part of the time. After that hospitlization, she went to live with her maternal grandparents and entered high school in their town.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving weekend, when she and her dad and brother visited me. My brother told me that her grandparents couldn't have her any longer, and she wasn't going back to their house. They dropped this on her in the car while traveling to my house. One evening, while watching TV, I saw cuts on her arm and asked what happened. She pulled down her sleeves and said, "Nothing." I asked my brother in private and he said, "I don't know. She won't talk about it." Saturday morning, she was hanging around me while I made breakfast and I asked her why she was cutting herself (a safe assumption.) She said she didn't know. I asked what she used -- she said her fingernails (and let me note, these were gashes that may leave scars.) She told me she was really upset about "being kicked out of another house" and that's why she never asked to live with her father. She "doesn't want to ruin another relationship." She also said she was eager to get back to her home town and restart high school there. But my brother had already told me that her mom was putting her in full-time counseling.
So this week she went back to her mother's (with the 5 younger children) and was told that rather going back to high school they were putting her in a partial-home program. Apparently, the in-take didn't go well and she's back in the hospital now. (Just received email from my brother.)
So here is my question -- or where I'd like some input -- do I step in? Do I ask/tell my brother that I think he needs to have her come live with him AND keep her no matter how her behavior affects his day-to-day life? I feel like he's not manning-up and being a good father. I spoke to my husband a few days ago about the possibility of having her live with us. However, we are planning to be out of the country for a year starting early 2014 and those plans are pretty set. But after finding out that she's back in the hospital today, I'm starting to wonder if we should actually put our plans on hold and have her come live with us. Good idea? Bad idea? Continue to stay out of it? Get involved? I have no idea...Do you think I could start some sort of long-distance support relationship via phone, skype, letters? Would that help? I feel very helpless.
Re: 14 year-old niece is cutting herself. Do I step in?
Absolutely do NOT wait.
If you want her to live with you, bear in mind it's also a legal issue. An attorney will have to be contacted -- you would be her legal guardian, I believe and that needs an attorney to coordinate.
You will also be living with somebody who more or less has a chronic disease. Bear that in mind, also. And discuss this throughly with your H before you bring that up with her parents.
Good luck --- she may have many more problems than you are aware of. Let us know what happens. Considering what she's got on her plate right now, it may not be possible for her to live with you at all.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I agree with pp you need to share info with your brother. He needs to be as involved as possible in her counseling. She may need to find a new counselor.
My niece was going through similar issues, but not as extreme. She had severe anger issues which lead to problems in school too. My sister (niece is her stepdaughter) noticed cuts on her arms. Turns out my niece was telling her mom that the "cat scratched her" my sister didn't buy the story based on what the scratches looked like. They already had her in counseling because she was punching holes in the walls and breaking things.
The counselor she was going to was like, ok let talk, lets deal with your fear of clowns & elevators instead of really dealing with her anger issues. My sister convinced her husband & his ex to switch to a different counselor who luckily made my niece deal with her anger issues. Turns out that my niece had feeling that like a lot of kids in their teens, she didn't know how to deal with. She was also dealing with issues with her sexuality too. The counselor gave her healthy options to the things that she was doing to harm herself. She told my niece, whenever you feel like cutting yourself, go get a bowl, fill it with ice & then water. Then put your hand in the ice water until you can't stand the pain anymore. It supposedly triggers the same nerves for pain that cutting affects & gives the same feeling, but more controlled & less harmful to her. The second thing that suggested was to get my niece a punching bag which was put into her room (it was the kind you put water in the base so it was free standing) and they got her gloves too. Whenever she felt full of rage, she was suppose to hit the bag until the anger was gone or she was ready to talk to someone. This was the alternative to punching the wall or breaking other things. It wasn't uncommon after knowing she got off the phone to hear her going off the punching bag and then silence and then eventually for her to come down wanting to talk.
The biggest thing is to find someone who will help her figure out her feelings, why she is behaving the way she is and to find healthy way to deal with her emotions. I wouldn't postpone your trip. You can let her know that you are available to talk to & she can email you especially once you are out of the country. Having someone to talk to may help her.
Part of this acting out may be her way for screaming for attention because she has so many people to compete with at mom's house for it. Combine that with your normal teen emotional confusion, you've got a mess on your hands. But if you stay in touch with her and make sure your brother is too, I think over time it will make a difference.
By the way, my niece is now a very happy well adjusted college student who is excelling in her classes and couldn't be prouder of her. Also her relationship with her parents is much better now too because they stuck by her no matter how rough things got.
Thank you all so much. I know I will re-read this input much over the next couple of weeks.