Holidays
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Inlaws and Christmas
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, that includes one and half years of marriage. Every year that we have been together, we have never spent a Christmas together....never. He would go to his family and I would go to mine.
This year, we are trying to spend Christmas together but we have had some difficulties. For some background, his family and my family live about 9 hours apart so going to one for Christmas Eve and one for Christmas Day is impossible. Also, other holidays have not been that big of a deal because the other holidays for his family are not that big of a deal.
Our solution for this year was that we would be with his family from Friday before Christmas till Christmas Eve Day then leave that morning and get to my house for the Eve part and then spend four days with my family. Meaning that he would miss Christmas eve and Christmas day with his family. However, we would alternate every year so we each would spend Christmas with a different family each year. The problem is, is that his family does not want him to ever miss a Christmas and his mother and sister are giving him such a hard time (ie crying and getting him to feel guilty). Plus his sister is essentially refusing to tell us when she will home for Christmas so we cannot plan.
What to do??? Any suggestions would be helpful!
This year, we are trying to spend Christmas together but we have had some difficulties. For some background, his family and my family live about 9 hours apart so going to one for Christmas Eve and one for Christmas Day is impossible. Also, other holidays have not been that big of a deal because the other holidays for his family are not that big of a deal.
Our solution for this year was that we would be with his family from Friday before Christmas till Christmas Eve Day then leave that morning and get to my house for the Eve part and then spend four days with my family. Meaning that he would miss Christmas eve and Christmas day with his family. However, we would alternate every year so we each would spend Christmas with a different family each year. The problem is, is that his family does not want him to ever miss a Christmas and his mother and sister are giving him such a hard time (ie crying and getting him to feel guilty). Plus his sister is essentially refusing to tell us when she will home for Christmas so we cannot plan.
What to do??? Any suggestions would be helpful!
Re: Inlaws and Christmas
He has nothing to feel guilty about. This is what happens when your children grow up and get married. You have to share them with another family.
They are allowed to be disappointed he won't be there for Christmas, that is understandable. However, they shouldn't be giving him a hard time. That's not fair.
Ultimately, I think your husband will have to come to terms with them being upset with you both and the world won't end when his sister and mom get upset. It really will be ok. The world will keep on spinning. I honestly believe that upsetting your parents ( especially over issues like this) is all a part of growing up. My dad didn't like it when I told him we wouldn't be there for Christmas morning, but he got over it. My husband has also had to disappoint his family too and again, they eventually got over it.
I'm curious how you handled other holidays. Is Christmas the only important one?
The other holidays have not been that big of a deal because his family does not really celebrate the other holidays as much as Christmas so that is why they have such a problem. Plus, this is mothers only son so that proves even more a challenge!
Then stick to your plan.
Repeat "I understand why you're upset mom/sister, but this is what works best for hanksaa and I" as many times as it takes. You do not owe anyone an explanation, so don't try to defend your decisions.
You can always do something different next year. Finding what works may take a couple of tries. But you must do what works for you as a couple. You are your own family now.
One option is to spend the other holidays with your family and Christmas with his.
Another is the plan you mentioned above. Just switch the order you visit each year (first half of trip with his family & second with yours and next year first half with yours & second with his)
You can also do all the holidays except Christmas with one family. Then do the same with the other family the following year.
They can always come to you for Christmas.
OP, in all of the years you've been with your H, you've never spent Christmas with him? And that includes your first Christmas as a married couple?
I would be really upset by that if my H chose to spend Christmas with his family over Christmas with his wife - especially the first Christmas as newlyweds. That is a special time for the two of you. He chose to put them first before putting you first and that's not right. Maybe in the early stages of your relationship it was okay to spend Christmas separate, but you are married now - you should be together on the holiday.
That said, I think your idea sounds very reasonable. And his family needs to accept that you guys are your own family now, so if you don't spend Christmas with them one year, that's your choice. Just the same as your family needs to accept that. (Although it seems like his family is the bigger issue) Your MIL/SIL cry about your decision? Oh well. They'll get over it. The world isn't going to come to an end. Just make sure you and your H are on the same page. Do what's best for you and stick with your decision. And don't let them make you feel guilty about it either.
I think that spending the last 8 years apart for the holidays set a bad precedent, and now your families are going to have an even harder time with you two being adults and making an adult decision.
Your plan sounds reasonable, and I hope that your husband won't revert to a child and cave to his parents' whining.
I really don't understand how some people (not just the OPs relatives) get all worked up about the whole it HAS to be Christmas DAY and/or it has to be Thanksgiving DAY all spent together. I mean, as long as people are spending time together around the holidays, what difference does it make if it is a few days off?
Growing up my dad sometimes had to work on holidays. As an adult, I've sometimes had to work on holidays. Lots of people do. You just celebrate a different day. I'd LOVE to be with my mom/sister/grandma/niece/nephew/family on Christmas, but I live halfway across the country from them. Oh well, those are the choices I made as an adult. I'm happy to see them when I can, regardless of the time of year.
My DH and I switch off holidays. If we have Thanksgiving dinner with his family, we have Christmas dinner with my family and so on. It works very well for everyone, and we've worked out a system with my SIL & her husband so we are all together on the same holidays.
My MIL has actually said she enjoys having a break from cooking every other year.